I will never achieve great riches if I am to work like the normal folk. It is only if I write my book that I will afford the comfort of my own home. Maybe I need cocaine. That is how Elizabeth Wurtzel finished her book. Maybe if I just abuse drugs instead of use them for death I will get a lot more out of this whole life thing than I did before. kidding. That is not a good idea.
The bank tells me I can’t afford a house on my income. Which I can’t. Certainly I should have got a house before a car. I don’t want to get married. That won’t help. I can barely decide if I want a lover or not. I think I am to the point where it’s too exhausting. I think it’s been four months. Nothing will ever change. It will always be me and going there. I will always be disappointed in not being a girlfriend that I don’t even want to be. I will always resent never being involved as a normal person because I am a lover not anything but.
I am tired. I am unhappy. I wanted to die last Monday. Apparently it takes 282,000 mg of benzos to die so became a collector rather than a user. There is a gun show this weekend. I shouldn’t go but it’s on my calander. I should most certainly not buy a gun. I really don’t know if I have much to really care to live for anymore. It’ s not like i will ever get my own house. It isn’t like I really care to care any more cause I honestly don’t. I just am too tired.
I am going to the gun show. Just to look around. I can’t afford a gun anyways.