I left my lover this morning. I held his head in my hands and confessed, “I’m in love with you. I can’t come back.” He didn’t say anything. Minutes later I broke the silence with a kiss and searched his eyes for a reaction but he avoided them. I didn’t want a response. I didn’t need him to say any words to tell me what I already knew. I had told him this was our last night together. I doubt he was expecting the reason why.
I am afraid of love. I destroy love. Love is not for me. Not this being in love bullshit. I can handle love but I can not handle this. I understand that he is an expression of my own soul and for that I am grateful and give much thanks. I don’t want to tarnish what we have. I want to keep it perfect in the time that we had. I don’t want to have it end as every other love has ended for me. I do not want to destroy him. I want him to heed my warning. I want him to be scared. I want him to turn his back and never see me again. I told him I was in love with him for precisely that reason. I don’t want to go back. I enjoy it too much. It is the crack to my pipe and I can not get enough. It doesn’t last. Romantic love is not even real love. It is an infatuation. It is actually incorrect to assume I am just in love with the guy as I confess I believe I love him as well. I had to tell him I was in love though for the drama. Maybe it was completely unfair for me to say it like that. Was that selfish? Was that my ego? It was. I am acting out of fear. My intentions were not from love. Fuck.
No matter it is what it is and I cannot go back. I suppose I am unsure of what I am doing. He has taken me and my body to exponential heights. Perhaps it is becuase of that in which I fear the most. The inability to release myself from that addiction. I fear I might have lost my lover but perhaps it won’t be for nothing. If one sacrifices the wrong love at the right time then one will be rewarded far beyond what was sacrificed. I am banking on that. I am trusting the universe. I am trusting myself. I do not regret my confession I just now must ask myself why. To what purpose does this serve. I do not wish any harm towards my lover. If I shall lose him than it is for the best. I cannot be caught up in a love affair. I simply cannot bare the end. It always ends.
This is not about making babies and planning a future filled with friends mingling and dinner parties. This is two people lusting. Two people who have done this dance before and left exhausted. This is about me not being able to mentally handle it. This is me being terrified. This is me fucking up happiness because I identify with Tristen. Because I must suffer to love. Because it is only in this sick twisted reality that makes sense. That I can not have real love. That it is karma to be unloved. I don’t want his love. I want to just return to my love of death and forget that he came to me. Perhaps it was to rescue me. Perhaps I am on the correct path and went of course.
Perhaps I was not supposed to leave my lover. I should not worry. I should trust that this is a process. I shouldn’t even think. Thinking gets me in trouble. Thinking makes me crazy. It gives me ideas. Sometimes I talk outloud and my babbles don’t make any more sense outloud than they did in my head. Sometimes I wish I could speak as I wrote. Instead of saying, “I’m in love with you so I can’t come back” I should have said “I feel ecstacy in your touch and it scares the shit out of me and also reminds me how I will never have true love and so I shouldn’t expierence romantic love because I don’t want romantic love I want true love”. Hence why I sometimes think about buying a gun. Just for when the next moment of clarity comes to me and death calls for me. So I can be ready for that moment.
I must be paying karma debt for past lives. All I have ever wanted was to be loved and yet it is the only thing that I can never have. I can feel it. I can be it. I can make it. But yet no one can afford me the pleasure of it. I suddenly regret everything. I regret thinking. I regret getting involved. How can I bounce back from this? I planned it. I have had it in my head for days. Since last I saw him. It is because I read my letters to Sage from November discussing how I should focus on life and not love. Why waste my time with something that isn’t meant to last? How do I know it? I know because it is me. I have no 6’s in my chart. Family life- a true companion is not mine to be had.
I just need to go back to where that thought comforted me so much as his loving arms. I need to return to the security of my selfishenss oppose to his soft sheets. The Iching only further confuses me. I shoudl get some work accomplished. I have successfully wasted the day in thoughts and I am not anywhere closer to anything.