Still Trying To Find Purpose…

Today I woke up reluctant as in my dream Randall visited. It was a silly dream but it still meant the world. We were doing a portrait of him and he had a big nose. That’s all I recall. This is the second time I have been blessed with him in a dream. Somewhere in the back of my consciousness I remember thinking he doesn’t come out much because he is scared of others anger. I remember thinking that I was just happy to see him. The first dream I had was in Chicago about 6 months after he passed. I remember I woke up feeling so happy. It’s amazing what a dream can do to a person’s mood. Perhaps one reason why I sleep so much is trying to find Randall in that world. The only world we can communicate in since he decided to end his life here. I forgive him. I hope he visits me more often now that he doesn’t have to be afraid.
I sent flowers to a girl who I know who is in the hospital. She broke her back in three spots and should be dead or paralyzed. She is neither. The night that it happened I remember dreaming of Aaron. I remember trying to stay in the dream because he had something important to tell me. I then woke up to the news of her unfortunate accident. Her boyfriend was driving 70 mph with a blood alcohol level of .21 in a car with no seat belts. The car hit a snowbank, flipped three times and they were ejected from the site. It is a miracle she is not dead. 21 years old. I worked with her for a few years. I have always liked her. It just makes you think about things when something like that happens to someone….
I heard news that the ex has broken up with his girlfriend. Not that I care that much. I saw a picture of him and about gagged. I thought to myself-why? Why did I ever find him attractive? I suppose I just like filthy souls. I suppose he was a challenge to me. A lesson. A lesson that I will never forget. I am grateful for all he taught me despite the pain that I encountered with it. It occurred to me the other day that I was over it. It was a wonderful feeling considering it used to ruin my day. Now he no longer has that power and I couldn’t be happier. I am happy to say that I am free from the aftermath of it all. The narcissist will never know how much I appreciate the lessons he taught me by being less than a whole person. I am the one who came out a winner.
Other than that I am still trying to find purpose. Still trying to figure out how to make life meaningful. Still on the search for something to be passionate about. Still hoping that I will find something to believe in again. I wish I could write letters again. One day. Some day. I am sure it will have to happen. Until then though I will just blog it out between me and random followers who fill a little void being without you. I had high hopes for us you know. I don’t have to give up on them but I certainly am not feeling 100 percent about it. Oh, the humanity…..

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