Manic Musings of the Mind

I am going through a wild crazy period of mania mixed with depression. Maybe it’s bipolar as they label me or maybe it’s just normal for me. I don’t want their drugs. I don’t want to be a zombie. I want to be mad. I want to be crazy. I want to change the world around me one person at a time and that takes a completely mad person to do so. My only problem is I am lazy. Which accounts for why I still exist currently. It’s gotta be so. I am all over the place. Making messes and hardly cleaning anything up. The organization complusion so closely knitted into my head is lacking at this time and I am not sure. I just went public. I got an idea. I have to start somewhere. This is the start. Again. Or it’s the end. Again. I think it would be more amusing if it weren’t me having to live through these times. Maybe it’s for you to understand what people like me go through. Are there people like me out there? I’m looking for you. Please come find me. This is why I am leaving my comfort zone. I need you as much as you need me. I will search until I find you. I know you are out there waiting for me. You have to be. I believe in magic. I believe in the power of love. The Universe is preparing something wonderful for me and that is why I don’t have to worry about feeling crappy today. Honestly, I feel amazing today. I think it’s the shirt I am wearing. When you look good you feel good. I know this. Hopefully tomorrow I don’t hate myself again.It gets tiring. I don’t care about anyone else anymore. Like the people around me. Like them on the streets. Those in the windows looking out at me. Those in their chairs judging me. I don’t care about them people. They need self awareness. I am self aware. Don’t fault me for being self aware. If I could get rid of my love for rum and dabs I might be able to move mountains with my mind. Okay, I really don’t believe that but…I am not saying it’s not possible either. The stars and planets are aligned in the sky creating this perfect moment for me. I don’t have to die to matter. I don’t have to die for your love. I don’t have to die for you to give a shit to me. I don’t have to die to be important to someone else. I am the next Sylvia Plath. At least I always wanted to be like her since I can recall. My childhood truth. Sad. Disturbing. I’m learning a lot about myself these days. I’m doing things differently. Parking in different parking places and I am reaching out to different people in different places. I am following my heart of adventure and exploring my creativitiness. I am sure something golden will hit sometime. If not then it’s just shit and will always be shit. At least for the moment I have a purpose. I am a writer. I shall write. I may not be a rapper or a novelist but there is something that calls me to the blank page to pen my ink and share my words. I am not much of a speaker. My words get jambled all the time. I couldn’t even say Rabbit until I was in fourth grade. Speaking never works out for me. I’m just crazy and you know what, I don’t care. I don’t even care if you know that I am crazy. You can study me. Please. Maybe you will find me the answers I need. Maybe you will find me and it will be okay. I trust in the universe. I trust in myself. I just have to write it down otherwise it stays forever unknown in my head. Some may think it’s better no one knows your thoughts. But why is that? It’s beautiful. The pain. The feelings. The expressions. The longer I live through these cycles, the longer I appreciate these moments where I jump back from not killing myself in the shower and go fullblown into another world of surviving. I don’t pretend to even have it close to figured out why but I do know that I understand life and what it is about. Maybe that’s why I know it is going to be okay. We were born from the darkness and into the light we live until we return to the darkness but again, back to the light we will come. This brings me comfort like no other thought I have ever had. It has been a guiding force in the last couple days. I see signs of him everywhere. He was in my dreams as a field of daisies. He was the toad on the screen door last night, the cat at the gas station and the rainbow in the sky. He was the guiding force to a potential new friend. A pen pal. I need a pen pal. I enjoy writing for my own amusement but it’s much more fun when I get to mail it. My problem is that I am obsessive compulsive and have an addictive personality coupled with my inability to committ well a thousand letters later nothing written and nothing sent. It’s an issue I am working on. I am wokring on a lot of things. I should limit the distractions. It’s so easy to be caught up in loving the world…. It is a glorious thing…

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