Last night someone asked me to help them just by listening, just by being there. I went to them. She spent more time listening to me than I did listening to her. I suppose I would gather it is because she needed to hear from me. She needed to hear that things can get better. I like to think of myself as one of the lucky ones. I didn’t kill myself in drugs. I didn’t kill anyone else either. I didn’t waste the majority of my life trying to gain footing from a life I had to build myself from the bottom. Not only did I have to start at the bottom, I had a huge hole to fill in before I could even begin. I didn’t hold back from her.
I told her she needed to stop bullshitting herself. Being different means doing different. If we cling to our same habits and thoughts that we have always had we cannot expect anything different. We will always be disappointed. Pain is a constant. Suffering is a choice. We do not have to hurt anymore because of the abuses we suffered from others.
I found a journal from 2000 when I was 20. I had a lot of anger for my parents and life. I wrote to myself my story as it was then as a 20 year old. I was rather disturbed. Rapes I had forgotten about and injustices which had occurred. I was not disgusted by myself as I read this. Rather I was proud that I could look back sixteen years later and not only own up to the mistakes I made but say I was a better person because of it.
I was never a bad person internally. I didn’t do bad things. I didn’t steal, cheat or lie. I never did cross moral boundaries intentionally in that aspect. My moral compass has always pointed me the right way. I would gather that is why everyone has always punished me harsher than others. Because they knew I would get it eventually. Some people who are punished don’t get it. They don’t even understand the meaning behind it. They rationalize the behavior. They justify it. They can make a rape look like it was nothing more than a misunderstanding. I always was the honest one who was like okay you caught me. I know I did wrong but most importantly I learned to know why I was doing wrong.
I took her to a park. I was selfish in that aspect as I wanted to experience nature. She didn’t have to tell me she had no one. I knew it already. That is why I was there with her. She didn’t have to tell me she was trying hard because I knew she believed she was. She didn’t have to tell me she was lost because she had asked me for my help.
For over an hour I told her my story and explained that even though I don’t have it all together, I am a lot farther than where I was ten years ago and that change is possible so long as you commit to the decision to want to be different. This means that everyone else stays the same and the only thing that you can change is your reaction to them. I told her to set goals because she has no direction and she will never go anywhere without a destination. She is 26 years old. She could do a lot in 10 years. I did a lot in ten years myself. But then again, I wanted to. I had to. I had to survive. I could not live anymore being passive to life. I had to be active. I had to take the wheel. I had to stop running away from consequences and start making better choices so I had better results. I had to destroy myself before I rebuilt myself.
I left her with a real hug. I told her I was proud of her. I told her it didn’t matter if no one else could say it that I was saying it. I told her that I believed in her and that she was doing a great job. I had to leave then as I was already almost 2 hours later for another appointment I had pushed off. This seemed more important though. It seemed like something I had to do. I had to speak to her. I had to tell her things. She needed to hear things. Even if in the end she remains in the same rut I hope she remembers the time I gave her and the wisdom I shared.