I decided that my newest goal was to end up on the New York Best Sellers List. I also published on facebook as a page and not a person. We will see what happens with that.
When i got his text im not sure why but i looked up and noticed the street sign bore his name. I was caught up in this small coincidence for at least five minutes. It wasnt until i had captured a few selfies with it that i glanced up to the intersecting street that i stopped dead in my tracks. It was Randall Ave. This must be a message from the Universe. How could it not be? It was meant for me to find, at that moment. What does this mean? I gather its fate. I should not think into this. My neurosis has been on parr lately. I cant imagine it means anything more than i let it.
Im growimg anxious for change again. Im scared of winter. I am not sure how i will handle it. I hope it passes smoothly. I have goals so im sure i can make it to the spring. I have to.
I suppose the trick to being a suicide is putting it off as well as setting goals. Of course this doesnt mean shit when your neurosis hijacks the ship and leads you to your death. Best to prolong it by establishing goals. Direction is important. Meaning is important. Accountability could be important if its not so stressful it counteracts the desired result. Smaller accountability than larger.
Not having access to guns has kept me alive for almost 3o years. Maybe i am supposed to be alive. Maybe its just never going to be my time. Why fight it? I just need to live this life.
I think ill be changing life in the spring. But then again being who i am anything can change by then. Im noncommittal. Im so indecisive that often times i sit in silence. I dont mind it. Its actually rather loud in my head. It helps me focus.
I can hear everyone. I can feel everyone. Collectively as a mass or individual by person i can feel them. Its something i cant explain. A gift without a package and a talent without instructions. Its when we meet eyes you know i raped your soul.
Others gather around. This is not a social hour. I want to muse. I sometimes am annoyed by people.