August 7, 2014 12:06 AM
Why am I not the least bit surprise that all my complaints from the last few years would be the same complaint as to now? Truth is that I am angry for allowing this to continue on and on for so long. What have I gained but knowledge? That I suppose is enough. Yesterday I was told, “You have to ask yourself how long do you want to spend investing in this relationship?” It was like a bell went off. Sad how I have begged for love for the last couple years from a man who doesn’t have the capacity to love. This is what I have to understand and accept. He doesn’t have it in him. As much as I have devoted to this I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is incapable of intimacy. He is selfish. Reaffirmed by others who know him. Reaffirmed by how he is in general. What I believed was love once is now just a past memory. I can not waste anymore time on someone who has no ability to change. In his narcissistic world he strives for perfection but falls so far short that either he is aware or is so blinded by the desire to be so that he considers he is. Truly there is no helping a man who doesn’t even know he needs help. Let it be someone else’s problem. I have done my best. I can’t consider this a failure because there was never a chance for success. His pattern proves the point. He is nothing more than an energy vampire. Draining the life from others by promising of better days but never fulfilling. He is a hypocrite. A man who projects his own misery upon others. One who is not secure in his own mind. From knowing his history I can’t blame him for hating himself. And how can one believe they are capable of love when they hate themselves. He can’t even effectively communicate like an adult. He lacks listening skills. Lacks empathy. He is more concerned about himself, first and foremost. There is no arguing with him for when faced with confrontation he hides. He blocks and ignores. The control must be his. He can not admit that he is wrong. He needs to have backups of everything to feel secure. He is addicted to online shopping perhaps to know that there is something new waiting for him and that whatever he wants he gets. Everything except love. He has no desire to be loved. To be with him means you are expendable. He could care less if you are upset with how he behaviors because in the end it’s your behavior that he will focus on. He will tear you down and never apologize. He is dysfunction at its finest but has deluded himself into believing that he lives a life of function. His memory doesn’t serve him well and causes problems with communications. It is never his fault though. I give myself credit for staying strong and committed however, there comes a time where it is stupid to not admit defeat and move on. Anymore energy and time spent on him is just wasted time. There is nothing here for me but pain. He is not part of any solution as sadly he is the problem.
AUGUST 16, 2014 · 10:14 PM | EDIT
We buried my dad’s mother today. It’s time like these that make you reflect on your own life as well as the lives around you. I feel all out of words. Perhaps I am pushing for it.
I don’t feel as alone as I used to by myself. It’s rather pleasant. But with this the dream of love died. Not forever. Perhaps there will come a time I am healed and ready to try again. But I think this one is going to take a bit to heal from. I feel so wronged by it and yet at the same time I feel so responsible for it’s failure. It’s rather silly to think that though. How can you maintain a relationship with a man who isn’t committed to begin with?
I have so many reasons to hate him but still I want to love him. Is it because I feel guilty? Knowing he is impossible to break makes me feel responsible to fulfill the job. A sense of obligation because I, unlike him, was committed. Seeing the facts and knowing the elements makes it impossible to judge any differently. I suppose it’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to be hurt. Feel rejected. I always feel though that the last time isn’t the last time. But I don’t want to go back taking the chance there is a next time. It’s toxic. Unhealthy.
I have never found myself in such a similar situation before. It makes it hard to know how to cope. Being borderline makes the abandonment that much more disturbing. I loved that guy. He treated me like shit and I loved him. He was immature, a child in many ways. I figured it out the other day that he projects his own qualities onto me and hates me because of it. I know this. He calls me selfish and inconsiderate. I know I can be however these are not defining personality traits of mine. I know it is for the best. If he is the way he is then this is the way it has to be. I do miss him. I do love him.
I have mixed feelings on the emails I sent. They were honest and blunt. The truth sometimes can set us free though. Maybe he was not aware of all he played a part in. Maybe he doesn’t care. I want to believe he does but his actions speak otherwise. I seem like a desperate clingy chick never wanting to break up. Well, not this time. This time, I gotta give it to him. He’s gotta stay away if he is going to be a jerk. I can’t have him in my life treating me like shit. I was always willing to improve upon our issues-or rather his issues with me. I made many changes to adjust to his demands. I suppose I was probably broken up many times with to correct my wrong behavior. That isn’t in my general nature to be so submissive I lose sight of my higher purpose. Which is to love. So fuck him if he thinks otherwise, he is wrong.
I informed him of this blog which proved to be yet another example of irrational thoughts. I understand he doesn’t want things on the internet. I get it. We struggled with this a few times. I no longer write publicly about our relationship. I have had this blog since 2012 and it is buried deep in the web. It is not linked to anything. No one has this link that knows me. Private blog on the internet. Is it really a big deal? According to him I cheated on him and betrayed him. He’s taken it completely out of context. I think. I can’t really see his point.
Going into the relationship he knew I was a writer. I have massive journals and papers. To believe I wouldn’t document this time in my life is ridiculous. I am a writer. That is what I do. Whether it’s in my carry along moleskin or a napkin at a bar-I write. That is my escape. My release. My comfort. My best friend. I have every free right in the world to write. My intent is to express myself and maybe share some wisdom too. I fear the things I already have written down. I know that I go to my writings to self reflect or to find patterns of behavior. Or if I need to remember something. It is my life’s legacy.
Just another reminder how he isn’t that great of a guy. I am in the love with the guy I wished he was. I am sure he has the potential but he probably finds himself content with his life. I certainly didn’t find it too contentful but made the best of it. I hated that the only thing to do was watch TV no wonder I gained ten pounds in the first few months of our relationship.
Why am I so connected? Why do I think he cares? This is a delusion. I know. I am sure a stranger would agree with me that the history shows he doesn’t. It’s like the grinch. A heart so small. Fuck. It sucks. But I am better off without his drama. I don’t know how many times we argued over something that if he had just listened in the first place it would have worked out. Or telling him that if he said something differently that it would be better. I certainly didn’t turn a car around when he was trying to find a place to eat on his phone. Yeah that was a favorite breakup moment. The not turning the oven on was priceless. Joining the gym. Never did I lie or cheat. I didn’t ever do anything so horribly wrong that it would justify a break up. At least, I don’t think so. I don’t claim I am easy to love, I just know I am hard to understand. I suppose maybe that was his downfall. Failure to understand my intricacies.
I would be kidding myself if I believed I was an ordinary normal folk. Fact is that there are people who exist that defy logic. I know I am in that class of people. This thought almost gives me some kind of relief. Like it’s not just all him. In other breakups there’s a point where I can say I knew it was over or pinpoint the reason why. Here in this all I can say is he is a narcissist. And that really saddens me. I know I am not without personality flaws. We just clashed I suppose. But the thing that gets me is I did change things and I did do my best to make it work. I was committed. That’s what burns me. What has he to say? It’s rather just upsetting. Torn between logic and my own self delusion. Wanting to reach out and apologize. But apologize for what? I hate this shit he does to me. It’s the end and I should embrace it. He let me go. Off the hook.
If only he wasn’t ingrained into my life. I wished he wasn’t such a jerk. I have accepted the end but have yet to accept a reason.
AUGUST 17, 2014 · 1:51 AM | EDIT
Reflecting outside. Children playing. Birds singing. Feeling content with life. The funeral of my grandmother sets a tone for the end of the narcissist reign. Today I leave behind the person whom once I loved. It’s a part of life and I am strong. I am happy to embrace new beginnings. I am excited to meet new people and have new opportunities. I enjoy my freedom. As much as it pains me to move on the sooner I accept it the sooner I can move forward. I am for sure a move forward kind of person. It will be different but it is for the best. I haven’t found myself too bored without the narcissist. I have joined a group that that meets weekly. Basically all guys. I find it amusing though. I just jumped right in. The owner has a British accent and a for month old baby. The people who attend are very nice and helpful. I enjoy it very much and find it gives me something to look forward to. It’s a magic card gathering which I don’t usually play games but this one challenges my brain. And there’s much to learn. I say I am in the school of magic. One guy has expressed interest however that’s not going to happen. I am not over my last one and when I am single I remember clearly enjoying it immensely. Besides he is a brothers friend which I don’t think is a good idea. Nope. And he is not my prize package. I won’t even receive my prize package until I am ready. I doubt it though. I don’t think I want the responsibility. I know not all relationships are like the last one. I like being available to more people than just one. I think the last one might have just been so traumatic it ruined me. Or it is the guiding force to find me that prized package. it sucks when they suddenly become their personality disorder months later. I love sitting outside. We never did that. We sat in darkness. No wonder the depression, right?! I am not lying when I say I am relieved. I am. To not have to do any more breakups. To not have to feel invalidated. I know in the end I hated him even if I try to pretend otherwise. I honestly can’t believe I subjected myself to that. My cat loves it that I’m home more. And I love that too. Oh, life is good.
AUGUST 17, 2014 · 2:50 PM | EDIT
Last night I had this new realization where I found myself content. No longer am I trapped in the shadows. I feel empowered. I feel excited. I know that life has made a dramatic leap of change. Whereas every other seven thousand time he left me I desperately clung to hope of reconciliation, this time I don’t. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to be around him. I think what drives it home is knowing what he is. I’ve read articles and blogs by the hundreds and have yet to find anything conflicting of narcissism. With this knowledge I can move on knowing it’s a lost cause. And I don’t care to waste my time on something or someone that will never change. I feel sad for him but not enough to waste anymore time of my life on it. It’s been a great learning experience though. I am grateful to feel so good about this new phase in life. Whereas before he broke me to suicide attempts today he has no hold on me. I almost feel disgust. To have been treated so low. I must admit I put up with it but there is no excuse. I am embarrassed I was with such a jerk. It’s finally came to that point where I see him for the monster he is. I am grateful to get my life back and love back around me. The last three and a half years he drained me of my goodness. I think I missed him many times before so this time I am thankful to be rid of his poison.
AUGUST 18, 2014 · 3:36 AM | EDIT
I am content for all purposes. I have no complaints. The only complaint I ever had the last few years was about him. Now that he is gone things are better than ever. I would like to lose some weight to feel even better. I can finally join the gym again without the risk of breakup. I enjoyed it a lot when I went before. I have been doing the opposite of self destruction since this final breakup. I’m asked if I heard anything from the N and I reply no and I’m glad. It’s hard to know the right way to explain to people why it’s over. I think the best answer is the truth. He was a narcissist who had no capacity to love and be loved who treated me like shit. I see nothing wrong with that statement. I mean when I left the alcoholic that was the reason. I shouldn’t have to sugarcoat it. It is embarrassing though to admit I stayed with someone so inhumane for so long. I was the battered wife without being battered. I am just super happy to feel free from the clutches of his darkness. Each day I get stronger. I think of him less and less. I figure I never ran into him before our relationship so I shouldn’t run into him now. And if it happens I have no problem being friendly because I refuse to let anyone dictate my actions. He is the one who has issues. I am grateful that my research has gave me answers. I know now that this is something concrete and real. That it’s not just me. It’s such a relief. To read others stories sounding so similar further convinces me of his diagnosis. Its hard leaving the narcissist but it is possible. I know I got this. I don’t want to be friends. I don’t want any contact with him. To me he is dead and I’m happy about it. This burden has been relieved. I am on to better things. Surrounding myself with people who are human. It’s amazing I allowed myself to get lost with a soulless person. I wish him the best regardless. I will never be like him. I look forward to the day I can leave it in the past and not write about it. I also look forward to one day finding a real man who has just as much love in his heart as I do mine. I’m going to take my time though. I have career ambitions. I don’t want to pass up opportunities though. If my intern doesn’t work into a job I’ll be moving out of the area. Possibly out of state. I have nothing and noone to hold me down which makes me happy as well. This is the time of me. Hooray for my breakup!
AUGUST 19, 2014 · 4:13 PM |
My dreams they mock me leaving me sad and angry. Wanting desperately to put this pain aside. Wanting to reach out to someone dead to me and My vulnerabilities on the line. How can one day be so full of joy only to have the next day full of grief. I hate this more than I’ve hated anything. I know it is best to stay mute but emotions get the best of me. Struggling to remain sane but lacking the strength. I hate this inner war I battle with. I know it doesn’t matter. Life is over as I know it but there is hope on the horizon for better days without. I find myself weak. I hate it.