Sitting At His Place Reminiscing

43 days til I make my escape. It’s surreal. Will it feel as good gone as it does thinking of myself gone? I sit at favorite bar and listen to my music I used to listen to feeling wonderful that I got through the time I did. I’m glad I survived the winter. It was hard but I did it. Some unfortunately weren’t so lucky. It occurred to me yesterday that I was like 99%over my last relationship. The relationship with the narcissist. It occurred to me that I was grateful for the expierence as I learned so much. I fully intend to learn more about life. I have accepted that I am not here for love but I am here for knowledge. It is for the wisdom of expierences that I exist. I will get lost in the world and I have no fear because it is what it should be. It’s okay to leave home. Most people do. I need this. I need this more than I have ever needed anything before….

I played his song. It makes me want to cry. I have so many mixed feelings. I can see him. I’m so angry. I get it but oh so angry I am. The Outfield, “My Paradise” oh…. he was such a wonderful soul. I loved him lots. Nights we battled each other for next song. He would smile and dance as if it was always his first time. He was a heart throb, at least to me… he is the most influential person in my life regardless of the fact that he no longer exists. I think of him often. Tonight I reminisce as I sit at a table playing songs on my phone and drinking my rum. Influencing the mood. So far no one has left.

I wished I could tell him all about it. I knew, I fucking knew he was someone special and this happened. He did this. Why the fuck? I’m so angry. He might have thought of me before it happened. I would like to think I flashed through his mind. I’ve been there before where everything goes through your mind.  I wished I never would have gave up. I just wished he could have hung in there, I did. How is it I made it? He never chased death as I did so how did it happen to find him before me? It makes me angry.

I have no plan on my journey. I suppose it is a sabatical. I ain’t scared. It’s do or die. I am prepared to die. That’s how I know I am fully prepared to live. I am ready to destroy my loathed stability and throw myself at the mercy of the universe. As I explain to the skeptics, I barely made this last winter don’t think I will make this one. I will die in this town if I don’t get out. Some frown others cheer but no worries, still I don’t care cause I know what I gotta do.


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