I left my lover

I left my lover this morning. I held his head in my hands and confessed, “I’m in love with you. I can’t come back.” He didn’t say anything. Minutes later I broke the silence with a kiss and searched his eyes for a reaction but he avoided them. I didn’t want a response. I didn’t need him to say any words to tell me what I already knew. I had told him this was our last night together. I doubt he was expecting the reason why.

I am afraid of love. I destroy love. Love is not for me. Not this being in love bullshit. I can handle love but I can not handle this. I understand that he is an expression of my own soul and for that I am grateful and give much thanks. I don’t want to tarnish what we have. I want to keep it perfect in the time that we had. I don’t want to have it end as every other love has ended for me. I do not want to destroy him. I want him to heed my warning. I want him to be scared. I want him to turn his back and never see me again. I told him I was in love with him for precisely that reason. I don’t want to go back. I enjoy it too much. It is the crack to my pipe and I can not get enough. It doesn’t last. Romantic love is not even real love. It is an infatuation. It is actually incorrect to assume I am just in love with the guy as I confess I believe I love him as well. I had to tell him I was in love though for the drama. Maybe it was completely unfair for me to say it like that. Was that selfish? Was that my ego? It was. I am acting out of fear. My intentions were not from love. Fuck.

No matter it is what it is and I cannot go back. I suppose I am unsure of what I am doing. He has taken me and my body to exponential heights. Perhaps it is becuase of that in which I fear the most. The inability to release myself from that addiction. I fear I might have lost my lover but perhaps it won’t be for nothing. If one sacrifices the wrong love at the right time then one will be rewarded far beyond what was sacrificed. I am banking on that. I am trusting the universe. I am trusting myself. I do not regret my confession I just now must ask myself why. To what purpose does this serve. I do not wish any harm towards my lover. If I shall lose him than it is for the best. I cannot be caught up in a love affair. I simply cannot bare the end. It always ends.

This is not about making babies and planning a future filled with friends mingling and dinner parties. This is two people lusting. Two people who have done this dance before and left exhausted. This is about me not being able to mentally handle it. This is me being terrified. This is me fucking up happiness because I identify with Tristen. Because I must suffer to love. Because it is only in this sick twisted reality that makes sense. That I can not have real love. That it is karma to be unloved. I don’t want his love. I want to just return to my love of death and forget that he came to me. Perhaps it was to rescue me. Perhaps I am on the correct path and went of course.

Perhaps I was not supposed to leave my lover. I should not worry. I should trust that this is a process. I shouldn’t even think. Thinking gets me in trouble. Thinking makes me crazy. It gives me ideas. Sometimes I talk outloud and my babbles don’t make any more sense outloud than they did in my head. Sometimes I wish I could speak as I wrote. Instead of saying, “I’m in love with you so I can’t come back” I should have said “I feel ecstacy in your touch and it scares the shit out of me and also reminds me how I will never have true love and so I shouldn’t expierence romantic love because I don’t want romantic love I want true love”. Hence why I sometimes think about buying a gun. Just for when the next moment of clarity comes to me and death calls for me. So I can be ready for that moment.

I must be paying karma debt for past lives. All I have ever wanted was to be loved and yet it is the only thing that I can never have. I can feel it. I can be it. I can make it. But yet no one can afford me the pleasure of it. I suddenly regret everything. I regret thinking. I regret getting involved. How can I bounce back from this? I planned it. I have had it in my head for days. Since last I saw him. It is because I read my letters to Sage from November discussing how I should focus on life and not love. Why waste my time with something that isn’t meant to last? How do I know it? I know because it is me. I have no 6’s in my chart. Family life- a true companion is not mine to be had.

I just need to go back to where that thought comforted me so much as his loving arms. I need to return to the security of my selfishenss oppose to his soft sheets. The Iching only further confuses me. I shoudl get some work accomplished. I have successfully wasted the day in thoughts and I am not anywhere closer to anything.

 

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Affirmations #2

When you feel lonely and sad:

  1. I feel the love of those who are not physically around me.
    2. I take pleasure in my own solitude.
    3. I am too big a gift to this world to feel self-pity.
    4. I love and approve of myself.

When you feel terrified (without your safety being in danger):

  1. I focus on breathing and grounding myself.
    6. Following my intuition and my heart keeps me safe and sound.
    7. I make the right choices every time.
    8. I draw from my inner strength and light.
    9. I trust myself.

When you feel insignificant:

  1. I am a unique child of this world.
    11. I have as much brightness to offer the world as the next person.
    12. I matter and what I have to offer this world also matters.
    13. I may be one in 7 billion but I am also one in 7 billion.

When you are nervous or afraid:

  1. I trust my inner wisdom and intuition.
    15. I breathe in calmness and breathe out nervousness.
    16. This situation works out for my highest good.
    17. Wonderful things unfold before me.

When you are angry:

  1. Iforgive myselffor all the mistakes I have made.
    19. I let go of my anger so I can see clearly.
    20. I accept responsibility if my anger has hurt anyone.
    21. I replace my anger with understanding and compassion.
    22. I offer an apology to those affected by my anger.

When you feel hopeless and at the end of your rope:

  1. I may not understand the good in this situation but it is there.
    24. I muster up more hope and courage from deep inside me.
    25. I choose to find hopeful and optimistic ways to look at this.
    26. I kindly ask for help and guidance if I cannot see a better way.
    27. I refuse to give up because I haven’t tried all possible ways.

When you feel conflicted about a decision:

  1. I know my wisdom guides me to the right decision.
    29. I trust myself to make the best decision for me.
    30. I receive all feedback withkindnessbut make the final call myself.
    31. I listen lovingly to this inner conflict and reflect on it until I get to peace around it.
    32. I love my family even if they do not understand me completely.
    33. I show my family how much I love them in all the verbal and non-verbal ways I can.
    34. There is a good reason I was paired with this perfect family.
    35. I choose to see my family as a gift.
    36. I am a better person from the hardship that I’ve gone through with my family.

When you are among friends:

  1. I choose friends who approve of me and love me.
    38. I surround myself with people who treat me well.
    39. I take the time to show my friends that I care about them.
    40. My friends do not judge me, nor do they influence what I do with my life.
    41. I take great pleasure in my friends, even if we disagree or live different lives.

When you are around strangers:

  1. I am beautifuland smart and that’s how everyone sees me.
    43. I take comfort in the fact that I can always leave this situation.
    44. I never know what amazing incredible person I will meet next.
    45. The company of strangers teaches me more about my own likes and dislikes.

When you are at work:

  1. I am doing work that I enjoy and find fulfilling.
    47. I play a big role in my owncareer success.
    48. I ask for and do meaningful, wonderful and rewarding work.
    49. I engage in work that impacts this world positively.
    50. I believe in my ability to change the world withthe work that I do.

When you can’t sleep:

  1. Peaceful sleep awaits me in dreamland.
    52. I let go of all the false stories I make up in my head.
    53. I release my mind of thought until the morning.
    54. I embrace the peace and quiet of the night.
    55. Isleep soundly and deeplyand beautifully into this night.

When you don’t want to face the day:

  1. This day brings me nothing but joy.
    57. Today will be a gorgeous day to remember.
    58. My thoughts are my reality so I think up a bright new day.
    59. I fill my day with hope and face it with joy.
    60. I choose to fully participate in my day.

When you worry about your future:

  1. I let go of worries that drain my energy.
    62. I make smart, calculated plans for my future.
    63. I am amoney magnetand attract wealth and abundance.
    64. I am in complete charge of planning for my future.
    65. I trust in my own ability to provide well for my family.

When you can’t get your loved ones to support your dreams:

  1. I follow my dreams no matter what.
    67. I show compassion in helping my loved ones understand my dreams.
    68. Iask my loved onesto support my dreams.
    69. I answer questions about my dreams without getting defensive.
    70. My loved ones love me even without fully grappling with my dreams.
    71. I accept everyone as they are and continue on with pursuing my dream.

When you come face to face with a problem:

  1. I am safe and sound. All is well.
    73. Everything works out for my highest good.
    74. There is a great reason this is unfolding before me now.
    75. I have the smarts and the ability to get through this.
    76. All my problems have a solution.

When you want to do more with your life but feel stuck:

  1. I attempt all – not some – possible ways to get unstuck.
    78. I seek a new way of thinking about this situation.
    79. The answer is right before me, even if I am not seeing it yet.
    80. I believe in my ability to unlock the way and set myself free.

When you can’t stop comparing yourself to others:

  1. I have no right to compare myself to anyone for I do not know their whole story.
    82. I compare myself only to my highest self.
    83. I choose to see the light that I am to this world.
    84. I am happy in my own skin and in my own circumstances.
    85. I see myself as a gift to my people and community and nation.

When you feel you are not good enough no matter how hard you try:

  1. I am more than good enough and I get better every day.
    87. I give up the habit to criticize myself.
    88. I adopt the mindset to praise myself.
    89. I see the perfection in all my flaws and all my genius.
    90. I fully approve of who I am, even as I get better.
    91. I am a good person at all times of day and night.

When you want to give up:

  1. I cannot give up until I havetried every conceivable way.
    93. Giving up is easy and always an option so let’s delay it for another day.
    94. I press on because I believe in my path.
    95. It is always too early to give up on my goals.
    96. I must know what awaits me at the end of this rope so I do not give up.

When you recognize how powerful, gifted, talented and brilliant you really are:

  1. The past has no power over me anymore
    98. I embrace the rhythm and the flowing of my own heart.
    99. All that I need comes to me at the right time and place in this life.
    100. I am deeply fulfilled with who I am.

 

Affirmations to Live By

Happiness

  1. Happiness is my birthright. I embrace happiness as my set point state of being.
  2. I feel joy and contentment in this moment right now.
  3. I awaken in the morning feeling happy and enthusiastic about life.
  4. I can tap into a wellspring of inner happiness anytime I wish.
  5. By allowing myself to be happy, I inspire others to be happy as well.
  6. I have fun with all of my endeavors, even the most mundane.
  7. I look at the world around me and can’t help but smile and feel joy.
  8. I find joy and pleasure in the most simple things in life.
  9. I have an active sense of humor and love to share laughter with others.
  10. My heart is overflowing with joy.
  11. I rest in happiness when I go to sleep, knowing all is well in my world.

Love Relationship

  1. My partner and I share a deep and powerful love for each other.
  2. I respect and admire my partner and see the best in him/her.
  3. I love my partner exactly how he/she is and enjoy his/her unique qualities.
  4. My partner and I share emotional intimacy daily through talking and touch.
  5. I have healthy boundaries with my partner.
  6. My partner and I have fun together and find new ways to enjoy our time together.
  7. My partner and I communicate openly and resolve conflict peacefully and respectfully.
  8. I am able to be fully myself and completely authentic in my love relationship.
  9.  I communicate my desires and needs clearly and confidently with my partner.
  10. I want the best for my partner and easily go out of my way to support him/her.

Success

  1. I expect to be successful in all of my endeavors. Success is my natural state.
  2. I easily find solutions to challenges and roadblocks and move past them quickly.
  3. Mistakes and setbacks are stepping stones to my success because I learn from them.
  4. Every day in every way, I am becoming more and more successful.
  5. I feel successful with my life right now, even as I work toward future success.
  6. I know exactly what I need to do to achieve success.
  7. I see fear as the fuel for my success and take bold action in spite of fear.
  8. I feel powerful, capable, confident, energetic, and on top of the world.
  9. I have an intention for success and know it is a reality awaiting my arrival.
  10. I have now reached my goal of _______ and feel the excitement of my achievement.
  11. Today I am successful. Tomorrow I will be successful. Every day I am successful.

Confidence

  1. When I breath, I inhale confidence and exhale timidity.
  2. I love meeting strangers and approach them with boldness and enthusiasm.
  3. I live in the present and am confident of the future.
  4. My personality exudes confidence. I am bold and outgoing.
  5. I am self-reliant, creative and persistent in whatever I do.
  6. I am energetic and enthusiastic. Confidence is my second nature.
  7. I always attract only the best of circumstances and the best positive people in my life.
  8. I am a problem solver. I focus on solutions and always find the best solution.
  9. I love change and easily adjust myself to new situations.
  10. I am well groomed, healthy and full of confidence. My outer self is matched by my inner well being.
  11. Self confidence is what I thrive on. Nothing is impossible and life is great.
  12. I always see only the good in others. I attract only positiveconfident people.

Self-Esteem

  1. I approve of myself and love myself deeply and completely.
  2. I am unique. I feel good about being alive and being me.
  3. I trust myself and know my inner wisdom is my best guide.
  4. I have integrity. I am totally reliable. I do what I say.
  5. I act from a place of personal security.
  6. I fully accept myself and know that I am worthy of great things in life.
  7. I choose to be proud of myself.
  8. I find deep inner peace within myself as I am.
  9. I fill my mind with positive and nourishing thoughts.
  10. My confidence,self esteem, and inner wisdom are increasing with each day.
  11. My immune system is very strong and can deal with any kind of bacteria, germs and viruses.

Health

  1. Every cell in my body vibrates with energy and health.
  2. I am completely pain free, and my body is full of energy.
  3. I nourish my body with healthy food.
  4. All of my body systems are functioning perfectly..
  5. My body is healing, and I feel better and better every day.
  6. I enjoy exercising my body and strengthening my muscles.
  7. With every breath out, Irelease stressin my body.
  8. I send love and healing to every organ of my body.
  9. I breathe deeply, exercise regularly and feed only good nutritious food to my body.
  10. I pay attention and listen to what my body needs for health and vitality.
  11. I sleep soundly and peacefully, and awaken feeling rested and energetic.
  12. I am surrounded by people who encourage and support healthy choices.

Peace

  1. My world is a peaceful, loving, and joy-filled place to live.
  2. I sow the seeds of peace wherever I go.
  3. I surround myself with peaceful people.
  4. My work environment is calm and peaceful.
  5. I breath in peace, I breath out chaos and disorder.
  6. My home is a peaceful sanctuary where I feel safe and happy.
  7. In all that I say and do, I choose peace.
  8. I release past anger and hurts and fill myself with serenity and peaceful thoughts.
  9. Peace descends all around me now and always.
  10. I send peace from myself into the world.
  11. I respond peacefully in all situations.

Mindfulness

  1. I am grounded in the experience of the present moment.
  2. I am focus and engaged in the task at hand.
  3. All is well right now.
  4. I am grateful for this moment and find joy in it.
  5. I gently and easily return to the present moment.
  6. I observe my thoughts and actions without judging them.
  7. I am fully present in all of my relationships.
  8. Life is happening in this moment.
  9. I accept and embrace all experiences, even unpleasant ones.
  10. I observe my emotions without getting attached to them.
  11. I meditate easily without resistance or anxiety.
  12. I release the past and live fully in the present moment.

Inner calm

  1. Calmness washes over me with every deep breath I take.
  2. Every day I am more and more at ease.
  3. Being calm and relaxed energizes my whole being.
  4. All the muscles in my body are releasing and relaxing.
  5. Allnegativityand stress are evaporating from my body and my mind.
  6. I breath in relaxation. I breath out stress.
  7. Even when there is chaos around me, I remain calm and centered.
  8. I transcend stress of any kind. I live in peace.
  9. I am free of anxiety, and a calm inner peace fills my mind and body.
  10. All is well in my world. I am calm, happy, and content.

 

 

 

 

Request For Wisdom Approved

Last night someone asked me to help them just by listening, just by being there. I went to them. She spent more time listening to me than I did listening to her. I suppose I would gather it is because she needed to hear from me. She needed to hear that things can get better. I like to think of myself as one of the lucky ones. I didn’t kill myself in drugs. I didn’t kill anyone else either. I didn’t waste the majority of my life trying to gain footing from a life I had to build myself from the bottom. Not only did I have to start at the bottom, I had a huge hole to fill in before I could even begin. I didn’t hold back from her.

I told her she needed to stop bullshitting herself. Being different means doing different. If we cling to our same habits and thoughts that we have always had we cannot expect anything different. We will always be disappointed.  Pain is a constant. Suffering is a choice. We do not have to hurt anymore because of the abuses we suffered from others.

I found a journal from 2000 when I was 20. I had a lot of anger for my parents and life. I wrote to myself my story as it was then as a 20 year old. I was rather disturbed. Rapes I had forgotten about and injustices which had occurred. I was not disgusted by myself as I read this. Rather I was proud that I could look back sixteen years later and not only own up to the mistakes I made but say I was a better person because of it.

I was never a bad person internally. I didn’t do bad things. I didn’t steal, cheat or lie. I never did cross moral boundaries intentionally in that aspect. My moral compass has always pointed me the right way. I would gather that is why everyone has always punished me harsher than others. Because they knew I would get it eventually. Some people who are punished don’t get it. They don’t even understand the meaning behind it. They rationalize the behavior. They justify it. They can make a rape look like it was nothing more than a misunderstanding. I always was the honest one who was like okay you caught me. I know I did wrong but most importantly I learned to know why I was doing wrong.

I took her to a park. I was selfish in that aspect as I wanted to experience nature. She didn’t have to tell me she had no one. I knew it already. That is why I was there with her. She didn’t have to tell me she was trying hard because I knew she believed she was. She didn’t have to tell me she was lost because she had asked me for my help.

For over an hour I told her my story and explained that even though I don’t have it all together, I am a lot farther than where I was ten years ago and that change is possible so long as you commit to the decision to want to be different. This means that everyone else stays the same and the only thing that you can change is your reaction to them. I told her to set goals because she has no direction and she will never go anywhere without a destination. She is 26 years old. She could do a lot in 10 years. I did a lot in ten years myself. But then again, I wanted to. I had to. I had to survive. I could not live anymore being passive to life. I had to be active. I had to take the wheel. I had to stop running away from consequences and start making better choices so I had better results. I had to destroy myself before I rebuilt myself.

I left her with a real hug. I told her I was proud of her. I told her it didn’t matter if no one else could say it that I was saying it. I told her that I believed in her and that she was doing a great job. I had to leave then as I was already almost 2 hours later for another appointment I had pushed off. This seemed more important though. It seemed like something I had to do. I had to speak to her. I had to tell her things. She needed to hear things. Even if in the end she remains in the same rut I hope she remembers the time I gave her and the wisdom I shared.

Another Night For Lovers

Last night again I found myself naked in between his sheets. I kissed every inch of his body. I have never kissed the back of a knee before or even an ankle and I am sure it was just as erotic for him as it was for me. My bra he threw to the windowsill and I left it there this morning when I relenctuantly left. I told him I would have to ignore him so he can miss me. He laughed. I can’t help but feel happiness in his laughter. I asked him if he was ever going to let me take him out for dinner or if he just wanted me in his bed. His reply still makes me chuckle, “Sure. Right now? Lets go!” I reminded him nothing was open. It made me laugh. I like his humor. I like his touch. I don’t even care who knows or who might judge. So far as I am concerned it distracts me from my misery. I told him he was the meth to my pipe. I don’t have a gambling addiction but a lover addiction. It’s best we cool it for a few days so that we don’t lose that excitement. That boring mundane routine. I have to remind myself this. Two nights in a row really makes a person think about these things. I don’t mind loving the guy. I prefer it over anything but I can’t get so caught up in it that I lose myself. He enjoys me too. It is such a wonderful feeling. I feel sexy for him. I have never expierenced this before. It is amazing how incredible he feels and how he makes me feel. Its liberating. He has opened up a side of me I was not aware I had. It is scary yet exhilerating. I have to keep myself distracted. I would go to him everytime he asked. I know I enjoy his embrace too much.

My lover remains constant

My lover has remained constant. Last night I scattered my clothes down the hall. He makes me feel sexy. We spent hours loving. He cooked me pork after I confessed I was starving myself. He said he wanted to keep me alive because we were great lovers and he wanted to enjoy it for a long time. I’m not entirely sure what this means but I guess you could say I have a committed lover. I don’t mind. It’s just I don’t wish to destroy him. Nor do I wish to be destroyed. I’m rather confused by the series of events leading up to this. I’m rather confused on where to go next. I’m lost in his embrace. Literally I have found purpose in life with love. But I know, I’m not an idiot, I know it won’t last. This lust. This passion we have. He has no doubt never experienced such a tender touch as my own. Do I touch so tenderly because I’m starved for love? He counted how many times I folded his toilet paper. I think he might be just as caught up in this affair as myself. I can’t help but to proceed. To throw myself in without reservations as I want to experience this in its fullest. I enjoy my lover. Mornings are not so horrible. Nights I look forward to being naked in between his sheets. He plays country music and it’s the only time I find myself enjoying it. I am caught up. I don’t mind. Not today. I love having a lover. It makes life less boring. It cuts back on other addictions as well. I crave him. I crave him now. When will this desire fade? When will I lose interest? I await for him to tell me to come to him. It excites me. However, if tonight proves to be spent in his bed I must go silent for days so he can appreciate missing me. It’s a psychological trick. I was born a manipulator. I will make this a spectacular endeavor as it already has been. I find I am unable to stay away at this point. He knows it. My drunken babbles remind me in waken lucidity. I’ve taken a lover and I like him. We love unlike I’ve known. I think I’ll keep him for now. So least I am able to expierence such tenderness.

I Took a Lover

I took a lover. This was a mistake. I should never have believed that this was possible to maintain. To expierence. To be even slightly something I need in my life. With my stability issues as is it seems even ridiculous in the first place. If only I would have kept up with my imginary boyfriend this never would have happened.

I took a lover or should I say he took me. It is too much for me to think of it’s loss which is why I should never have accepted it’s gain. It plagues me now as I sit here ignored. I hate being ignored. Maybe it’s not intentional and it doesn’t even matter if it were. The fact that it resonates something inside me tells me that I cannot handle this type of situation. I need to return to seclusion. I had my fix. It should end now. I should digress. I shouldn’t continue. It only devestates me when I don’t get an answer I expect.

I took a lover and it was unlike an expierence I have known. He told me he missed me. Twice. His voice wavered. It was out of character and made it real. He told me to come back. I pretended I had to think about it. He ordered me and I submitted. He later cancelled. I was relieved. Another night like the last would cripple me. I would beg for him everynight. It is best to keep the distance. He has more will power than I. He is best to keep me at arms lengths. I destroy my lovers. They taste my love and no other love compares. I love without reservations. I love without hesitation. I love intensely. Perhaps I can understand his failure to communicate. Perhaps I understand this is what should be happening and I shouldn’t be angry for beingseemingly ignored.

I took a lover and I miss him. I took a lover and I like him. I took a lover and in the night we throw ourselves into passion and desire so deeply tender and full of such intesity that I would be lying if I said it wasn’t addicting. Addicting to be in his arms. Naked between his sheets. Naked without socks. He likes my feet. I like that he likes my feet. I bought pink nailpolish to paint my toenails. I hate pink. I like my lover though. I like the way he says my name. I like the way he makes me feel. I like the man behind the lover which makes it difficult when keeping emotions out of the relationship we won’t committ to.

I took a lover and I shouldn’t have. It makes me feel things I don’t want to feel after we love in the night. It makes me vulnerable. It makes me think too much. I crave being naked in between his sheets listening to country music as we sleep nestled in close to each other. The warmth of his body pleasing to feel. I could have any man but I choose him. He is the one I am fixated one. He is the lover I want. My eyes have looked at others and I only miss him more.

I took a lover and I hate him right now. He did nothing wrong and everything right. From the night our eyes bore holes into the others souls to the night we held eachother tightly and he said he missed me, twice- he did everything right. But its time. It can’t continue. I can’t obsess. He doesn’t not desire to be desired but he desires to be touched. I desire to be desired and to be touched. We are not meant to be as one outside the night.

I took a lover and I must give him back. It is not because he is defective but because I can not deal with perfection. It is too perfect in the nights we share tender touches. Kisses like turkish delight. He must remain unbroken by me. I must give him back. I cannot keep him. I must keep moving. I don’t want a lover. It confuses me. It takes my focus away from myself. It distracts me from life. It is not the path I am here to lead. He cannot be mine. I cannot be his. This must end.

I took a lover and I have to say goodbye. It’s for the best. Fade out gentle as I faded in. Life will remain the same. Nothing has changed. He can continue to ignore me as I find I am above that. Regardless of reason I demand to be heard. I cannot take a lover see as it confuses me. It plays on my abandonment issues and it makes me panic. I don’t like to feel this way. It is nothing I want to expierence another day. I will have to ignore my lover if he answers. Let him feel the uncertainity I am feeling now. Not that it will change anything. But at least it shows I do not need him. I do not need his attention. I may have wanted it, craved it, desired it but certainly I do not need it. Besides, he is best off without me as a lover as I would destroy him in the end.

Once I had a lover….