The Seventh Letter of Madness

I am having a hard time staying awake at my desk so I will write a bit before I attempt any solid work. It was a late night last night. I had company come over and indulged in more alcoholic beverages then morning would have liked me too. As a result I am sleep deprived and without enthusiasm. This is about a typical day for me anyway.  I feel much better than I did last week at this time. No one has died in the last week so that is a bonus.  I went to the bar last night. It used to be Randall’s bar before he decided to put a bullet in his face. Asshole. It is my home away from home. I always feel comfortable there. Also, they have a weekly drawing that is up to about a grand and so every Monday I go. It gives me something to do. Last night there was a grumbling man at the jukebox. He played “Free Bird”. I hate that song. It is way too long so with the advance in human technology I was able to sit at my barstool and pull up Touchtunes. Searched Sage Francis. One song-Clickety Clack. Take that Free Bird man. I love having the power of the jukebox at my fingertips. Not having to actually go to the jukebox and stand next to it. A little anonymity for my song choices.

Talked to my boss again today about moving to Michigan. He thinks it is a horrible idea. I am inclined to believe him. He also is giving me another raise at the end of the year. He says I do a good job here. He also called me talented. I suppose I have a talent for making myself look like I am doing more than I am. Lately I have been so damn depressed I haven’t wanted to do anything. He brings up some good points about moving to the U. P. Most importantly though it is the idea behind my soul’s growth and that is what it comes down to for me. I am sure that the folks and the bro will be disappointed but the last thing I want to do is move from one miserable place to the next. So I was thinking Minnesota. Maybe I will never move and will only just talk about it. My boss seems to think if I stick around long enough I would be running this office. I wonder if I should mention to him that I hate responsibility? I will wait until after the raise. I am pretty damn stoked about that. That makes three dollars in six months. Today is a good day.

I think that this last bout of depression is over. At least the acute part of it. I am regaining my ability to think clearly. It might not be coherent but it’s clear. The notion of writing you now seems ridiculous. As if I should stop while I am ahead.  But there is something inside me that still wishes to pursue the efforts. I don’t want to give up writing my letters. Not just yet. I have not yet found that I desire the connection to be over quite yet. Today my mind is fogged by alcohol’s hangover and so anything I put forth in this letter is just shit it seems. Like, now that depression has lifted I am wordless. Bring back the agony, right? Nah. I don’t need pain to write. I have been stocking up on it for decades. It’s in my head, I don’t need anymore.

My project for today is putting back together my rubicks cube that has been flipped around to a mess of colors. I recall the first time I got a hold of a rubicks. It was party favors for my daughter’s birthday about 8 years ago. It took me over 13 hours to do the one side. By the time I got the second layer I had countless hours into that cube. I was in love with the concept. It reminded me of life. Because once you get to the third layer you have to jumble up everything just to put it back in the right spot. It is frustrating.  You just want to give up. Others are telling you to give up. But you know that if someone else can do it, that so can you. It is not impossible. They even have a manual on how to do it. I have put it back together 2 times. I am still working on memorizing the algorithm. It makes for a great party trick as well as one hell of an inspirational speech. I have one motivational speech about it recorded on a tape recorder. I have a lot of things recorded on tape. I got my first tape recorder when I was 12. I was so damn excited when I received it. I spoke of my love for a classmate named Lance. He hated me. I don’t blame him though, I was an annoying child. I didn’t like myself much either. Regardless, I should screen those tapes before I die so they don’t fall into the wrong hands. God only knows what I babbled into them.

Well, my friend, I must be off. I apologize if this was boring. I am not very exciting today. But at least I am alive. Somewhat happy. Not like manic. Which is somewhat good because I sometimes get really insane ideas. Like hey I’m going to New York. Alone. Not just to New York but to Brooklyn. Do you know how hard it is to get out of Brooklyn with no map and no GPS and no fucking clue as to where you are? Well, I can tell you for me, it took about an hour. One of my most amazing accomplishments in life was making it out of Brooklyn.  Which I don’t know if I ever thanked you for letting me come in the club early that day so I didn’t have to needlessly wander the streets alone. I was depressed that day. My original plan was to just drive and never come back. I so wanted to go to Rhode Island on that tour. Another time I promise. I loved New York. Loved it both times that I went. Both time for  you. Obsessed fans I think not, just dedicated. I laugh. Do you know the first time I went to New York to see you was because I went to the Minnesota show with my brother, and he refused to stay long enough so I could get a picture with you. It pissed me off. So I am like, fuck you, I am going to New York then. And I planned it. And I went. And I had a good time. And I got my mother fucking picture taken with my seven counterpart.  So yeah. That is just an example of the extreme things I do when I want things.  Oh, Life, it really is beautiful isn’t it?

With all my love,

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