Found in a Draft of an Email 10 20ish

I thought I was the problem. I thought I wasn’t good enough. That maybe my love was too intense. Love i hadn’t even unleashed so i cant fathom that to be the real issue. It’s only talk that killed it im sure.  I thought maybe my lack of domestication skills was a factor in my lover’s  denial (Great for the book) but i just used it for the drama effect. I figured it out. Why he left me that is (for now). Truth can never hide from me. It’s my gift of the world.

It never occurred to me until earlier tonight in conversation with my former lover (not the ex) that it had nothing to do with me.  I had to call him. I needed to be reminded of how he veiws me as sweet and special and that if anyone didn’t want me that it was their problem not mine. That i was someone deserving if someone who could appreciate my loving. I declined his love offer. It’s not his soul I want to entwine with.

After my former lover expressed his jealousy over my current lover (I’m in denial since he is still contemplating the fact left me)- He offered to run away with me. Trouble is that despite our overwhelming chemistry I could never trust the guy. Even if he did get a book written about him and our love affair there is more to love then he can provide such as committment. I do know that if I didn’t have him to offer me reasons for my lovers  denial id be rather upset at this point.

Truth is, I know he is right. Anyone who wouldn’t want occasional blow jobs and love letters have issues that even i cant fix. The problem there though is i cant do it all the time which would make me a horrible girlfriend with TMJ  and carpeltunnel symptoms hence why im only available as a lover. That’s why any notion of committment as an excuse to leave me is ridiculous.

Sounds like this lover caught some feelings. Poor guy must not know blowjobs don’t just grow on trees and he should take full advantage of them. Love the blowjobs not the girl. I claimed from day one i wasnt meant for staying. But just don’t tell me IDK in response to my question of if ever ill touch him again. It’s not like I’m  unfuckable. I just prefer him at this junction. I’m a loyal lover. Im committed to only things I cant committ to. How ironic. Such as life and its glory for me.

After the conversation with my former lover about my current lover (again, still im in denial), i realize I’m an idiot. My attempts are futile. I have no business chasing any guy for blowjobs. (Okay truth is, it’s more then the blowjobs). If he had a boat possibly this would be a no brainer and id sleep in my life jacket jsut in case ibgey a 4am phone call but he does not so i am not instituting pajama changes.

Maybe he will find this and it will make sense and everything will be right again (doubtful) or Maybe he will take it wrong (likely)  but I have nothing to lose that hasn’t already been given up to lose. (My own way of self destruction I win)

This began as it has ended without reservations, at least for me anyways. The concussion and 100 benzos for the near death expierence monday didn’t reveal any of this. It only revealed fears of my anger and being a vindictive little bratty bitch. Saying shit to push away. I’m wise at this game. Boy stepped in feelings. Gotta end that.

Which that is a great reason to leave a lover, that being im crazy and thus im expendable. Although for the record I love people who appreciate human mistakes amd practice forgiveness during times of near death expierences. Much love to those who didn’t leave me, fire me, break up with me or unfriend me in the last 3o some years due to my impulsive recklessness behavior where I almost die but God keeps me here for a sick joke on either me or you i have yet to figure out.

Maybe i dont even care anymore and im getting closer as i continue thinking of how it went down via messaging. Again, this says nothing about me being the trapped in feelings as i believe id offer a face to face.
At least all my clothes are color coded, underwear is folded, skinny and fat clothes seperated and socks paired and matched. Never have i had a cleaner more organized closet. Also, I’m caught up on Hulu and netflix so im not desperate for things to do which honestly was why the last relationship went south. He had no netflix. Shallow I know. But at least I’m honest. More so when conherent.

Maybe he will take his head out of his ass, drop his insecurities, lose the feelings stop thinking and just enjoy the free blowjobs and cuddles. At the rate it’s going though the train is leaving and I certainly refuse to run after it. I will however blow kisses and wave happily like thanks for the ride as i write about him leaving on the wrong train.

In all fairness though, what’s the fucking problem?


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