An Unsent Letter of Madness

I feel flat this morning. Flat as in my mind is unable to produce the words to write. Did I lose it all last night? My dreams were spent uncovering hidden passageways to dangers underground. Had the sleep police not have woken me; I might have been able to figure out what was inside the secret tunnels. As is though it is faded from the brain and is gone now. Desmond has this habit of waking me up in the early morning hours. He nibbles at my face and no amount of turning or hiding dissuades him. He is very distracting and very annoying. I ask him to stop but he doesn’t listen. He is a funny cat. Perhaps my favorite one to date.

I am already looking forward to not working tomorrow. I haven’t even been here for two hours and am irritated by my one attorney who likes to give me incomplete work assignments so I look like a dumb ass. I hate that. Or tells me to do things which are a complete waste of time so we can bill it out. I am not sure where his ethics come from and don’t really care; but I don’t like to waste my time doing something that is completely pointless and useless. It reminds me I need a new job, a new life, a new me.  I feel guilty that my boss wants to give me a raise. My heart is no longer in this. I don’t like the office mates and of late, I don’t like the job. It does get better-this I know.

I am anxious for time to past to see my growth. Trust me. There will be growth here. I am not laying this all out there just so in the end we can say it was wasted time. No. This shit is going to mean something someday. I haven’t figured out what yet, but it will. I may have many lacking qualities as a human but determination isn’t one of them. I am determined to dream big and that I will.

Or maybe not. Life is useless. I hate it. I don’t think I care anymore to keep fighting. I just want to be faded from existence. I know I will never be anything more than I am now. And right now I am nothing. I can’t stand the goddam phone. I hate my job. I hate my life. I just don’t want to experience another day.  There is nothing I can do but die to get out of waking up tomorrow morning and having to repeat the same horrid experience. I dread it and it hasn’t even reached this afternoon yet. I despise it all. I wonder if ever this cloud of darkness will lift. I know it won’t.  I suppose I could get a life insurance policy and wait two years. I suppose that will keep me alive. Then everyone can be fucking happy that I am alive. That just pisses me off today. I am living just to make others happy so they do not have to grieve over me. I suppose you can call me a nice guy. Otherwise I really don’t think I could just die without making sure that there is money to pay my funeral expenses. I really don’t like the idea of anyone having to pay my way even in death. This is just fucking goddamn wonderful. I am not crazy. I am fucking depressed. Am I danger to myself? Probably. Daily. Hourly. By the minute. Life insurance is too goddamn expensive. I know this will pass. It always passes. It always returns though. It never leaves me. It follows me around like a fucking rain cloud. I honestly am at my wit’s end. What the fuck am I supposed to do? What is so depressing? Life. It’s just a struggle. I don’t feel right in my skin. I don’t care about love. I don’t care about money. I don’t care about the little things. It’s basically that I just don’t like waking up and living a typical day in my body. Isn’t that enough? Did I ever enjoy life? Probably not. I think I was here last year in these same thoughts. Oh wait, I have been here since age 9, if not before. But I can’t die. God or Allah or whoever the fuck is calling the shots-no, they won’t let it happen. Maybe it’s not too late. This is ridiculous. I am looking up recipes for death. Seriously I am not right in my head. This letter must not get sent. I can do that, right? I don’t have to send every letter I write, do I? I don’t even have to write these letters. It’s not like they mean anything. Maybe this will be my last letter ever as I fantasize about death. Maybe tonight is the night. Maybe tonight will be the last night I find myself alive. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? For me, that is. Probably no one else. No. Other people will be upset. Call me selfish. Wishing they could have done something. But there is nothing to be done. Nothing that could have saved me from myself. Not even if I didn’t have to answer the phone. Not even if I didn’t have to go to work the next day. No. Nothing can save me. In the end, I still have to live with myself. And that is the last goddamn thing I want to do-live. I don’t even feel bad about it. I don’t. I can’t. I don’t want to. I feel bad that I will not be around for the slivers of happiness. I feel bad for the tears cried for me. I am sure that yeah to others I am such a great person and I mean so much to them. I will not deny that. But to me, to me I am shit. To me, I am nothing. To me, I am fucking struggling to keep a float and I am sick of doing it.

I’m fucking depressed. I want to die. I suppose this would be what we wanted to hear from those who are no longer with us. Well, I am here. For now. I am safe in the comfort of my office job so no worries about any immediate danger. I just feel the need to share with everyone that I am so fucking depressed that I might not be able to make it much longer and for that I apologize. Don’t get me wrong. I love all of you people. You are all very good people to know and to love. But I am fucking depressed and there is nothing that can change that. Not your love, not your support, not money, not fame not anything. It’s just something that I wear like skin. It’s just something that stays like a birthmark. I always try to make sure that I keep myself in check when I feel this way. Let it be known so maybe it won’t be real. So maybe it will keep me alive. Keep me alive so everyone can be happy. I don’t want your tears for a day or your nightmares to come for years. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I am hurt and am sick of living to appease everyone so they don’t have to grieve. Buck up. Life is about grieving. I am sorry. I hope you understand, I am just so fucking depressed. I know what to do but its what no one wants me to do. So here I am, stuck between life and death. Meerly I am just hanging by the thread. Let us hope that this passes as the last 25 years have without a goodbye. I know, I know I have this to live for and that to live for and what about this and that and oh yeah that too. Trust me, I know. I don’t want to leave but I don’t know if I can stay. Let me begin again with Day One. Well, it’s still too early to call it a day. Baby steps. I will conquer this demon either by life or by death. One way or the other. Personally, I prefer to live. Regardless, I am safe. So don’t freak out about my feelings. I just figured I would share in case anyone else is depressed. Maybe we can be life buddies. I won’t do it if you don’t do it. I am 0-1 on that. Fucking damn depression. If only life were so simple as to simply survive it. Enough about me. Keep scrolling.

It was a rough morning and an even rougher lunch. Someone came down to where I was having lunch. Told me that I needed to hang in there. That I inspired them. That they were going to do the deed themselves but changed their mind. After tears were spilled and hearts were lifted, I feel a little bit better about staying in this game. Just when I was googling  ways to do it I find myself being uplifted by the love of others. It might just have saved my life today. I don’t know. I can’t be certain. It’s a battle.

 

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