October 16, 2012 For the Narcissist

Of course I have at least ten things going on right now, at this very moment. Now that I have sat down to write, choosing my computer over my journal-perhaps so there is no record. Why is it that we hold so dearly those memories? I feel without my writings I would be lost, and yet, I don’t even have a desire to read them. Maybe I can sell them. Can you imagine selling your life to someone? I can’t. Would I buy someone’s life-of course?

A real life person with real life actual pen ink on paper decades worth of emotions, dreams, heartache, love, romance, anger, hatred, drugs, suicide, death, abandonment, relationships, regret, raw honesty. I don’t know if I could do it. However, if there was a fire and everything became ash it wouldn’t change who I am, there would just be no memory of how I became who I am.

Lost. Still. Still lost. Codependent? Maybe. Sad-yes. Am I a mean person? I wonder if my writings would answer that? I am doing thought blocking where I am changing my thinking when it pertains to a certain subject. Lost. I did it. But did I? Is the end, the end and I am not Cinderella. There is not contentment in this decision.

After the last few weeks, there has been nothing but dislike. A build up, like an alcoholic relationship-it’s okay at first but then suddenly you realize that this isn’t how you want to remember feeling during what could be the last years, days, minutes of your life. At any time, anyone could come through that door and kill me.

What would happen to my journals then? Am I upset because I want it not to end as much as I want it to end? It’s hard. Change. Will there still be a connection?

Will life go on without me, or will there be a dying hope that I will return and things will be just like old times. Can things be like old times?

Tears I block from falling on camera, afraid to be seen so weak and vulnerable.

Could time pass and life resume on a different element? Is it possible?

When something goes wrong-can ever you right it?

Dealing with relationships has never been my strong point. I don’t think this is all me though. Weeks ago something was lost in conversation. A growing dissent amongst two who wanted nothing more than there to be love and amnesty.

Was love ever there? Was it forced upon them who needed it the most yet could never properly receive it? Do the good times make up for the bad times?

Is there desire to salvage it and start fresh? How can one just forget and forgive so quickly? Must there be time? A separation to reflect?

Will ever one listen is there are no ears? Won’t everything be the same although with time everything is different? Answers might never be answered.

A commitment might have been broken. Is that foolish? Was there good reason?

Or is this a storm just passing by. Can I still cover the next storm if I am not there this one?

If I don’t honor the commitment am I yet again, a liar of love. Am I that horrible of a person? I can’t balance everything all at once. I don’t know how to find peace when there is no peace made. Memories randomly intrude my mind; however, I must block them. I must shield away.

It was my hurtful words this time. I severed ties part way, and it finished without attempt to piece together the wreckage. Is this it? Is it all gone? Is there no chance to return? Will ever it be back? Is it the circumstances? Is there less time and more demand? Will it be repaired this time, or did the commitment die with love? Did we quit on each other?

Does tomorrow begin today, and the wounds fade in the days after the days of days passed?

Is it broken? Beyond repair?

Is this the truth of the two of us, the never lasting when we pled everlasting?

Does commitment mean anything if it is not sealed and certified in a book, yet is pronounced by two people who claim the other as family and will not dessert them through thick and thin and life and death?

Did we forget the commitment we made, without binding authority other than to ourselves? Does that make it any less of a commitment?

I keep that vow despite its lack of public record.

Is this the end of all that defined the two of us?

Did you fail on your side of it? Did we both fail? Are we liars of love together?

Can this be salvaged, or do we even care to try?

Something has to change and I must know if it’s worth it?

What good is a commitment if you can’t follow through? I can only make promises I know cab be fulfilled- only because it is not a promise if it’s not.

Where do we go from here?

To different lives. Lives we start all over again, picking up pieces here and there and memories. Do we pack it away in a drawer, only to be taken out in a self-reflection time?

There is no rewind button other than to review, to act in the present and make changes for the future.

Do we no longer have a future?

Do we want to have a future?

Can we have a future?

What is it that we are not able to find each other?

Have we lost all that we are because we no longer are committed to loving each other even in the event we find ourselves in miserable situations?

If you cannot forgive your loved ones, who is there worthy to forgive?

When, where, how, why did it come to this?

It has not even been a day and already there is a remorse building. I wonder of your own thoughts.

It is not my intent to hurt you. It is not my intent to give up on you. I can’t. I made that commitment. And I will honor it regardless as long as you honor it as well. Without paper and only with hearts do we know if there is true commitment or just a glorified party to announce a commitment?

Are we committed? Are we not? Is this the end? Did we divorce?

We shall give it time. Time will straighten this out. It will either lead us back to each other or further away. Whoever makes the first step values the commitment our hearts made. And if by chance we find our hearts have shriveled away, does the commitment made become void?

Commitment. Love. Intimacy.

Tetris. Drives. Walks. Bugs. River. Dinners. Dog. Smells. Tastes.

I don’t want to really live without you and yet I cannot understand how I can live with you? I don’t want to lose you, I don’t want to cry and I don’t want to forget what brought us to this point.

Either we survive or we die.

Is this the end?

 

 

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