Suicide Note 1-21-2012 

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My Lover Returned

I went to my lovers and demanded to know what happened. As he explained I was appalled at my behavior. I was ashamed at what I was hearing. I didn’t even understand half of what he was saying that  I said. I believed him but it just sounded insane.

There was nowhere to hide. What a stupid idea to confront the situation. What the fuck was going on. It was the benzos. Those goddamn fucking benzos. I consumed over a hundred in a couple days. I assume now as I look back it is because I took myself off all my medication and things started falling apart slowly and suddenly I am left a psycho.

Seriously. That is what benzos do to a person. It is my addiction. I hate them. They make me a monster. But I don’t care when I crave death. I don’t care when I am looking for death. The monster demands the pain. The shame. Bring on all that can be in the storm so that I may have no reason to survive. Fuck that shit. I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t. This was not cool. I sat there mortified. How is an apology any good at this point? Psycho cannot be undone. This cannot be unforgotten.

I can’t even believe that I asked to stay. The rejection would have shaken me into a different world. Perhaps it doesn’t have to be so hard to love. To keep him I would give up benzos. I don’t care if it’s a month, a day, an hour. I so thoroughly enjoy him. There is nothing more satisfying to my day than to be intertwined with him. That is all I must worry about. Nothing else matters to me. Just the sweet comfort of his body next to mine as I sleep.

I do not fear that I could not get another lover. I do not fear that I could never find another. I just fear that another would not fill the void he fills. That another lover would not make me feel as he makes me feels. I do not want another lover. I want him. I just want him. Of course I went fucking crazy. It only makes sense.  It is because it is him who soothes me. Him who scares me. Him who I so desperately want.

I even penned him a book and gave him the only copy like an idiot. Because I was not thinking. Because I am impulsive. Because I work magic when stressed or thinking the end is inevitable near. Because it seemed like a brilliant idea. Let’s just give the man everything inside me inked on paper. Great idea.  I shake my head at my own foolishness. I do not want him to go away. I don’t. If he must, he must and I will survive but it would be such a travesty.  He told me once he didn’t read books. I don’t know how I still find him as attractive as ever knowing that what I love most in life he doesn’t possess. Possibly why I felt the burning desire to not only present him a book but make the book about him.

Is it wrong to let someone know that they saved you? That they touched your very core? That they are a reason for your high steps or morning smiles. I don’t mind loving. I must love. I must express. I must make sure I do not die in the darkness without exposing my vulnerabilities to those deserving to know. He deserves to know he is cherished. I feel special to be naked beside him in the nights he allows me his comfort. It brings me such pleasure to pleasure him. Surely, an addiction. Surely one that I am unable to maintain in moderation. He is like crack. I just want more and more and he is never enough.

For many broken relationships have befallen us prior to this affair and to those broken we have formed our walls. I do not seek to find my way through them or around them. If a door shall open I shall be lucky. If I shall be banned on the outside I shall also name myself lucky. An honor it is just to love someone I find worthy of it. Accepting of it. Deserving of it. One who perhaps does not feel so loved or deserving.  One who has also accepted what I have accepted and that is why we alone stand together.

The stars do not offer me hope of everlasting compatibility but I am going to ignore them for once and just enjoy it without the ICHING. Often it does more damage than good. I shall just be still. Psycho already became of me and that shall never happen again. Ever.  I shall forgive myself this once. Somethings are known not to be repeated. This is known.

 

Found in a Draft of an Email 10 20ish

I thought I was the problem. I thought I wasn’t good enough. That maybe my love was too intense. Love i hadn’t even unleashed so i cant fathom that to be the real issue. It’s only talk that killed it im sure.  I thought maybe my lack of domestication skills was a factor in my lover’s  denial (Great for the book) but i just used it for the drama effect. I figured it out. Why he left me that is (for now). Truth can never hide from me. It’s my gift of the world.

It never occurred to me until earlier tonight in conversation with my former lover (not the ex) that it had nothing to do with me.  I had to call him. I needed to be reminded of how he veiws me as sweet and special and that if anyone didn’t want me that it was their problem not mine. That i was someone deserving if someone who could appreciate my loving. I declined his love offer. It’s not his soul I want to entwine with.

After my former lover expressed his jealousy over my current lover (I’m in denial since he is still contemplating the fact left me)- He offered to run away with me. Trouble is that despite our overwhelming chemistry I could never trust the guy. Even if he did get a book written about him and our love affair there is more to love then he can provide such as committment. I do know that if I didn’t have him to offer me reasons for my lovers  denial id be rather upset at this point.

Truth is, I know he is right. Anyone who wouldn’t want occasional blow jobs and love letters have issues that even i cant fix. The problem there though is i cant do it all the time which would make me a horrible girlfriend with TMJ  and carpeltunnel symptoms hence why im only available as a lover. That’s why any notion of committment as an excuse to leave me is ridiculous.

Sounds like this lover caught some feelings. Poor guy must not know blowjobs don’t just grow on trees and he should take full advantage of them. Love the blowjobs not the girl. I claimed from day one i wasnt meant for staying. But just don’t tell me IDK in response to my question of if ever ill touch him again. It’s not like I’m  unfuckable. I just prefer him at this junction. I’m a loyal lover. Im committed to only things I cant committ to. How ironic. Such as life and its glory for me.

After the conversation with my former lover about my current lover (again, still im in denial), i realize I’m an idiot. My attempts are futile. I have no business chasing any guy for blowjobs. (Okay truth is, it’s more then the blowjobs). If he had a boat possibly this would be a no brainer and id sleep in my life jacket jsut in case ibgey a 4am phone call but he does not so i am not instituting pajama changes.

Maybe he will find this and it will make sense and everything will be right again (doubtful) or Maybe he will take it wrong (likely)  but I have nothing to lose that hasn’t already been given up to lose. (My own way of self destruction I win)

This began as it has ended without reservations, at least for me anyways. The concussion and 100 benzos for the near death expierence monday didn’t reveal any of this. It only revealed fears of my anger and being a vindictive little bratty bitch. Saying shit to push away. I’m wise at this game. Boy stepped in feelings. Gotta end that.

Which that is a great reason to leave a lover, that being im crazy and thus im expendable. Although for the record I love people who appreciate human mistakes amd practice forgiveness during times of near death expierences. Much love to those who didn’t leave me, fire me, break up with me or unfriend me in the last 3o some years due to my impulsive recklessness behavior where I almost die but God keeps me here for a sick joke on either me or you i have yet to figure out.

Maybe i dont even care anymore and im getting closer as i continue thinking of how it went down via messaging. Again, this says nothing about me being the trapped in feelings as i believe id offer a face to face.
At least all my clothes are color coded, underwear is folded, skinny and fat clothes seperated and socks paired and matched. Never have i had a cleaner more organized closet. Also, I’m caught up on Hulu and netflix so im not desperate for things to do which honestly was why the last relationship went south. He had no netflix. Shallow I know. But at least I’m honest. More so when conherent.

Maybe he will take his head out of his ass, drop his insecurities, lose the feelings stop thinking and just enjoy the free blowjobs and cuddles. At the rate it’s going though the train is leaving and I certainly refuse to run after it. I will however blow kisses and wave happily like thanks for the ride as i write about him leaving on the wrong train.

In all fairness though, what’s the fucking problem?

I Wrote My Lover a Book

I havent slept in two days. Im manic. The only thing i can hear is the clicking of the clock. I wrote a book last night. Well, early this morning. It was a wonderful feeling until i realized i didnt make myself an extra copy. I dont know why i didnt. It was challenging which is why i went to work at 4 in the morning to use their equipment. It was my love affair of the last 5 months. Compiled in one binding, bounded together with actual journal entries or letters. Im an idiot. I know this. I didnt think about it much on my trip until i realized i dont have a copy. I found a lot of strength in releasing it as there really cant be any confusion now. Baggage i was able to drop off so easy. Like here is an unedited account of how incredible we were together and then because i just couldnt handle 100 benzos we had a fight or soemthing. I honestly dont remember. Im sick about the whole thing. Probably why i cant sleep. Im organizing things from paperclips, pushpins to dimes. I feel im nesting. Getting ready for when my body cant keep saving me. Im glad i wrote the book. Rather shared my insecurities and confessed my adoration for our passionate affair. Maybe its just me. Whatever. Im over it. Im over here arranging my pants by colors and my books by authors last name. Kidding on the last one. Seriously i like the idea of it being done. Maybe one day it can start again. Right now i shouldnt worry about it. Neither should he. I prolly shouldnt have given it to him. But well he cant go without knowing it all. I have no shame. I miss him. I miss a lot of people i dont get to be in their lives. I get by. Im excited to do another book. I have one in mind now. I should never have gotten involved with a lover. But i did. Now its over. I almost died. I have new goals and cant be distracted with him now. Love is not on my priority list at this juncture. But one day i hope to be reunited with him and if not i got 5 great months. And some really good writing material. He says he wants to be friends but well ive read those memes and they are kimd creepy. Like my ex. I dont want to be his friend. Why would i? So who knows whats going to happen. Im leaving it to the universe. Thats how the document came into existence. Maybe its the latuda. I need to sleep.