This is Your Life

Sometimes I sit in silence
My thoughts too deep to be disturbed
Other times I repeat the same song for hours
Just to make sure I remember the words
It’s easier if someone does the thinking for me
It’s easier if I don’t have to figure it out

My brain is unable to determine
the measure of importance
between your reality and my own
I battle with depression
every single day
it’s no longer a war but a fucking crusade
Seems that with bipolar
you don’t really have to count the days
They don’t matter anyways
Not if you can’t make it out alive.

The trick is to get past that moment
When you are trapped in your mind
Stuck running circles in all the choices you have
Sending apologies telepathically
Remembering sacrifices accordingly
This is a merely a mental mind set
You can overcome despite the lack of a pencil
To write a final note
You gave up the choice to make decisions after your death
When you chose to be done
I can’t blame you though, it’s tiresome being strong
When you were sent to figure everything out
It’s no fun when you’re broken, you know you’re broken and you know you can’t be fixed
Perhaps another life you can have it easier
But for now, know that this life will show no mercy
Because only the strong survive
This is your mission
This is your life.

To be continued…

Advertisements

Walgreens

They put me on drugs so I don’t kill myself

Maybe that’s part of the problem

I question if I’m schizophrenic

I’m taking a survey please answer in an email

I hate the phone I have enough voices to listen to

 

I wonder why I am on drugs

I get them from the pharmacist

I’m a high class addict

With Walgreens in my back pocket

You get your meth from a trailer

Perhaps a bit of shake and bake

Tin foil and baking salt

Everyone should know the color of heroin

If you plan on being alive

Its fucking brown

 

Off tangent as my mind

I was like this before they drugged me

Stole my dad’s rifle

Rented a fleabag motel room

Kept my things above ground in case of roaches

I have no technical ability in my brilliance

I didn’t have a magazine

And my google supported the notion

This was a stupidly executed plan

I dipped out the hotel room

I can’t even tell you I was high

Because it seems life has always been this way

Just now a little bit brighter

Since I acquired a pharmacist

 

I wonder if I will make it

I have to go off these drugs

They are setting me up for failure

I just know it anyways

As I go between laughing and crying

And crying and laughing

You have to understand

This is probably my core over spilling

The lasting residual effects of lack of empathic care

Amplified by the chemists in the labs

Making mice from the millions they control

With their goddam pharmaceuticals

They even give you free samples to get you started

If you do the research it’s thirty three dollars a day

You’re better off being a junkie

Then getting hooked on Walgreens

 

To be continued…

I decided that my newest goal was to end up on the New York Best Sellers List. I also published on facebook as a page and not a person. We will see what happens with that. 

When i got his text im not sure why but i looked up and noticed the street sign bore his name. I was caught up in this small coincidence for at least five minutes. It wasnt until i had captured a few selfies with it that i glanced up to the intersecting street that i stopped dead in my tracks. It was Randall Ave. This must be a message from the Universe. How could it not be? It was meant for me to find, at that moment. What does this mean? I gather its fate. I should not think into this. My neurosis has been on parr lately. I cant imagine it means anything more than i let it.

Im growimg anxious for change again. Im scared of winter. I am not sure how i will handle it. I hope it passes smoothly. I have goals so im sure i can make it to the spring. I have to. 

I suppose the trick to being a suicide is putting it off as well as setting goals. Of course this doesnt mean shit when your neurosis hijacks the ship and leads you to your death. Best to prolong it by establishing goals. Direction is important. Meaning is important. Accountability could be important if its not so stressful it counteracts the desired result. Smaller accountability than larger. 

Not having access to guns has kept me alive for almost 3o years. Maybe i am supposed to be alive. Maybe its just never going to be my time. Why fight it? I just need to live this life.

I think ill be changing life in the spring. But then again being who i am anything can change by then. Im noncommittal. Im so indecisive that often times i sit in silence. I dont mind it. Its actually rather loud in my head. It helps me focus. 

I can hear everyone. I can feel everyone. Collectively as a mass or individual by person i can feel them. Its something i cant explain. A gift without a package and a talent without instructions. Its when we meet eyes you know i raped your soul. 

Others gather around. This is not a social hour. I want to muse. I sometimes am annoyed by people.