I Took a Lover

I took a lover. This was a mistake. I should never have believed that this was possible to maintain. To expierence. To be even slightly something I need in my life. With my stability issues as is it seems even ridiculous in the first place. If only I would have kept up with my imginary boyfriend this never would have happened.

I took a lover or should I say he took me. It is too much for me to think of it’s loss which is why I should never have accepted it’s gain. It plagues me now as I sit here ignored. I hate being ignored. Maybe it’s not intentional and it doesn’t even matter if it were. The fact that it resonates something inside me tells me that I cannot handle this type of situation. I need to return to seclusion. I had my fix. It should end now. I should digress. I shouldn’t continue. It only devestates me when I don’t get an answer I expect.

I took a lover and it was unlike an expierence I have known. He told me he missed me. Twice. His voice wavered. It was out of character and made it real. He told me to come back. I pretended I had to think about it. He ordered me and I submitted. He later cancelled. I was relieved. Another night like the last would cripple me. I would beg for him everynight. It is best to keep the distance. He has more will power than I. He is best to keep me at arms lengths. I destroy my lovers. They taste my love and no other love compares. I love without reservations. I love without hesitation. I love intensely. Perhaps I can understand his failure to communicate. Perhaps I understand this is what should be happening and I shouldn’t be angry for beingseemingly ignored.

I took a lover and I miss him. I took a lover and I like him. I took a lover and in the night we throw ourselves into passion and desire so deeply tender and full of such intesity that I would be lying if I said it wasn’t addicting. Addicting to be in his arms. Naked between his sheets. Naked without socks. He likes my feet. I like that he likes my feet. I bought pink nailpolish to paint my toenails. I hate pink. I like my lover though. I like the way he says my name. I like the way he makes me feel. I like the man behind the lover which makes it difficult when keeping emotions out of the relationship we won’t committ to.

I took a lover and I shouldn’t have. It makes me feel things I don’t want to feel after we love in the night. It makes me vulnerable. It makes me think too much. I crave being naked in between his sheets listening to country music as we sleep nestled in close to each other. The warmth of his body pleasing to feel. I could have any man but I choose him. He is the one I am fixated one. He is the lover I want. My eyes have looked at others and I only miss him more.

I took a lover and I hate him right now. He did nothing wrong and everything right. From the night our eyes bore holes into the others souls to the night we held eachother tightly and he said he missed me, twice- he did everything right. But its time. It can’t continue. I can’t obsess. He doesn’t not desire to be desired but he desires to be touched. I desire to be desired and to be touched. We are not meant to be as one outside the night.

I took a lover and I must give him back. It is not because he is defective but because I can not deal with perfection. It is too perfect in the nights we share tender touches. Kisses like turkish delight. He must remain unbroken by me. I must give him back. I cannot keep him. I must keep moving. I don’t want a lover. It confuses me. It takes my focus away from myself. It distracts me from life. It is not the path I am here to lead. He cannot be mine. I cannot be his. This must end.

I took a lover and I have to say goodbye. It’s for the best. Fade out gentle as I faded in. Life will remain the same. Nothing has changed. He can continue to ignore me as I find I am above that. Regardless of reason I demand to be heard. I cannot take a lover see as it confuses me. It plays on my abandonment issues and it makes me panic. I don’t like to feel this way. It is nothing I want to expierence another day. I will have to ignore my lover if he answers. Let him feel the uncertainity I am feeling now. Not that it will change anything. But at least it shows I do not need him. I do not need his attention. I may have wanted it, craved it, desired it but certainly I do not need it. Besides, he is best off without me as a lover as I would destroy him in the end.

Once I had a lover….

 

 

 

 

 

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