The Fifth Letter of Madness

Today I avoided office pleasantries. I tend to have issues when it comes to being nice to shit talkers, otherwise known as office bitches. I also hate being the only one answering phones so today I have made it a point to avoid it. Extended bathroom breaks and long talks with the boss have made my morning delightfully pleasant. I don’t think the one girl cares too much for picking up my slack. I doubt there is even a logical deduction of empathy behind her hinted irritation. Like she would think naturally, “I bet that is how she feels when she is the only one answering the phone.” Yeah. No. Only I think that shit. Only I know what it’s like to be empathetic around here. No, for real. These bitches are not empathetic in the least. I would be much nicer in naming them but they earned the title when they became shit talkers. I suppose they might have born that way. Regardless, I don’t care for shit talkers. Obviously.

My boss doesn’t like the idea of me moving to Michigan. The more he talked about how the economy sucks up there and how one should really like snow it makes me feel that this was just another impulsive idea of mine that would make me hate life for a while. I like the idea of being next to my parents. I like the idea of leaving this area. I like the idea of not working here.  But I hate the cold and I hate winter. So he does have a point when he says that I wouldn’t like to live in a place where there is nothing and nobody. He is a smart guy so I am inclined to believe him. I am like, “Will my soul grow?”. He said no and so I am no longer as excited as I was the other day. To break the news to the family though is what will be hard. Unless I just do it for them. My brother said I was under no obligation to stay. I could buy them a house and then skedaddle.  Like Peace, I’m out guys. Going to the Mountains. That is truly where I see myself. Where I want to be.

I did fall in love with Lake Superior this weekend though. I was like a little kid at Christmas. Like, look guys! Water! Water everywhere! As if I had never seen water before. It was a shitty day. Wind blowing. Temperature 20 without the wind chill. I wore no jacket. I hate jackets. They are too confining. Plus you gotta keep track of them when you go inside a (hopefully) warm place. Regardless, I stood there at the lake and I felt so peaceful. I never wanted the moment to end. I could have watched the waves crash into the beach for hours. In fact, I had to be reminded to leave.  “Your nose is red”. I don’t care. Call me Rudolph-I don’t want to leave this.

So what am I supposed to do now? Give up on the Michigan dream? Of course, my boss is right. No offense towards the yuppers but well, I don’t think they will be much for conversationalists. Not that I like to talk, but let’s say I did. Sometimes I do. I don’t like snow sports or lumberjacking so really with the things that run through my head I would be sure to be named a crazy loon at first talk. I don’t want to let down everyone though. That’s the thing. I will just have to come up with a better idea. There has got to be a better idea out there. I should convince them to move to the twin cities. Minneapolis. We wouldn’t even need cars. I could make like 50 grand a year with my degree. They would have ample job opportunities. We would be closer to my daughter and grandson and my brother.  I actually like that idea a lot better.  We wouldn’t be homeowners and we wouldn’t live next to our parents but we would have better opportunities and make more money. I could sit downtown and people watch. My soul would definitely be able to grow there. That’s what I am most concerned about.  I don’t want to waste my life away where I am now being stagnant. I also want to distance myself from the town. It is not a good one to live in of late. It’s all dark and depressing. I would hazard to say the place where people go to die. It certainly has this depressing energy about it. It’s so damn gloomy. I am sure it is pretty to the travelers but not to the regulars. Just last week we had 14 random acts of vandalism. Car windows were busted and tires slashed throughout the town. Senseless delinquent behavior in a town of about 3500 people. This is why I like to travel. I don’t like it here. My soul is to big for this shit town. I hate to refer to my home town as a shit town but I gotta be honest. It’s a shit town.  With shitty people. I am sure there are some good people in this town. They are just smart and stay hidden because to go outside and consort would make them dumb.

I am feeling less depressed. I still am depressed but I am not actively trying to find excuses to stay alive. This is progress I suppose. Which is good because I don’t want to burden anyone with dark and depressing thoughts. I know the poet needs the pain, but a little down town is always appreciated. Who the hell writes happy shit? I know when I feel content, I don’t write. I can’t write happy shit. It’s not in my nature.

I figured out why we click so well.  Not that we have ever had that coffee date but….we don’t have to as I just know that we click regardless.  This is what I came up with. See I judge everyone based on numbers as in numerology. You are a number 7. I am a number 7. So I get you like I really understand what it is like to be in your skin. Not completely because there are also some differences-but still… this is more accurate than the zodiac.

Speaking of zodiac- you are a Scorpio and I am a Cancer. Again, we click. And if that doesn’t blow your mind we also have Chinese Zodiac compatibility. You are a Dragon and I am a Monkey.  So by year, by month and by day we are connected. That is just fucking amazing if you think about it. It makes me wonder how the hell I found me a seven dragon scorpio man? I think it is pretty cool. You might not see the significance but at least now it makes sense why I feel connected. See, I am not that crazy. I get you. I get you more than most people. All because I was born in the right stars I suppose. I don’t’ really get into the zodiac part as much as the numbers. I think they are more vague. Numbers being more solid of a person’s overall makeup. I am getting better and better on calling out people by numbers too. It’s an odd little thing I do. But just wanted you to be aware that day, month and year connections all wrapped into one is pretty damn rare and pretty damn amazing. My mind is blown.

One day we can discuss it over coffee. Well you can drink the coffee and I will drink cappuccino. Unless there is no cappuccino then I will drink coffee. But just don’t judge me with the excessive sugar and cream. I don’t like bitter things. I used to drink coffee. Maybe I should resume. I have  a Keurig. I even have the cups that go along with it. I just never have time in the morning. I don’t like having any extra time to think about going to work. It’s a weird thing perhaps but it works.

I suppose, it is almost mail time. I can go hack some portals and avoid the phone when traveling the block to the post office. Maybe I might even walk around it. Maybe I might just never come back. Nah, I like my boss. Just not bitches. Not a fan of the bitches. In case I don’t write much this week, Have a Happy Thanksgiving. Last year mine consisted of hanging out with the Narcissist and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches as my daughter didn’t want to share the day with him and so I was like fine we aren’t coming as I stand by my man. Yeah-I am a fucking idiot at times. Stupid. As like what three days later he manhandled me after a funeral cause I smelled like cigarettes. Yeah. That will never happen again. Hindsight is 20/20 and I am happy to just be out of that soul crushing life sucking experience. Jokes on the new girlfriend who likes him for his money. I don’t see how people can see past being an asshole for money. It makes no sense to me. But to each their own. I know no one can like him for his personality as he doesn’t have one. Why was I with him? Yeah- cause I love to love those who obviously can’t love me back. Fitting. I know.

In one week it will be a year. That’s 365 with no contact. I wished I could use all those numbers in a count of feeling wonderful but it doesn’t work that way. Last year at this time life was doomed but so happy am I that I passed that fleeting feeling. It just took a very very very long time….This year I get to eat turkey so that makes me damn happy. I also learned a very important lesson in missing out. Never put an asshole above family. It will be the last asshole I am with. I just don’t care to be involved anymore. I can’t see how anyone can blame me. My mom’s all like well maybe you will have more babies. Yeah-um no-not me mother, not me ever. That aint going to happen. Kitties-yes but babies-no. You would be lucky if I make any new friends in the rest of my life time. I am a loner and there are good reason for it. In the end though, all I need is my pen and paper and I always have a friend. Like besties. I just now happen to mail them instead of keeping them to myself. Toodles!

With all my love,


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