I went to my lovers and demanded to know what happened. As he explained I was appalled at my behavior. I was ashamed at what I was hearing. I didn’t even understand half of what he was saying that I said. I believed him but it just sounded insane.
There was nowhere to hide. What a stupid idea to confront the situation. What the fuck was going on. It was the benzos. Those goddamn fucking benzos. I consumed over a hundred in a couple days. I assume now as I look back it is because I took myself off all my medication and things started falling apart slowly and suddenly I am left a psycho.
Seriously. That is what benzos do to a person. It is my addiction. I hate them. They make me a monster. But I don’t care when I crave death. I don’t care when I am looking for death. The monster demands the pain. The shame. Bring on all that can be in the storm so that I may have no reason to survive. Fuck that shit. I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t. This was not cool. I sat there mortified. How is an apology any good at this point? Psycho cannot be undone. This cannot be unforgotten.
I can’t even believe that I asked to stay. The rejection would have shaken me into a different world. Perhaps it doesn’t have to be so hard to love. To keep him I would give up benzos. I don’t care if it’s a month, a day, an hour. I so thoroughly enjoy him. There is nothing more satisfying to my day than to be intertwined with him. That is all I must worry about. Nothing else matters to me. Just the sweet comfort of his body next to mine as I sleep.
I do not fear that I could not get another lover. I do not fear that I could never find another. I just fear that another would not fill the void he fills. That another lover would not make me feel as he makes me feels. I do not want another lover. I want him. I just want him. Of course I went fucking crazy. It only makes sense. It is because it is him who soothes me. Him who scares me. Him who I so desperately want.
I even penned him a book and gave him the only copy like an idiot. Because I was not thinking. Because I am impulsive. Because I work magic when stressed or thinking the end is inevitable near. Because it seemed like a brilliant idea. Let’s just give the man everything inside me inked on paper. Great idea. I shake my head at my own foolishness. I do not want him to go away. I don’t. If he must, he must and I will survive but it would be such a travesty. He told me once he didn’t read books. I don’t know how I still find him as attractive as ever knowing that what I love most in life he doesn’t possess. Possibly why I felt the burning desire to not only present him a book but make the book about him.
Is it wrong to let someone know that they saved you? That they touched your very core? That they are a reason for your high steps or morning smiles. I don’t mind loving. I must love. I must express. I must make sure I do not die in the darkness without exposing my vulnerabilities to those deserving to know. He deserves to know he is cherished. I feel special to be naked beside him in the nights he allows me his comfort. It brings me such pleasure to pleasure him. Surely, an addiction. Surely one that I am unable to maintain in moderation. He is like crack. I just want more and more and he is never enough.
For many broken relationships have befallen us prior to this affair and to those broken we have formed our walls. I do not seek to find my way through them or around them. If a door shall open I shall be lucky. If I shall be banned on the outside I shall also name myself lucky. An honor it is just to love someone I find worthy of it. Accepting of it. Deserving of it. One who perhaps does not feel so loved or deserving. One who has also accepted what I have accepted and that is why we alone stand together.
The stars do not offer me hope of everlasting compatibility but I am going to ignore them for once and just enjoy it without the ICHING. Often it does more damage than good. I shall just be still. Psycho already became of me and that shall never happen again. Ever. I shall forgive myself this once. Somethings are known not to be repeated. This is known.
I left my lover this morning. I held his head in my hands and confessed, “I’m in love with you. I can’t come back.” He didn’t say anything. Minutes later I broke the silence with a kiss and searched his eyes for a reaction but he avoided them. I didn’t want a response. I didn’t need him to say any words to tell me what I already knew. I had told him this was our last night together. I doubt he was expecting the reason why.
I am afraid of love. I destroy love. Love is not for me. Not this being in love bullshit. I can handle love but I can not handle this. I understand that he is an expression of my own soul and for that I am grateful and give much thanks. I don’t want to tarnish what we have. I want to keep it perfect in the time that we had. I don’t want to have it end as every other love has ended for me. I do not want to destroy him. I want him to heed my warning. I want him to be scared. I want him to turn his back and never see me again. I told him I was in love with him for precisely that reason. I don’t want to go back. I enjoy it too much. It is the crack to my pipe and I can not get enough. It doesn’t last. Romantic love is not even real love. It is an infatuation. It is actually incorrect to assume I am just in love with the guy as I confess I believe I love him as well. I had to tell him I was in love though for the drama. Maybe it was completely unfair for me to say it like that. Was that selfish? Was that my ego? It was. I am acting out of fear. My intentions were not from love. Fuck.
No matter it is what it is and I cannot go back. I suppose I am unsure of what I am doing. He has taken me and my body to exponential heights. Perhaps it is becuase of that in which I fear the most. The inability to release myself from that addiction. I fear I might have lost my lover but perhaps it won’t be for nothing. If one sacrifices the wrong love at the right time then one will be rewarded far beyond what was sacrificed. I am banking on that. I am trusting the universe. I am trusting myself. I do not regret my confession I just now must ask myself why. To what purpose does this serve. I do not wish any harm towards my lover. If I shall lose him than it is for the best. I cannot be caught up in a love affair. I simply cannot bare the end. It always ends.
This is not about making babies and planning a future filled with friends mingling and dinner parties. This is two people lusting. Two people who have done this dance before and left exhausted. This is about me not being able to mentally handle it. This is me being terrified. This is me fucking up happiness because I identify with Tristen. Because I must suffer to love. Because it is only in this sick twisted reality that makes sense. That I can not have real love. That it is karma to be unloved. I don’t want his love. I want to just return to my love of death and forget that he came to me. Perhaps it was to rescue me. Perhaps I am on the correct path and went of course.
Perhaps I was not supposed to leave my lover. I should not worry. I should trust that this is a process. I shouldn’t even think. Thinking gets me in trouble. Thinking makes me crazy. It gives me ideas. Sometimes I talk outloud and my babbles don’t make any more sense outloud than they did in my head. Sometimes I wish I could speak as I wrote. Instead of saying, “I’m in love with you so I can’t come back” I should have said “I feel ecstacy in your touch and it scares the shit out of me and also reminds me how I will never have true love and so I shouldn’t expierence romantic love because I don’t want romantic love I want true love”. Hence why I sometimes think about buying a gun. Just for when the next moment of clarity comes to me and death calls for me. So I can be ready for that moment.
I must be paying karma debt for past lives. All I have ever wanted was to be loved and yet it is the only thing that I can never have. I can feel it. I can be it. I can make it. But yet no one can afford me the pleasure of it. I suddenly regret everything. I regret thinking. I regret getting involved. How can I bounce back from this? I planned it. I have had it in my head for days. Since last I saw him. It is because I read my letters to Sage from November discussing how I should focus on life and not love. Why waste my time with something that isn’t meant to last? How do I know it? I know because it is me. I have no 6’s in my chart. Family life- a true companion is not mine to be had.
I just need to go back to where that thought comforted me so much as his loving arms. I need to return to the security of my selfishenss oppose to his soft sheets. The Iching only further confuses me. I shoudl get some work accomplished. I have successfully wasted the day in thoughts and I am not anywhere closer to anything.
Last night again I found myself naked in between his sheets. I kissed every inch of his body. I have never kissed the back of a knee before or even an ankle and I am sure it was just as erotic for him as it was for me. My bra he threw to the windowsill and I left it there this morning when I relenctuantly left. I told him I would have to ignore him so he can miss me. He laughed. I can’t help but feel happiness in his laughter. I asked him if he was ever going to let me take him out for dinner or if he just wanted me in his bed. His reply still makes me chuckle, “Sure. Right now? Lets go!” I reminded him nothing was open. It made me laugh. I like his humor. I like his touch. I don’t even care who knows or who might judge. So far as I am concerned it distracts me from my misery. I told him he was the meth to my pipe. I don’t have a gambling addiction but a lover addiction. It’s best we cool it for a few days so that we don’t lose that excitement. That boring mundane routine. I have to remind myself this. Two nights in a row really makes a person think about these things. I don’t mind loving the guy. I prefer it over anything but I can’t get so caught up in it that I lose myself. He enjoys me too. It is such a wonderful feeling. I feel sexy for him. I have never expierenced this before. It is amazing how incredible he feels and how he makes me feel. Its liberating. He has opened up a side of me I was not aware I had. It is scary yet exhilerating. I have to keep myself distracted. I would go to him everytime he asked. I know I enjoy his embrace too much.
My lover has remained constant. Last night I scattered my clothes down the hall. He makes me feel sexy. We spent hours loving. He cooked me pork after I confessed I was starving myself. He said he wanted to keep me alive because we were great lovers and he wanted to enjoy it for a long time. I’m not entirely sure what this means but I guess you could say I have a committed lover. I don’t mind. It’s just I don’t wish to destroy him. Nor do I wish to be destroyed. I’m rather confused by the series of events leading up to this. I’m rather confused on where to go next. I’m lost in his embrace. Literally I have found purpose in life with love. But I know, I’m not an idiot, I know it won’t last. This lust. This passion we have. He has no doubt never experienced such a tender touch as my own. Do I touch so tenderly because I’m starved for love? He counted how many times I folded his toilet paper. I think he might be just as caught up in this affair as myself. I can’t help but to proceed. To throw myself in without reservations as I want to experience this in its fullest. I enjoy my lover. Mornings are not so horrible. Nights I look forward to being naked in between his sheets. He plays country music and it’s the only time I find myself enjoying it. I am caught up. I don’t mind. Not today. I love having a lover. It makes life less boring. It cuts back on other addictions as well. I crave him. I crave him now. When will this desire fade? When will I lose interest? I await for him to tell me to come to him. It excites me. However, if tonight proves to be spent in his bed I must go silent for days so he can appreciate missing me. It’s a psychological trick. I was born a manipulator. I will make this a spectacular endeavor as it already has been. I find I am unable to stay away at this point. He knows it. My drunken babbles remind me in waken lucidity. I’ve taken a lover and I like him. We love unlike I’ve known. I think I’ll keep him for now. So least I am able to expierence such tenderness.
I took a lover. This was a mistake. I should never have believed that this was possible to maintain. To expierence. To be even slightly something I need in my life. With my stability issues as is it seems even ridiculous in the first place. If only I would have kept up with my imginary boyfriend this never would have happened.
I took a lover or should I say he took me. It is too much for me to think of it’s loss which is why I should never have accepted it’s gain. It plagues me now as I sit here ignored. I hate being ignored. Maybe it’s not intentional and it doesn’t even matter if it were. The fact that it resonates something inside me tells me that I cannot handle this type of situation. I need to return to seclusion. I had my fix. It should end now. I should digress. I shouldn’t continue. It only devestates me when I don’t get an answer I expect.
I took a lover and it was unlike an expierence I have known. He told me he missed me. Twice. His voice wavered. It was out of character and made it real. He told me to come back. I pretended I had to think about it. He ordered me and I submitted. He later cancelled. I was relieved. Another night like the last would cripple me. I would beg for him everynight. It is best to keep the distance. He has more will power than I. He is best to keep me at arms lengths. I destroy my lovers. They taste my love and no other love compares. I love without reservations. I love without hesitation. I love intensely. Perhaps I can understand his failure to communicate. Perhaps I understand this is what should be happening and I shouldn’t be angry for beingseemingly ignored.
I took a lover and I miss him. I took a lover and I like him. I took a lover and in the night we throw ourselves into passion and desire so deeply tender and full of such intesity that I would be lying if I said it wasn’t addicting. Addicting to be in his arms. Naked between his sheets. Naked without socks. He likes my feet. I like that he likes my feet. I bought pink nailpolish to paint my toenails. I hate pink. I like my lover though. I like the way he says my name. I like the way he makes me feel. I like the man behind the lover which makes it difficult when keeping emotions out of the relationship we won’t committ to.
I took a lover and I shouldn’t have. It makes me feel things I don’t want to feel after we love in the night. It makes me vulnerable. It makes me think too much. I crave being naked in between his sheets listening to country music as we sleep nestled in close to each other. The warmth of his body pleasing to feel. I could have any man but I choose him. He is the one I am fixated one. He is the lover I want. My eyes have looked at others and I only miss him more.
I took a lover and I hate him right now. He did nothing wrong and everything right. From the night our eyes bore holes into the others souls to the night we held eachother tightly and he said he missed me, twice- he did everything right. But its time. It can’t continue. I can’t obsess. He doesn’t not desire to be desired but he desires to be touched. I desire to be desired and to be touched. We are not meant to be as one outside the night.
I took a lover and I must give him back. It is not because he is defective but because I can not deal with perfection. It is too perfect in the nights we share tender touches. Kisses like turkish delight. He must remain unbroken by me. I must give him back. I cannot keep him. I must keep moving. I don’t want a lover. It confuses me. It takes my focus away from myself. It distracts me from life. It is not the path I am here to lead. He cannot be mine. I cannot be his. This must end.
I took a lover and I have to say goodbye. It’s for the best. Fade out gentle as I faded in. Life will remain the same. Nothing has changed. He can continue to ignore me as I find I am above that. Regardless of reason I demand to be heard. I cannot take a lover see as it confuses me. It plays on my abandonment issues and it makes me panic. I don’t like to feel this way. It is nothing I want to expierence another day. I will have to ignore my lover if he answers. Let him feel the uncertainity I am feeling now. Not that it will change anything. But at least it shows I do not need him. I do not need his attention. I may have wanted it, craved it, desired it but certainly I do not need it. Besides, he is best off without me as a lover as I would destroy him in the end.
Once I had a lover….