It is with great pleasure and sadness that I come to you now and announce my intended departure from the great state of Wisconsin. My parents settled here roughly 36 years ago and never left which is how I came to be a Wisconsinette. I’d like to leave my past here and find a new life.
As a child I was troubled, overactive, disobedient, disrespectful and depressed. Most of my classmates hated me and-with good reason. Most of my peers did not understand me, again, with good reason.
I struggled growing up in this small town and finding idenity. I struggled wanting to live in this town and staying alive and for what purpose. It was always bleak to me. It was always hard.
I fell in love with love cause I didn’t feel loved. Had crushes on teachers, my dad’s friends and actors. Wrote love poetry and read novels. Eventually I found myself raped at 14 as a virgin.
I ran away from home because I had it “so rough”. Of course hindsight tells me I had it all wrong. I had it great.
Months later I met a classic sociopath who impregnated me with lies of sterilization. My daughter currently has five siblings, none of which are mine. I became a mom at 15. I was cheated on and abandonned. I was loyal to the predator who sat in prison for 6 years professing our undying love which was all just a farce. It took decades to understand I was a victim. That wasn’t love. Not any kind of love that meant anything.
I prided myself at being prolife until I found myself raped at 16 in front of my screaming newborn. Already struggling to be a mother it was the only option. People hated me enough already. For my junior prom I was recovering from an abortion while others only just kissed for the very first time.
I was expelled my senior year for pot and sent to rehab. I spent more times in hospitals, jails and rehab the next few years than I did at any onejob, which I’ve had plenty.
I gave my child to my parents to get my head straight at 19. I wrestled with drugs to kill me passively and numerous times I’ve purged my body of intentional overdoses.
Many nights I have spent alone, a reality that only exists between me and my secret self, with a desire to die so great that i am left half dying on a tile floor next to the porcelain god. I used drugs to die rather then for a high but that still makes me an addict. It still makes me a junkie for death.
It was when I was 23 that life changed for me. Columbia County AKA “hell”. Eventually I put my life straight, chose to go to school, get my daughter back and live life instead of seeking death. A big shout out to the tax payers who were kind enough to contribute hundreds of thousands of dollars in hospital bills and institutions. I hope you know I appreciate it. I only wished money could cure this mind I have been gifted with.
Just a few years ago I got a helicopter ride to ICU. It was after then I decided that I was titanium and could never die. That I will outlive everyone as punishment for trying to end my life so many times. This is why I want to make friends with all the babies in the world least someone will attend my funeral.
I have much more to tell about my journey but perhaps I should save it for my book. Life got a whole lot more interesting after 23. There is so much to share. Another time though.
Point of all this is that I’m leaving everyone and everything I have ever known and seeing if there is a life out there for me that I can enjoy living. I can’t wake up another day and be without purpose.
I don’t want to give into my suicidal callings. Not quite yet. I barely made it this past winter and some were not so lucky. If I don’t leave now I am afraid I will be just another name on my list only I won’t be around to be the one to write it. No one else even has the list.
I expect failure but that’s the fun of adventure. I might be back in a week or a month or possibly never. I honestly have no idea where this sabatical will lead me. I will miss all the kind souls I have encountered and hope to see glimpses of all my loved ones each step of the way on my journey.
I suppose goodbyes are hard becuase it’s almost like death. I will be absent to you and yet I will still be alive. Hopefully I can make a name for myself and find some fortune to share with all the good people here that I have known.