I left my lover this morning. I held his head in my hands and confessed, “I’m in love with you. I can’t come back.” He didn’t say anything. Minutes later I broke the silence with a kiss and searched his eyes for a reaction but he avoided them. I didn’t want a response. I didn’t need him to say any words to tell me what I already knew. I had told him this was our last night together. I doubt he was expecting the reason why.
I am afraid of love. I destroy love. Love is not for me. Not this being in love bullshit. I can handle love but I can not handle this. I understand that he is an expression of my own soul and for that I am grateful and give much thanks. I don’t want to tarnish what we have. I want to keep it perfect in the time that we had. I don’t want to have it end as every other love has ended for me. I do not want to destroy him. I want him to heed my warning. I want him to be scared. I want him to turn his back and never see me again. I told him I was in love with him for precisely that reason. I don’t want to go back. I enjoy it too much. It is the crack to my pipe and I can not get enough. It doesn’t last. Romantic love is not even real love. It is an infatuation. It is actually incorrect to assume I am just in love with the guy as I confess I believe I love him as well. I had to tell him I was in love though for the drama. Maybe it was completely unfair for me to say it like that. Was that selfish? Was that my ego? It was. I am acting out of fear. My intentions were not from love. Fuck.
No matter it is what it is and I cannot go back. I suppose I am unsure of what I am doing. He has taken me and my body to exponential heights. Perhaps it is becuase of that in which I fear the most. The inability to release myself from that addiction. I fear I might have lost my lover but perhaps it won’t be for nothing. If one sacrifices the wrong love at the right time then one will be rewarded far beyond what was sacrificed. I am banking on that. I am trusting the universe. I am trusting myself. I do not regret my confession I just now must ask myself why. To what purpose does this serve. I do not wish any harm towards my lover. If I shall lose him than it is for the best. I cannot be caught up in a love affair. I simply cannot bare the end. It always ends.
This is not about making babies and planning a future filled with friends mingling and dinner parties. This is two people lusting. Two people who have done this dance before and left exhausted. This is about me not being able to mentally handle it. This is me being terrified. This is me fucking up happiness because I identify with Tristen. Because I must suffer to love. Because it is only in this sick twisted reality that makes sense. That I can not have real love. That it is karma to be unloved. I don’t want his love. I want to just return to my love of death and forget that he came to me. Perhaps it was to rescue me. Perhaps I am on the correct path and went of course.
Perhaps I was not supposed to leave my lover. I should not worry. I should trust that this is a process. I shouldn’t even think. Thinking gets me in trouble. Thinking makes me crazy. It gives me ideas. Sometimes I talk outloud and my babbles don’t make any more sense outloud than they did in my head. Sometimes I wish I could speak as I wrote. Instead of saying, “I’m in love with you so I can’t come back” I should have said “I feel ecstacy in your touch and it scares the shit out of me and also reminds me how I will never have true love and so I shouldn’t expierence romantic love because I don’t want romantic love I want true love”. Hence why I sometimes think about buying a gun. Just for when the next moment of clarity comes to me and death calls for me. So I can be ready for that moment.
I must be paying karma debt for past lives. All I have ever wanted was to be loved and yet it is the only thing that I can never have. I can feel it. I can be it. I can make it. But yet no one can afford me the pleasure of it. I suddenly regret everything. I regret thinking. I regret getting involved. How can I bounce back from this? I planned it. I have had it in my head for days. Since last I saw him. It is because I read my letters to Sage from November discussing how I should focus on life and not love. Why waste my time with something that isn’t meant to last? How do I know it? I know because it is me. I have no 6’s in my chart. Family life- a true companion is not mine to be had.
I just need to go back to where that thought comforted me so much as his loving arms. I need to return to the security of my selfishenss oppose to his soft sheets. The Iching only further confuses me. I shoudl get some work accomplished. I have successfully wasted the day in thoughts and I am not anywhere closer to anything.
Last night someone asked me to help them just by listening, just by being there. I went to them. She spent more time listening to me than I did listening to her. I suppose I would gather it is because she needed to hear from me. She needed to hear that things can get better. I like to think of myself as one of the lucky ones. I didn’t kill myself in drugs. I didn’t kill anyone else either. I didn’t waste the majority of my life trying to gain footing from a life I had to build myself from the bottom. Not only did I have to start at the bottom, I had a huge hole to fill in before I could even begin. I didn’t hold back from her.
I told her she needed to stop bullshitting herself. Being different means doing different. If we cling to our same habits and thoughts that we have always had we cannot expect anything different. We will always be disappointed. Pain is a constant. Suffering is a choice. We do not have to hurt anymore because of the abuses we suffered from others.
I found a journal from 2000 when I was 20. I had a lot of anger for my parents and life. I wrote to myself my story as it was then as a 20 year old. I was rather disturbed. Rapes I had forgotten about and injustices which had occurred. I was not disgusted by myself as I read this. Rather I was proud that I could look back sixteen years later and not only own up to the mistakes I made but say I was a better person because of it.
I was never a bad person internally. I didn’t do bad things. I didn’t steal, cheat or lie. I never did cross moral boundaries intentionally in that aspect. My moral compass has always pointed me the right way. I would gather that is why everyone has always punished me harsher than others. Because they knew I would get it eventually. Some people who are punished don’t get it. They don’t even understand the meaning behind it. They rationalize the behavior. They justify it. They can make a rape look like it was nothing more than a misunderstanding. I always was the honest one who was like okay you caught me. I know I did wrong but most importantly I learned to know why I was doing wrong.
I took her to a park. I was selfish in that aspect as I wanted to experience nature. She didn’t have to tell me she had no one. I knew it already. That is why I was there with her. She didn’t have to tell me she was trying hard because I knew she believed she was. She didn’t have to tell me she was lost because she had asked me for my help.
For over an hour I told her my story and explained that even though I don’t have it all together, I am a lot farther than where I was ten years ago and that change is possible so long as you commit to the decision to want to be different. This means that everyone else stays the same and the only thing that you can change is your reaction to them. I told her to set goals because she has no direction and she will never go anywhere without a destination. She is 26 years old. She could do a lot in 10 years. I did a lot in ten years myself. But then again, I wanted to. I had to. I had to survive. I could not live anymore being passive to life. I had to be active. I had to take the wheel. I had to stop running away from consequences and start making better choices so I had better results. I had to destroy myself before I rebuilt myself.
I left her with a real hug. I told her I was proud of her. I told her it didn’t matter if no one else could say it that I was saying it. I told her that I believed in her and that she was doing a great job. I had to leave then as I was already almost 2 hours later for another appointment I had pushed off. This seemed more important though. It seemed like something I had to do. I had to speak to her. I had to tell her things. She needed to hear things. Even if in the end she remains in the same rut I hope she remembers the time I gave her and the wisdom I shared.
Last night again I found myself naked in between his sheets. I kissed every inch of his body. I have never kissed the back of a knee before or even an ankle and I am sure it was just as erotic for him as it was for me. My bra he threw to the windowsill and I left it there this morning when I relenctuantly left. I told him I would have to ignore him so he can miss me. He laughed. I can’t help but feel happiness in his laughter. I asked him if he was ever going to let me take him out for dinner or if he just wanted me in his bed. His reply still makes me chuckle, “Sure. Right now? Lets go!” I reminded him nothing was open. It made me laugh. I like his humor. I like his touch. I don’t even care who knows or who might judge. So far as I am concerned it distracts me from my misery. I told him he was the meth to my pipe. I don’t have a gambling addiction but a lover addiction. It’s best we cool it for a few days so that we don’t lose that excitement. That boring mundane routine. I have to remind myself this. Two nights in a row really makes a person think about these things. I don’t mind loving the guy. I prefer it over anything but I can’t get so caught up in it that I lose myself. He enjoys me too. It is such a wonderful feeling. I feel sexy for him. I have never expierenced this before. It is amazing how incredible he feels and how he makes me feel. Its liberating. He has opened up a side of me I was not aware I had. It is scary yet exhilerating. I have to keep myself distracted. I would go to him everytime he asked. I know I enjoy his embrace too much.
My lover has remained constant. Last night I scattered my clothes down the hall. He makes me feel sexy. We spent hours loving. He cooked me pork after I confessed I was starving myself. He said he wanted to keep me alive because we were great lovers and he wanted to enjoy it for a long time. I’m not entirely sure what this means but I guess you could say I have a committed lover. I don’t mind. It’s just I don’t wish to destroy him. Nor do I wish to be destroyed. I’m rather confused by the series of events leading up to this. I’m rather confused on where to go next. I’m lost in his embrace. Literally I have found purpose in life with love. But I know, I’m not an idiot, I know it won’t last. This lust. This passion we have. He has no doubt never experienced such a tender touch as my own. Do I touch so tenderly because I’m starved for love? He counted how many times I folded his toilet paper. I think he might be just as caught up in this affair as myself. I can’t help but to proceed. To throw myself in without reservations as I want to experience this in its fullest. I enjoy my lover. Mornings are not so horrible. Nights I look forward to being naked in between his sheets. He plays country music and it’s the only time I find myself enjoying it. I am caught up. I don’t mind. Not today. I love having a lover. It makes life less boring. It cuts back on other addictions as well. I crave him. I crave him now. When will this desire fade? When will I lose interest? I await for him to tell me to come to him. It excites me. However, if tonight proves to be spent in his bed I must go silent for days so he can appreciate missing me. It’s a psychological trick. I was born a manipulator. I will make this a spectacular endeavor as it already has been. I find I am unable to stay away at this point. He knows it. My drunken babbles remind me in waken lucidity. I’ve taken a lover and I like him. We love unlike I’ve known. I think I’ll keep him for now. So least I am able to expierence such tenderness.
I took a lover. This was a mistake. I should never have believed that this was possible to maintain. To expierence. To be even slightly something I need in my life. With my stability issues as is it seems even ridiculous in the first place. If only I would have kept up with my imginary boyfriend this never would have happened.
I took a lover or should I say he took me. It is too much for me to think of it’s loss which is why I should never have accepted it’s gain. It plagues me now as I sit here ignored. I hate being ignored. Maybe it’s not intentional and it doesn’t even matter if it were. The fact that it resonates something inside me tells me that I cannot handle this type of situation. I need to return to seclusion. I had my fix. It should end now. I should digress. I shouldn’t continue. It only devestates me when I don’t get an answer I expect.
I took a lover and it was unlike an expierence I have known. He told me he missed me. Twice. His voice wavered. It was out of character and made it real. He told me to come back. I pretended I had to think about it. He ordered me and I submitted. He later cancelled. I was relieved. Another night like the last would cripple me. I would beg for him everynight. It is best to keep the distance. He has more will power than I. He is best to keep me at arms lengths. I destroy my lovers. They taste my love and no other love compares. I love without reservations. I love without hesitation. I love intensely. Perhaps I can understand his failure to communicate. Perhaps I understand this is what should be happening and I shouldn’t be angry for beingseemingly ignored.
I took a lover and I miss him. I took a lover and I like him. I took a lover and in the night we throw ourselves into passion and desire so deeply tender and full of such intesity that I would be lying if I said it wasn’t addicting. Addicting to be in his arms. Naked between his sheets. Naked without socks. He likes my feet. I like that he likes my feet. I bought pink nailpolish to paint my toenails. I hate pink. I like my lover though. I like the way he says my name. I like the way he makes me feel. I like the man behind the lover which makes it difficult when keeping emotions out of the relationship we won’t committ to.
I took a lover and I shouldn’t have. It makes me feel things I don’t want to feel after we love in the night. It makes me vulnerable. It makes me think too much. I crave being naked in between his sheets listening to country music as we sleep nestled in close to each other. The warmth of his body pleasing to feel. I could have any man but I choose him. He is the one I am fixated one. He is the lover I want. My eyes have looked at others and I only miss him more.
I took a lover and I hate him right now. He did nothing wrong and everything right. From the night our eyes bore holes into the others souls to the night we held eachother tightly and he said he missed me, twice- he did everything right. But its time. It can’t continue. I can’t obsess. He doesn’t not desire to be desired but he desires to be touched. I desire to be desired and to be touched. We are not meant to be as one outside the night.
I took a lover and I must give him back. It is not because he is defective but because I can not deal with perfection. It is too perfect in the nights we share tender touches. Kisses like turkish delight. He must remain unbroken by me. I must give him back. I cannot keep him. I must keep moving. I don’t want a lover. It confuses me. It takes my focus away from myself. It distracts me from life. It is not the path I am here to lead. He cannot be mine. I cannot be his. This must end.
I took a lover and I have to say goodbye. It’s for the best. Fade out gentle as I faded in. Life will remain the same. Nothing has changed. He can continue to ignore me as I find I am above that. Regardless of reason I demand to be heard. I cannot take a lover see as it confuses me. It plays on my abandonment issues and it makes me panic. I don’t like to feel this way. It is nothing I want to expierence another day. I will have to ignore my lover if he answers. Let him feel the uncertainity I am feeling now. Not that it will change anything. But at least it shows I do not need him. I do not need his attention. I may have wanted it, craved it, desired it but certainly I do not need it. Besides, he is best off without me as a lover as I would destroy him in the end.
Once I had a lover….