2012 Journal Writings

Feb 28, 2012

Moleskin Journal

i usually write in my moleskin journal. I have carried one around since I was 22. In fact I have even went one step further and added one to just record other things that aren’t a day to day journal entry. Such as quotes or things to look up at a later date. While the normal girl can just carry a purse, I carry a backpack. I don’t want to ever forget anything when I leave my house for any length of time. I think it takes me longer to pack or make sure I have everything rather than the actual going to designated place. I know if my OCD. I know very well of it. In fact if I didn’t have to hop forty times to change it, i would be moving my kitchen faucet to be straight, instead of to one side.

I started this blog in an attempt to stay off facebook, remain completely anonymous from those I know or think they know me. For an unbiased writing that is not meant to offend anyone. I hope I am successful in these goals. (Forget faucet). I feel that spilling my mind on paper is better than banging my head on the wall. Thank god they did something with my medication. Or thank god I went back on the mood stabilizer. Or maybe it was just the job. The pressure of my job made me depressed and suicidal. I believe rightfully I should get unemployment, however, I will leave that up to fate.

It’s only been a week and I am sick of being laid up with one foot. I could do so much with my writing but then I think that it is useless, or I don’t know where to begin. They are all excuses of course. I should and am capable of achieving greatness, but at the same time I don’t. Am I that lazy?

A New Foot

a secret place you’ll never know that I belong in obscurity. at home, matching the smurfs, just ate two cinnamon muffins, foot laid up, I can’t do much. unemployment might not save my piece of mind. I hope there are a hundred smurfs, i forgot from child hood days. waiting for my foot to heal. Today has been a good day for it. Wiggling my toes, doing foot exercises. my mom came over today, with flowers and a card. made me supper and did my laundry. Swept my floor and did my dishes. got me muffins that were assorted so i got my two cinnamon muffins that i love and two Kit Kat bars. I used to like them as a child except for when one year she was working at a gas station and bought me an entire case. After that they just didn’t taste the same. Did she come because she cares or perhaps because i mentioned that a mom should come visit her kid after major foot surgery. did i guilt her into it or did she do it because she wanted to. Undecided, but i think deep inside i know. My bunion was severe and the pinky one was just to avoid issues later. I have an entire different foot, it’s alien to me now. I can’t wait to get the other one doe so i can have matching feet. And roller blade, etc. Ha, unemployment, send happy thoughts their way, even though I don’t know if I far welled with my interview I was confused on some questions. Regardless, i have my lease paid up so I worry little. Job or no job, money finds me because I am grateful for it’s abundance.

 

March 13, 2012 Nice

Another wonderful day outside as well as another day that I must not do anything with two feet. I am glad the swelling has gone down, I have worked hard on it. The sooner the recovery the sooner I can get back on the treadmill. And Rollerblade and have a somewhat normal existence. Nothing really new has happened. I readjusted my meds and just as I suspected the seroquel should be at just a 100 for me to get up in the morning and stay awake.

 

March 14, 2012

As if i don’t already have abandonment issues already, I’m very sick and tired of being threatened the way i am. I chose this reality. Chose a man like my father. I wish to run wild and free, selfishly or not, just take it as it comes. Not live by a plan. Of course the problem is me. Its lack of consideration i am told. I awake unable to return to slumber and so i get up for a friendly game of scrabble. Then I’m asked if i want to leave.

12:50amFallen Friends Promotes Road Trip

It has been almost five years since he was buried and today was the day that his tomb stone was put up. I was excited. I used to visit him more often than the last year. I had to go see it, I was compelled to. As I drove I listened to the Sage Francis, something I think he would have liked had he lived long enough to listen to it. It wasn’t far from where I lived, twelve miles or so. I passed his mom on my way. How awkward it would have been to have met her at the grave stone. I got there and as always the plot shinned. The actually stone included a picture of him with his arms wide in the air in shape of a V and there was a caption that said, “I am free”. There was so much love there in the objects left. It didn’t even look cluttered in all the things I have left or others have. Today I left a skateboard and an astrological rock that his ex had wanted me to leave him. I took a picture of me with the tombstone as if it were him. Technologically speaking, it was an expression of him, he was just six feet under in ashes. I had to leave him briefly to go visit another friend who also was buried there and also didn’t make thirty. In face it was four months that had passed between their deaths. I cleaned up the site a bit as the leaves and pine needles didn’t give it an aesthetic feel as had the other. I could still see the outline of the five year old burial, he was so short. I really didn’t want to leave either of their sites, but I found that I had to go no matter how serene it was. No matter how relaxing. Perhaps I was afraid I would be caught, as if it mattered much, more than likely I would know the person. However, I just didn’t have much to say. I drove to another cemetery looking for more fallen friends who never made it to thirty whose lives were taking from drugs. Yet, I came up empty handed and found myself coming home to reflect.

12:59amDouble My Double Dose

Tomorrow I think that I am going back to the cemetery, first though I have a little research to do. This includes finding the plots of those friends who I feel compelled to go check out the their grave site. Who knows maybe I can do a feature on all the dead friends I have. People handle grief differently and it’s hard to know what is appropriate. I recently experienced the loss of a historical building that unconfirmed was arson from the owner. regardless my grief from that comes out in snide jokes and black humor. I think it is the only thing that keeps my mind focused and tears from rolling. I decided today that I had to find something to keep me occupied. Like a goal to finish. I just go the book “The Bipolar Workbook” Which I have every intention of using and working with. I have no choice. I don’t want to find myself dead. I don’t have life insurance as this point in life I have very little to get me a fancy nice stone like my friend. However, if it was me, would I be so loved to have such a stone so beautiful. Regardless of all that, I need to control my ups and downs. Identify those triggers. Which one is for sure my family. I was at my mother’s for an hour or so and it possibly was within being near the mailbox I felt the dread upon me. The sickness. It made me want to take more clonopin. I suppose next time, I might have to take double my double dose.

11:36Am

Blocked by my own boyfriend on facebook. its okay i think its time to just forget about it and move on. Accept the fact i cant do it right. Love is not for me. I wonder how a person should feel about it. A normal reaction. Anger, hurt, betrayed. I dont know. I just figure its break up time. Isn’t that what it means? I block people who annoy me or threaten to kill me. Not my boyfriend.

March 19, 2012 553pm

I’m very sad and I dont even want to leave the house. I have a dr appointment at two and have to get keisha’s tongue pierced. I dont think I deserve this treatment. I don’t. I don’t think I do. I’m sobbing right now. I don’t know why these people have to be so mean. I wasn’t mean. I just freed the guy. And then him and my brother have to be mean. That’s not even cool. I fucking went from being okay to hating them. I don’t want to leave my house. Im moving. I can’t deal with this shit.

March 20, 2012

How it is now

Recently I have had a bout of depression strike me, more so the mania. I have went back to counseling, I went back to medication. I have limited my alcohol usage and don’t do recreational drugs. I am thirty one years old and I found that I had to do this for me. It’s interesting to note that why I am doing all this, I am considered crazy by those who are supposed to love me the most, mainly my family who have turned their backs on me without any fault of my own.

Because I take medication I am an easy target for hurtful banter of how “fucked” in the head I am. As if Genetics and Environment didn’t have anything to do with it. I am the one that these people have used to possibly try and forgot their own neuroticism. I have dealt with relationships that have been just as toxic and unhealthy. Reminding me that I am different, instead of being welcomed to society I am chastised because I admit that I do have a mood disorder. And I am taking the necessary precautions so I don’t kill myself, as sometimes it gets that low. However, those who are supposed to care have pushed me to the point that it seems the best alternative rather than have to figure out what I did so horrible to constitute being ridiculed and bad mouthed on my own child’s page.

Am what I am so rotten and embarrassing that I can not be loved anymore for who I am or a vision of who I am. Am I not doing everything I possibly can to keep myself alive even if it is the hardest thing for me to do is to wake up each morning? Why then I must ask are these people attacking me as if I were lint in a pocket or shit on a shoe? Why are my feelings so easily dismissed? Why is it okay for others to see my weakness and to use it to their advantage to make themselves feel better about themselves because if I am the crazy one, they are rest assured they are not?

Without me in their lives must be worth their efforts to hurt me and in a way betray me. It’s hard to be a “big girl” when all you though you knew as love has been ripped away from you without meaning, with only the purpose to hurt. I am told I post personal things on facebook, where as I maybe I do. Is it not okay for me to be me? Yet how can I be judge on that merit when others have blocked me only to talk about me in the meanest way possible? If I were what, normal, my family would like me, as if they are any more or less normal than I am. Up until now, I do not believe I have intentionally posted about any of them specifically to warrant such behavior from those who have intentionally posted about me.

Why the hypocrisy? Do I not have feelings because I am “Crazy”? Are my feelings devalued because I take medication? Am I not a real person because I have a mood disorder? Aren’t I doing all that I can to maintain myself and my life? Who is so mighty that can tell me that I am not a person like anyone else where my feelings and ideas and actions don’t count? Am I no better or worse than those who can wake up and enjoy the sunshine? Am I without family because they are the ones with the issues, as I am the one who am dealing with my issues as they are just bullying me to forget about their own fucked up world?

I never told anyone I was perfect, I never even pretended to be that way. I am what I am and I don’t pretend otherwise. I do not gossip and I do not shit talk. Anything that I say I will say again because I don’t play those games. I value honesty above most anything else. Isn’t honesty about being true to yourself and being true to others? I know there is hurt when one is blocked or one is broken, but isn’t there a code where you have to stop yourself from hurting someone so bad that it’s worse than a thousand needles in the eyes?

Why must I be this way when those who have bullied me have only sat on their mighty throne of lies and pretended that I was special or pretended I was worth something of value? How can I be valued when I can’t be myself? How can I be the crazy one when I am not the one sitting on that throne, pointing fingers and saying you are no one I want to know, you are an idiot, a coward and if I wasn’t your brother I wouldn’t know you, leave me alone and never talk to me again? When there was nothing I can recall doing to warrant such behavior. Shouldn’t that guy be on meds? Shouldn’t he be the one who doesn’t want to live another day because he is mean?

I ask myself if I am mean, and I know I am not. I may not be rational and I may not think clearly at times but at least I don’t intentionally hurt those who I care about. I may do dumb things, act impulsively and be inconsiderate yet in no way is my intent to hurt anyone. So goodbye to those who have hurt me. Who have pushed me. Who has used my mood disorder, that I am open about and willing to admit the problem, to hurt me. It’s like making fun of a cancer patient. I only have so much control and I shouldn’t be made into a monster because of the “cancer”.

I shouldn’t be outcasted because of it. I should be supported, I should be loved. I should be understood. I should be a lot of things, but in the end I am still me. Neurotic, I admit willingly, but I do my best to keep it under control. How dare anyone make fun of a down syndrome child, I feel that it’s similar in the aspect that I didn’t chose to be this way. It wasn’t something I planned to be. It isn’t something I can just throw my hands up in the air and be free from. I honestly have mental issues.

When I need help, who are you to offer it only to use it against me. Who are you to be so high and mighty to take my disease and give me a noose when the person I’m staring at is hardly sane themselves? You don’t want me to die and yet you don’t want me to live. You make it impossible for me to manage my life which takes possible more work than the average person. You hurt me. You killed a piece of my heart and my soul. And why? Why, because of my “cancer”? Because I am not like you and don’t have the same thoughts and feelings as you? Because I am not putting on a facade and pretending that I am normal?

If you want me broken, I am broken already. If you want me to leave, I am already gone. It is time to rebuild and face the facts, the cold hard truth that I am without family, without love. It is me who must comfort me. It is me who must nurture me. It’s not fair to be picked on and it’s not funny to be laughed at for being different. I will not give my life up for anyone. Although tempting to make you always remember you drove me to that cliff, I will not do it, I will not go there. I can’t. I can’t hurt those who really care by pleasing those who don’t.

221pmNo family of Mine.

My phone was thrown at the wall with such force that it shattered. I guess I don’t mind. It’s easier to be without technology sometimes I believe. Although then there is all those appointments you have to make and all those other things that you have to deal with. However, a long time ago you never used to have to worry about a phone.

So my relationship is about shot. I gave an opportunity to get back together. Leave my brother. I didn’t think it was too much to ask. Considering all the mean and nasty things he said about me and too me. However, I lost. So I guess that’s nothing new. Losing against the Golden Child. The Prodigal Son. The excuse is he is family. Even though he made it perfectly clear he was not. So I do not understand. “give up my best friend”. Well yeah if that friend is treating the one you supposedly love like shit, I would think it would be a given. If I had a friend who was mean to my boyfriend, yeah, I am pretty sure that my love would take precedence. But those are the choices we make. I made him a picture so he could put him by his bedside to replace our picture since he means so much to him. I figure that it’s not spite because one should have a copy of their bestest buddy.

I’ll have to drop that off soon when I make my rounds in town. I guess I have to get another phone. I have doctor appointments and other things that need to be dealt with. Damn it, slave to technology. Fuck. And verizon refuses to take my credit card number so I can’t order a phone online and I cant call them. Grrrr…….

I deactivated my facebook accounts. I don’t need them. They just cause me grief and triggers me into sadness. I just cant handle the blocking and unblocking and the defriending and the refriending. It is a social nightmare for sure. I have a blog and a twitter account so really what else do I need. I certainly don’t need 440 people who don’t know me knowing about my life. I have used it selfishly to promote my own interests such as expressing my feelings. However, that doesn’t work well when you have people yelling at you about it. Can’t make the miserable happy I guess.

Oh what to do today. Meds-check. Gift-check. Glasses-uncheck. phone-uncheck. and I think the jets are making hte weather rain today. I have an umbrella but I am not afraid of the rain. The more I think about my phone the more I care less and less. I want a new one with a new number. I think it is really over between the boyfriend and I. I suppose it’s best to not have a phone for the transition time. No texts, no calls. It will certainly help. And I must keep busy.

What pains me is that last night my one brother who I am still speaking to asked me why I couldn’t just get along with the others. ME? ME? Really? I am not the one who made comments about my “cancer”. I am not the one who name called and who said never talk to me again. If you weren’t my sister I wouldn’t even know you. Blah blah blah. I didnt say anyone was fucked in the head. I didn’t call anyone a coward or an idiot. That wasn’t me, but I am supposed to get along. How does that work? Really? Should I apologize? To what for? For being me and doing nothing? I am sure I didn’t warrant the abuse. I didn’t warrant the verbal abuse. I didn’t ask for it.

But hey, lets chose the verbal abusive asshole over the girlfriend. I guess friendship is more important than love. I’ll have to remember that if ever I am faced with another person who wishes to pursue me. I have to explain that there is no room for me and a jerk face. Oh, release me from my anger, lord, save me from myself.

Not that I believe in Jesus Christ or his god. However, I know that there is something that makes the world tick and I believe that when you ask for something, it will be received. I pray for the strength to carry on. Affirmations. I am strong. I am healthy. I am wealthy. I am young. I am smart. I am good enough.

I need a hiding place. Or a place that is just mine. Somewhere I can go without being distracted by all this shit in life. Certainly I do not deserve such treatment. I am hurt and I feel abandoned. I know I broke up with him, but his hurt must have fled him when I tried to reconcile with the condition of him giving up my verbal abuser. That was too much to ask. Essentially then I believe he is saying it is okay. I wonder how many times a day they talk shit about me. I don’t have to worry about that. I don’t I am better than that. I don’t have to care. It’s not my life. I am surrounded by loving caring people. I am surrounded by people who love me, respect me and accept me for who I am.

If I want to travel, I should have that right. If I want to go see a concert, I should have that right. I do not need to be controlled. I do not need negative people in my life to bring me down. I don’t. No siree. I am wise. I am best off to be alone. It’s perhaps the only happiness I can retain as I work on me and building healthy relationships. Perhaps he was just the rebound guy. Perhaps I needed to feel loved. Perhaps it was a great opportunity and yet perhaps it was a mistake. Regardless, because of this I have a family that is against me, so that is no family of mine.

March 21, 2012 618pm

Goodbye 359 some day old boyfriend

Why I sent this to you, you ask…………………………….

to show you how your friend treats your ex girlfriend. if he wasn’t your friend, you would care…. sorry for trying to validate my reasoning. but, you know what, seriously, i want whatever you consider my stuff back like now, soon. not being a dick but you obviously don’t care about my feelings or what I am going through. I would have loved to work this out but I see we have divided opinions. I don’t see this as family when once called a best friend. Can’t be both. Whatever.

All I want it to be done so I can get over this. Yet another abandonment, yet another I love you untrue. Love, oh yes, your idea is not defriending your best friend who verbally abuses your girlfriend, the one you are supposed to give some power of love too. But apparently it was too much to ask. I am sorry for even asking. Perhaps it was a shitty thing to do or far behind expectations.

I guess the more you love the more you fall apart and hurt and lash out. I have been annoying the last couple days. My love, my mate, my significant other justifies his girlfriends abuse to it’s family matters I am staying out of. Well, that’s fine. I understand exactly how everyone views me and through continued counseling I will get beyond that. I have acted mean, spiteful and unjustified, in your case. I humbly admit that. I find shame in this but I want to heal and have you heal as well. I don’t want to be mean or hurt.

We are agreeing mutually to end this relationship for reasons that are our own through no fault of our own. Perhaps one day we can see each other on the street and warmly greet each other. I certainly will feel better knowing that I am not of topic. No, no you do such much but not stepping in and encouraging you still enabled. But that’s fine. I will care less and less as the days pass.

I will no longer text or call you, not that I did that much , I will not talk ill of you to anyone, because I am not an “ill talker”. I will not bother you by leaving you gifts that are supposed to show you how hurt I am by possibly sharing the same feeling of WTF. I will not harass you through social networking. I will not use others to see what it is that you are saying or doing. I will not longer use email to contact you. I will no longer come to your house. I will not share your secrets of numerous natures. I will not give out personal information. I will speak only in passing of you. This is ALL because that is what I truly believe my character to be. Or what I want it to be right now and in ten minutes and every day hereafter.

I will pretend that we never even knew each other to help ease the pain of this passing. We have agreed upon this I believe. That this is the end. And I CERTAINLY don’t want to be the crazy one who breaks up with you and then never leaves you alone. Like what the hell does this girl expect, she left me? When it’s the borderline in me, that you will possibly never understand; as well as never have to be subjected be me to that. I am sorry that I have put you through horrendous things, even though you also kept returning to me while I did have psychosis. YOU did support me where as others were non-supportive and full of mockery.

I am glad that you no longer have to surrounded by my “Chaos”. By all those things that are breaking off or coming together for me. My journey which unfortunately I forge on alone without the comfort of a significant other. All that we had tried to build has been broken down. All that we shared now lost in the sand of time. No longer a couple we separate into the future of being alone. We can never go back, only forward. We make our choices based on our values. Our actions reflect this more clearly then any words we could ever speak. And it’s okay, it is okay that we are too different in values that we must have different foundations. I am willing to accept that today. I might bawl my eyes out a time or two for grief purposes for missing you however, we negotiated to separating.

I always hate separation. It’s only been well, this is the second day. and I think I have been a bit meaner than I should. I am hurt, you just left. Like i really had any good reason to break up with you. Did I? and you just let me. I hope you realize that is just me pushing you away to where I can’t get you back. I manipulate you to where you have nothing but hatred for me because I pushed and pushed. This will go away in time, once you understand what I just stated above. My fear of abandonment has me leaving. Don’t worry if you do if there will be anyone else, I am sick of the cycle of “love”. Sick of meeting, greeting, getting to know each other, loving, laughing, sharing, caring, building, and then it all goes south and that’s it. 350 some days gone in the blink of an eye.

I just want you to feel good about this, just in case you don’t. Although you see like you don’t I think you might. If you don’t then there never really was anything there and this is not a loss. I will miss you and i do love you dearly. I believed you were the one. But to put up with this craziness, is to really be the one. To love through the sleepy break ups and to love through the suicidal days and days of euphoric bliss. I am confident there is no one who can do that. Those days are over, its 2012 each man for himself.

I shouldn’t have even seen this, but I did and it gave credence to my request. That’s not caring. Regardless, that’s inconsequential and irrelevant at this point.

At this point it’s the real REAL goodbye. I am without phone, without contact. And as promised I will be invisible and I will be silent. Maybe we can see each other again without contempt. Maybe not. I am sorry for everything i put you threw. Sorry I never got the right sizes. Sorry about not being the right one. I hope you, sincerely, I hope you enjoy the orchestra, I was very much looking forward to that. I hope you enjoy your fanny hill gift, I again was also looking forward to that. I am sure you will use them wisely

. At this point, I have nothing left to say. I am sorry we can’t work this out. I hope one day we can be friends again. If not, it is what it must be. Fuck, I even looked forward to this summer. You are a real loss to me. As well as others. But you the most. You have always been helpful and done your best. I am not deserving of that, I guess. That was just a common belief among your friends. I’ll miss a lot of things. But I can’t think about that now, I have to do things and remember I am strong enough to let you leave me. I am strong enough to forge on and perhaps become a stepford wife, only girl. Lose my personality and conform. Be like everyone else there is.

Oh, dear. It’s hard to say goodbye. It really is. Be well. Good luck with everything to come. You will be just fine. You’re not crazy like me. You are not a shitty person like I am said to be or fucked in the head. The opinion held so highly of your best friend. I am glad he was again, the chosen one because he doesn’t have enough friends. And his words and actions show what character he has and if that is what you value, I can’t change that. Me, I value something else.

Goodbye, _____. Goodbye.

March 24, 2012 1226am

Today has been a good day possibly the clonopin however no uneasiness even having to deal with switching phones. That required me to have to go to the one brother who signed me off, now him and the ex boyfriend are playing UFC. It’s fun to watch. I’ve gained seven pounds this week. That limits the clothes I have to wear.

April 4, 2012 831am

She died. I didnt know it was coming. I avoided everything for months hoping i didnt have to return. She died. I cried. Now what?

540pm

her memory

i remember what was forgotten
a distant memory of love lost
now just the pain
quickly weathered away
do my tears make you uncomfortable
as if i cared more then you
programmed to sit above you on my throne
laid out for me because it was known
that when in death I would be the best
if i failed her i don’t think id care to know
time spent more than the years you shared
she never said that anyone cared
i consider a best friend she named me
I have no choice but to sit here
and wonder what will become of her memory
will it be lost by all but me

April 5, 2012

The jets

how hard it is to live without cause

however, what if you don’t know what that is

is it in the air, the jets as they fly

making their rain with their chemicals

perhaps we ran out of rain

and the jets are nice enough to make it for us

after centuries of telling us of rain

we ran out and that is why they are in the sky

making skinny clouds

giving us rain

to make the world go on.

April 6, 2012 151am

TYRANNT

This battle it seems is about to break me

But I have to survive

No matter the fights to stay alive

There is nothing I’m doing right

No wonder all the fights

It’s a chore to tie my shoe lace and get out the door

But you just want to keep picking on me more

Concerned I sleep til noon

Just because I have nothing to do mornings at five

If you loved me you’d try to keep me alive

Instead of berating me into conforming for you

To not just go with out a plan and free fly

There is no laughter only eyes that cry

Give me a god that will clense my soul

Give me a drug that will cure my mind

I don’t know what to do

I depended on you

Shout and rant about not thinking of you

When thoughts of my friends death lays heavy

In my mind, in my heart

Can’t you give me peace for a day or two and grieve

Sorry I forget dinner, I was trying to be a mother

Another thing I’ve barely accomplished

Don’t you get, cant you see

This is me, this is fucking me

I can sleep til noon if I want

I don’t have to go to sleep at nine

I don’t have to be frozen to a tv

I don’t have to eat at 8 and 12 and 5

I don’t know why I can’t be me

Something undefined

Someone lost to moments of selfish tendencies

An impulsive thinker who doesn’t make the cut

You do so much for me and I don’t have any retaliation

Maybe a card you won’t take out of spite

Killing my heart intentionally not just forgotten

Maybe its better off without you being my tyrant

Oppressing me in ways undefined, mostly everything

Some days I wonder why I even love you

When it seems you fight with me only to blame me

Maybe its my fault, I’ll never know

Lost to me is my friend who would know.

Conversations lost, lets watch TV and fry our brains

If only I could read a book and engage  in a separate activity

I have to survive. That is not a choice.

You won’t understand.

April 11, 2012 910pm

Guilty

She died alone. I should had seen her weeks ago knowing she cared for me and missed me. She was the closest person i knew and my dreams are filled of guilt. To have wished her services was better. As she deserved to be memorialized. Not rushed. I feel i let her down. I spent thirty hours a week with her for many years. More time than any of her children. I did rescue one of her cats so it wouldn’t  be returned to the shelter. Sad i was to hear of her ransacked house from her oldest kids. And the youngest was out casted perhaps cause he was the favorite.

I sit here at a bar i normally dont come to. My car hidden i just want to disappear. It seems life is unfair. Am i lashing out from my grief , its been a week and so alone i feel. The dreams are getting more and more vivid. As if i was there, hiding in the background yet fully exposed. Why did i have to watch her be dead for so long? My dream crossed the realms of time and i existed in that time.

We never did get to go for that drink. It breaks my heart with all the would have been could have beens. There is a hole in my heart. Will it ever be filled. I have guilt.

April 15, 2012

Dreams in my pockets

“You are a hypocrite…..” He yelled at me with other words to follow but I stopped listening after that. After that, I said, “Fuck you!” and went out the door. Then I came home and looked up the word. I think he might have been looking for another word as there is no way I am a hypocrite in this situation. I am not even sure how it became. Was it talking of a brother who lies and is unemployed?

I certainly don’t lie just to lie, I value HONESTY above almost all things. Is it because I am unemployed? However, I am unemployed because I WAS working and had a psychotic episode, failed at suicide, went to a lock down facility and then had major foot surgery. He is unemployed as he claims because he can not find a job. Well, I suppose that would include effort on his part, which I have seen none but a filled out application I gave him months ago, tacked to his wall. Hypocrite, because where once they couldn’t afford even a cappuccino, now they can afford not only their rent but cable and Internet along with other hefty money objects. On one income. Which is not more then a thousand a month. I don’t get it really. There is some illegal activity going on. There has to be. I can barely make it on my own.

Hypocrite. Because talk when he left. As if they don’t do that on a regular basis as I usually remain silent as if I really cared about anyone but my self’s survival. And that unfortunately sound mean, but it is true. We all die alone. no one else experiences that with you. This is exactly why I do not enjoy visits with my family . Usually it’s me being picked on. I wonder who many people have been told that I am fucking crazy, as my mom stated she said to those that ask of her family. It doesn’t really hurt my feelings but a bit, however its almost funny because I am addressing my issues. It really is like making fun of a cancer patient. I guess it does anger me a bit as she is fucking nuts herself.

Regardless, if these were not my family members, bond by blood, I would not know them. We would never cross paths. I don’t see how we would. I would love to move out of this town. I would love to lose the identity felt here, among these people and environment and find a different identity with other people and another environment. Maybe is two years when I have no dependents to deal with. I can just go where I want. Of course my steady relationship, but i figure if he doesn’t ask to marry him in two years, so three years by then, that there is nothing keeping me from leaving. And that might seem mean, however after giving up three years to a person if that person isn’t making a commitment forever than there is in reality no reason for the relationship to continue. If anything its a dream to put in my pocket. maybe reach out for it some perfect rainy day.

I gave my new cat a bath, I figured she would hate me and stay away from me but sbe is sitting on my lap. this is the first time since last week when I got her. Maybe we bonded over it. All I know is I cringe at giving cats baths. Maybe its the sharp claws, Maybe it’s because they freak out and make noises like they are dying. There has to be a way to just keep the body down and unmoving. Mason was the only cat I had who enjoyed baths making it easy for the both of us. I’ve never had a female cat before so this is different for the both of us, throw Spencer into the equation and it’s like a whole new world for all of us. Maybe she enjoys the less animals that she has to compete with. I wonder if she is just as sad as I am about having to lose Kathy. I am grateful to have this cat because  I heard the most about this one than any of the others. It would have been a shame to give her back to the animal shelter who would kill her this time. I know Kathy would feel happy about this over a lot of other things.

I look around and see clutter, that i hate but of books that I love. How ironic is that. I would love to either shelve them all or be rid of tid of them I have found a site that allows me to swap them with other people. ITs a credit system. I have had tops 289 on my shelf, and that is maybe like a third of that I have. I should maybe buy two more book cases and put all the ones from the closet and the other ones there too. I am a bibliophile. Knowledge is power though..

It is now my time to read.

April 17, 2012

The Unloved Child

 

Looking back three decades later, I can see it almost crystal clear how it all became to be. I’m sure I could have been anything had I been encouraged to do so. I could have excelled in school rather than be in the principals office or expelled to home.

Instead I was the depressed kid. Always shuffled along, never heard, never seen, and never loved. I suppose it is unfair to say I was unloved, however, looking back I just can’t see it. I remember climbing trees threatening to jump no doubt provoked by my older two brothers who always ganged up on me.

The second son always tried to play dad and used force to get his way. The oldest didn’t seem to bother much for he was far most interested in listening to music. Mom was always working; Dad was always gone so we took care of ourselves.

When I wasn’t being abused in some way, or acting out in some way, I still don’t remember happiness. I would write for relief. I do remember I found comfort in hurting myself. I recall orange scissors I used to cut my arms and my hair. I remember destroying my room in fits of rage. I don’t remember happiness.

Why bother getting close to a father who was never there? Why bother trying to seek out mom’s attention when she was busy with her own distance?

Some memories are vague. I won’t forget the bathroom visits when mom got drunk and cried saying if it wasn’t for us kids she wouldn’t be here. As an adult, I think I could handle that but at nine I felt that I was better off dead.

Memories of waiting for the mail to come to see if my father got paid so we could buy food and pay the bills and when it didn’t come, the disappointment. Food pantries I remember used to give us blocks of cheese, the orange kind. Adding water to milk to make last longer. Mom didn’t drink any, I think so there was enough.

In first grade mom got pregnant, I was excited because I always wanted a sister. Dad was home when the baby came because I remember getting balloons and not being able to pick them out. I was in denial when he was just another brother, pushing me further into a depressed state and alone.

Mom went to work and the four of us became the family unit. I am not sure how the youngest was raised, I don’t remember taking much care of him. I think the second oldest did. While the oldest worked on the same farm my father did as a kid. I suppose he wanted to get away or he wanted money. He was five years my senior.

All I wanted was a cat. I had many over the years however they all died. The first day of kindergarten I remember my mom telling me she ran over Sam, my very first cat. I later wondered why she told me before school instead of after. I then think to myself, that’s a bit cruel. Other cats died too, maybe my mom was a cat killer, I’m not sure. I was in third grade when one of my cats got killed by a pit-bull. I was forced to stay inside, I didn’t know what was happening however I wanted to be outside. I asked about that cat every day, until one night I asked my mom what happened. I was sick of crawling around in the dirt under the house where I was told she was. Finally she admitted that she had been ripped open by a pit-bull.

I never had a cat for very long. Except one cat, Fluff who was Sam’s sister. She made it through until she was fifteen. They told me they found her in the garage just dead, I believed them. It wasn’t until, Mason, my cat of five years passed that my mom confessed in “hopes to make..” me feel, ”better” that in fact she did run over Fluff and never told anyone. That certainly did not make me feel better. Not even a bit.

The death of Mason was hard for me, I loved that cat like no human being and he was suddenly gone. Soon after I quit college and now owe over ten thousand dollars to the government. I won’t say the experience wasn’t worth it; it afforded me to live and not work.

Growing up unloved or feeling unloved has a different effect on everyone but one thing remains constant, they never feel good enough. By high school I was out of control. I can’t say I learned much in the three years I was there. As I was always acting out. At fifteen I became a mom. At sixteen I was a fetus murderer; against my beliefs because “it was for the best”. Drugs became my out. Drinking, pot, acid, coke. That became my hobbies. I was mother at night and wasted during my school days.

I moved to Lacrosse after my parents took guardianship of my child. I was neglectful and it was the best thing for her. There I got involved with ecstasy and a onetime shroom trip. I was eating pills and yet I managed to keep my job.

It was a whole new world away from my hometown. I was a different person, no longer molded into a certain social role. I was able to make my own friends instead of forced peer relations. I got in trouble with the law for petty things. Driving without a license, I was on probation for a tiny bit of marijuana. Later I became addicted to methadone. I was also addicted to Ritalin and opiates.

I was looking for death however it never came to me. I mixed benzos with uppers and alcohol. I couldn’t even function to do my job as one coworker claimed I laid on the ground and she thought I was going to die. I was supposed to die in that year I remember little. It was my mission to finish my book and die. I had been in a bad breakup that left me shattered; I had no worries other then where the next pills would come from. Somehow it seemed there was a never ending supply.

I had a couple near death experiences but never did it happen. I was in rehab for thirty days once. And I made it to the 29th day before I relapsed on Dramamine and in embarrassment broke out only to try to return a few days later, humiliated but unable to deal with being messed up again. It felt wrong. Different. They wouldn’t take me. I lived in my car for awhile in my early twenties, not even a mile from my parent’s house, who refused me to stay there. However, it was okay for my daughter and the second oldest brother to stay. Furious I just used more.

This was when I mixed some drugs that apparently should not be mixed and drove recklessly down the interstate hitting barrels and almost hit a cop because I didn’t see him. A week prior I had hit a truck with a family in it. I was seated in my car and razored my arms up in grief. I almost killed them.

As if I stopped using after that. No just more. Just more. There was no love for the unloved child. I soon became the active scapegoat in the family. It wasn’t until I was twenty three that I even realized my mom was an alcoholic. I went to jail after I came back from Iowa; I was arrested on a warrant and revoked off my probation. I sat in jail waiting to be sentenced for petty pot charges. I sat almost sixty days. I see my old probation officer once in awhile and always thank her for saving my life. I firmly believe had I not gone to jail, I would have died. I was all muscle and no fat.

I believe the counseling I received was sufficient enough to make an impact. I didn’t stop after this but I didn’t go all out either. I started to live life on life’s terms. Never to be in trouble with cops, having actually a four year relationship with one later in life that I left due to alcoholism that I couldn’t take and he couldn’t stop. I had custody of my child back when she was nine. I started becoming functional.

There was a book I read that changed everything for me. It’s “Personal Power through Awareness” by Sanya. I paid thirty three cents for it. Suddenly, I was a mother who had a different outlook. Although I shared her with my mom as they had more of a bond than I had. I didn’t know love other than Mason. I should rather say nurture. I didn’t know that perhaps from the lack of it growing up as the unloved child.

Looking back through the trials and tribulations I find sometimes the brightest light comes from the darkest places. I thought I had it all figured out when I started to live under the radar. I stopped depending on my mom for anything. She always made promises that were not kept. I wonder if it is an alcoholic thing because they forget so quickly. I see her once in awhile, a trigger to my madness; at times I cringe having to go to family functions. She always makes these sighing noises and complains. The negativity seeps into me and I find myself claustrophobic to the point I have to leave. Mom didn’t have a great childhood. I figure her inappropriate touching is maybe a sign of love even though it is a form of abuse, even in my thirties. I don’t like it so I do my best to avoid it.

My father, I barely see him. He is more like a phantom of the night. A distant shadow that can never be caught. He was just as unloved as my mother growing up, perhaps why the distance and the emotional detachment. Although I know now, they did they best they could with what they had. At least I tell myself that for comfort I suppose.

My happiest moment in life was when we were at a favorite restaurant and we played pool and I sang karaoke. At one point someone sang a song that was to be danced too. In my drunkenness, I just grabbed myself and danced. My dad came and said I don’t want you looking like a fool and he danced with me. I couldn’t stop the tears but they didn’t drop either because I remained strong. I thought to myself, this is the dance I’ll never have as a bride. He hugged me and said he had a really good time and he loved me. I will never forget that moment, as that was the most love I ever felt from him.

I always wanted to impress my father. As a child growing up, I just got lost in the shuffle. I was ashamed to be a girl. I would cry at night and beg a God to make me a boy so my dad would love me. It never happened and I fought tooth and nail to not be a girl. Today, it still affects me. But this too shall pass.

Over the years I have learned that I have a wonderful dysfunctional family whom never really got it right. I don’t know how my parents made it thirty-eight years considering growing up was a challenge when there was always threats of divorce that hovered over us kids, or rather I for I cannot speak for the others. Perhaps that explains our inability to stay in any long term relationship. Perhaps we all have fear of abandonment. I know that I am the only one who acknowledges that I have issues and am working on them.

I thought I had it all together, until recently when I was told that my Bipolar was an issue. I cried. I didn’t want to go back to counseling. I didn’t want to admit defeat and I felt I was only going backwards. There were medication changes, a failed suicide attempt, I really was prepared to die, a quick institutional stay, self mutilation, self destruction, rage and just an overall feeling of depression and worthlessness. I find now that as the unloved child I am doing just fine, in fact, I would say better off than the others. Just recently I was harassed by my brothers to “take more meds” as if to hurt me, as if my medication was anything cool. But it got me thinking. That I wasn’t the problem, they were as I am receiving help for my issues and they are not making it even more apparent that they are the ones who truly need it.

To be unloved as a child and to be unloved as a sister and a daughter is something I must deal with and not let it bother my progress. This is my life and although at times it seems impossible to live in my skin as me, I find it exhilarating to know that I am doing whatever it takes to stay alive.

To live life on life terms and most importantly to love others as if they were the family I never had. I find it to be a blessing to be the unloved child at times because I don’t have to deal with the dysfunction, although at other times it is like a big black cloud over me knowing that I don’t have that support system.

Where my brothers used to be enemies they became my best friends only to recently turn against me and whatever the reason, I am strong enough to not let the razor touch my skin, or the drink touch my lips and most importantly take my life to punish them for making me the unloved child.

May 14, 2012 524pm

Todays adventure

Its been hell the last 13 days. Being able to do nothing having to give up that independence i thrive on. Had the doctor break my foot and do some artistic measures to my foot for my bunion. More pain then the first one, that’s for sure.stir crazy. i had to change cat box on my knees. Boy do those cats do their business a lot. Only minus is they get it all over. I can not wait for a more progressed healing so i can get into hard spots with wet rag. I like to make love with my floor meaning giving it a good clean. I hope the litter box didnt ruin the vinyl underneath cause that is/was new vinyl. From their pee,  even though i got clumping litter which i will swear by as super awesome and cost effective even though the price is a bit higher. I do mine usually once a day. Dont want no accidents. I hate smell of cat urine. I sometimes go ptsd

and smell it. Long story. Im sitting in a library cubicle writing waiting for my phone to charge i thought it was a brilliant idea.it was 9 now its at sixty percent. This is nice,  getting out of the house even if it is to go to the library. Its relaxing, being around people. people watching. Considering the last two weeks ive had hardly no sunshine in my basement apartment and watching netflix. Twice repeated criminal intent. I like vincent/gorens character. He is like sherlock Holmes. 63%…. i cant go to tge bathroom or anything until im happily secured at at least 80% as i am far from home plus today its beautiful out and the blue skies are filled with jets. Definitely not airplanes. Theses objects are clueless on angls if one wishes to argue the point. I highly doubt in normal circumstances they would each be flying up and down at no less then a forty degree angle. And it is irrefutable that they are making clouds. Its apparently clearly by their”jet stream”. Some argue its chemicals, i see no reason not to believe that in my research about governments weather control experiments that is a admitted through the HAARP institute. It makes you wonder. What are they doing up there? 70% who hoo! Then im close to limping off to bathroom and off to another adventure!!!

June 5, 2012 631am

Toxic hard to say goodbye but needs to be done.

403amsad am i to leave

I’ve never been much for love. Giving comes easier than receiving. I don’t know exactly what happened to the latest relationship that was supposed to be forever. I just don’t know why it must be so toxic at this point. I’m willing to walk away and  I know that no one is going to chase me, there is no reason to. I am already named to be selfish. I suppose that can be also construed as being scared. I don’t understand how anyone can boldly proclaim love and yet keep you from every aspect of their life.

Keys taken away adding to the bitter rejection that was discussed many times before. Blocked off social networking sites, another rejection. I don’t understand how one can hurt someone so intentionally and be oblivious to the idea that that person can’t deal with the rejection. And a couple is supposed to be supportive and yet when once again, rejection is there, they expect roses? I wanted to be there for the results, Selfish of me to want that. Selfish of me to believe that a couple is supposed to be each other’s tree to lean on and not be shut out. Anyone I have talked to has shared the same idea behind the notion of being there for the other. Sickness and Health. You only keep your “loved” one out when you don’t believe in the concept of togetherness. that’s the only reason I can see. Then I am blamed for it having to be my way cause I want to be there, I am selfish for wanting to give support in the closet sized dr room. That is selfish of me to want to believe i am a part of something bigger then myself.

there will be no marriage. no happy ending. and is it my fault for walking away? Do I deserve to be treated like a pen pal? I admit that I may have messed up the first time that had the guilt making me want to buy a rope and hang myself. And the second time, another miscommunication where I again was denied to be there for results and kicked out of the house. I guess I deserved the car door slamming into my hand.

In the end really, what is there? No trust, no relationship, no friendship, nothing but assumptions. No clarifications. No time to be spent on projects of my own. No time to explain myself to someone who knows it all and won’t ever quit talking as rationalization and projection replaces logic. So easy it is to reason away it’s all my fault cause I’m on medication. Just because one compulsively buys things for someone doesn’t mean that they are not selfish. that is delusional. Selfishness. Controlling. Never able to live up to rigid expectations. It’s a losing game.

Is it wrong to walk away? To regain some dignity? To find myself again, not selfish. Not demeaned. To go after my dreams and have the time to do it. I can’t handle the intentional rejection. the intentional hurt. I may at times not be conscious of other’s but I never intentionally hurt another feeding into their child hood fears. How is that love? How can I be a valued person of a relationship when I am forbidden to be involved in the health of the one I LOVE? If I can’t then why am i here? It’s certainly not because I am loved or needed. it’s because it gives the other person to use it against me. Fuck Love. I just have to walk away. sad as it is. time invested but we will go one. in the end, the pain subsides. sad am I to have to leave.

June 6, 2012 419am

the life of a suicide

So I have this awesome story idea. It’s called “LIFE OF A SUICIDE”. I doubt that it will ever be finished but I am sure that it will be an excellent read. being Chronically suicidal since nine, I think I can tell a great story. Maybe it will be my magnum opus. Maybe it will help someone not want to go down the same road. Today I talked about it. I suppose it felt good. I didn’t feel stupid or self conscious. I fear that one day I might do it, Truly that saddens me. It saddens me more when I am mocked because of it. Just because I failed last time doesn’t mean I didn’t want to be done. The other day i was so scared, so helpless, lost to the dark void that had me in it’s clutches. I had it all prepared only to be interrupted. I am glad in away but really what is keeping me here? If I am deemed selfish and inconsiderate, why am I here? And I have nothing or no one to be there for me to listen. who wants to hear about the life of a suicide. and when i do it does that mean i no longer will be mocked. does that mean that finally someone will care? Who will leave me flowers on my grave? Does that many people care about me? I feel all alone. Of course, he doesn’t help, degrading me. assuming more then is needed. maybe we are both just needing the same thing but not able to provide if because there is a blockage. the more i am rejected the more i pull away. ohhhhhhh…………the life of a suicide.

June 26, 2012 649am

He deserted me. No surprise.

Another day, Alive. Today was a hard day. Even harder when my boyfriend didn’t want to see me. Cause I told I’d see him tomorrow, so that meant that I couldn’t see him today. Which Caused me to feel alone, abandoned and tossed to the curb. He didnt want to be with me. He was with the Golden Child. No surprise that he rates much higher, with family and with my boyfriend. I had an intense outbreak of rage. Not surprising after being unwanted. Told to return tomorrow, as if I was just some neighbor kid. So I went home. I couldn’t control my emotions. I broke my mirror. I banged my head. I hit my bookshelf so hard it came crashing down on me. My big Egyptian picture busted. My bookshelf no more. And the thing that bothered me the most was my hourglass broke. Was it telling me, my time was up. Was I suddenly Dorthy and my death had arrived? Of course it didn’t matter to him that I was mauled by my book case. He claimed I did it on purpose when in reality I did not mean for it to come crashing down. I am glad that it wasn’t a medical emergency because he sure wasn’t coming over. He wouldn’t let me wait for him outside his house to get home. Cause I sent a message saying I wanted my mail. Not that any of it was for me. I told him I would talk to him tomorrow because he started arguing with me about the medication that a licensed psychiatrist adjusted accordingly so that maybe I could control my suicidal bouts. He wanted to argue as if he were a doctor. I was annoyed, I went back to sleep. Then I woke up alone and I needed someone and he would have nothing to do with me. I was supposed to tell him I needed him. Well obviously if I was waiting outside his house I needed him. I didn’t want to be at home. Then I returned only to hurt myself. Had he only just been there for me. It’s like the other night he freaked out on me instead of welcoming me with open arms. I don’t even know what to do anymore. He has me blocked on all my facebook accounts. I can’t be privy to his life there. He swears he’s not on it that much and yet that is not the case. So I blocked him off one account that he left unblocked and I blocked him on my phone. I figured it was fair considering if his excuse is that I am blocked for being mean than surely it is not limited to texts. Besides it only seems logical. He tells me he loves me. I find it hard to believe. He was going to let me lay under that bookshelf. He didnt care. He made me leave his house because I said I’d see him tomorrow. See can’t change plans. Nope. Even if I was dying or something came up, it would have had to wait til tomorrow. Can’t change plans. Somehow my mail from quick cash ended up in his mailbox. I suppose it was prolly just another character assassination from the family I don’t have. It hurts that he abandoned me wouldn’t let me see him. Of course I shouldnt have even mentioned the mail. Then he gets stuck on it. Whatever. I guess I should figure out someone else to go to for support. He says I can count on him. Surely not on facebook and surely not when I say see you tomorrow when he acts like he knows more than my doctor. What did I do so wrong to be punished? Why couldn’t he have just dropped the ego and said okay ill be right there. Because he thought it was all about my mail. If that was the case I would have been there right away. I didn’t go because I didn’t want him telling me that he knew more about my meds then the doctor prescribing them listening to me about my suicidal impulses something he refuses to listen to. Yeah, what a great support person. Then on the phone he starts yelling at me and I start yelling back “WHY WONT YOU LISTEN TO ME” He wont, he wont fucking shut up for two seconds to hear me out, He always has to interrupt. He always has to be the one who’s smarter and knows it all. He just couldnt let me wait for him. He had to kick me to the curb because I said “tomorrow”. That is the stupidest fucking excuse ever. He just didn’t want to see me. He wanted to punish me. What else? I am sick of being punished. I am sick of having no one. I am sick of being suicidal. I am sure he plays a role in it, last night proves very well what kind of person he is. He refused me access to him and then when I was having a melt down he ignored my texts and pleas for help. Tomorrow….tomorrow….FUCK tomorrow. Is this even worth it? Why am I with someone who enjoys to  abandoned me? It doesn’t help me and he wonders why I’m so fucked up and crazy, because he wont listen. He wont be there for me. Because if I say tomorrow no matter what is going on with me, that means tomorrow. Who cares if I have a gun to my head, tomorrow. Who cares if I am banging my head against things, tomorrow. What bullshit. It’s okay. I would rather be alone than have to deal with the constant battle of getting him to be there. Then he throws in his hospital thing. He never wanted me there. He told me that. He said he didn’t want me there. He made a point of me not knowing anything. However, his ex could be there. Isn’t that nice? Whatever. He can have her and he can have my family. I don’t need anyone. Obviously I have no one so I guess it’s not losing anything. After tonight I found that I matter little. How many times as he waited for me. How many times has he followed me. Easy to forget I suppose when the pressure is on him. Whatever. I have to not care. I hate my brother. I really do. And I am beginning to see how he probably helped to make up my boyfriends mind telling him no doubt to just fuck me. Whatever. I cant deal with either. Let him have my brother. let him deal with his own issues. I don’t care. I can’t. I have told him REPEATEDLY that I cannot handle abandonment and what does he do, tests me that much more. He didn’t want to spend time tonight cause I said tomorrow? That’s a fucking cop out. That’s not being a couple. That’s just being a dick and not caring. I must remember that. Well now we have no access to each other. Abandon him before he can abandon me anymore. Life. I hate it.

 

 

 

July 5, 2012 247am

True Feelings My Devaluation

It’s funny sometimes what others do to hurt the ones they love purposely but justify it as if it’s a legit thing. Password protecting a computer after 16 months together? Because the other day I let him borrow my car because it had ac to get his dog and to entertain my self since
His computer was already
On I looked up things to get him for his birthday and as a result he puts a password on it. I am blocked on Facebook, multiple accounts, I am now punished by a block on his computer. I’m surprised he hasn’t deadbolted all the doors in his house and put a chain around his fridge. Why slowly block me when he can just do it all at once? it pushes me further away from him. The more he locks me out the more alienated I feel from his life. The lack of trust is outstanding. I find it insulting. I find myself continuing to barricade myself from the shut out he’s doing. I should buy him a lock box for his remotes so in case I ever happen to be alone in his padlocked blocked house i will be Also blocked from the television. Emotional and psychological abuse. I think I’d rather be beaten up at least the bruises heal. How does one get past the shame of being kicked out of your lovers life and trust he is telling the truth he loves you? How could anyone believe it? Would a stranger if told this agree that it’s a form of punishment? I emotionally detach even further knowing my past relationships never blocked me or locked me away. There was no reason to be secretive because there was intimacy and there was trust. I highly value my Honesty and trusting character and when my supposed other half starts shutting me out i question the strength of this relationship the value that is placed on it and me. It’s heartbreaking. I find it hurts but helps put it in perspective that there is no trust no value no intimacy no commitment and that the only interest is copulation. I don’t know what else there is after you take away those elements. What? It might be a sign from the universe that I deserve better than being undervalued and mistrusted. Never in my life. It’s insulting. It’s a statement of his love or lack there of. I mean nothing. It’s true. And this confirms it more then anything. To do this is nothing more than an act of vengeance because his opinion is lowly of me. How can there even be friendship? I’m a fool to believe it exists when everything points against it. Oh well, at least I know his true feelings by his actions. And I can harden my shell up so I can one day stop pretending I am a friend or a girlfriend or anything but a convenience and everyone in awhile a lover. Sadly still I remain.

December 4, 2012 930am

She is what she is because of all of what she was

How amazing life’s journey is with it’s twists and turns. She never had a clue to what the future was going to be like, as she never thought she had a future. The general conception of her younger childhood days was she would be dead soon enough anyways-what was the point. Sadly she looks back at that child and although she remembers very little, she remembers enough to know the child was lost,abandoned, different, lonely and suicidal. The turning point is unknown, if ever that child was happy- she remembers nothing.

She came across journals from those younger years; finding herself sympathetic to the pleas of death to prevail. This was at age ten. The entries were wise beyond that of a ten year old, disturbing in it’s nature, yet there was that one constant above all- not belonging.

Writing suicide letters in a closet just small enough for a little girl to fit, hiding from the monsters and sobbing from the pain. What ever was written on those walls will never be recovered. However, it can be concluded from all other writings of that age, it was not love letters or dreams of the future. It never did get any better. The entries became darker and desperate. Death was welcomed and encouraged. Attempts made, so feeble at eleven. That was in 1991, when that age was still of innocence rather than what it is now, an age of skepticism. Yet she knew of no innocence only of a tainted life, before life had even started.

The family dynamic contributed to her suicidal demeanor. She was the only girl and left out of everything. Her father was a truck driver and took her older brothers across the states, through the mountains and by the oceans. When they came home, they would talk of the sites she yearned to see. They felt special while she felt betrayed. Why couldn’t she go? Her mother said, “..because you are a girl.” That night she changed. She cried alone in bed. She begged and pleaded with a God she never had a privilege of knowing, just some guy in the sky she heard stories about from others. To the depths of her soul all she wanted was to be a boy so her father could love her and she could see the world. She whispered these pleas mentioning even getting a sex change, as if it magically she would awake and be blessed with the same privileges of her siblings. She didn’t want to be a girl. She didn’t want to be excluded. She didn’t want to stay home. She didn’t want to be teased. She didn’t want to hide in a closet unnoticed. She wanted to be loved and she wanted to be free from the torments of her imprisoned mind. She was tainted.

Her only solace was that pen and paper. Her first book she remembers buying was a thesaurus. She wrote in codes as there was no privacy for a girl. If she used big words, she figured no one would decipher her true feelings as dark as they were, as if it really mattered. That is what saved her from herself.

Thousands and thousands of words found their way from ink to paper. As she wrote about death and paid no attention to living, the days and years went by regardless of her desired demise. While others planned on saving peoples lives, she planned on dying. The burning desire to become like Plath or Poe made her more motivated to write about the life she never wanted nor asked for. Hoping her death would bring to life-her. Maybe in the end, she would be loved.

Looking forward from those younger years she only anticipated being void. Looking back she sees there was no escape from the depression. There was no escape from the teasing and taunts. The abuse wheel she was cycled into did not cease. Life continued on even after she lost herself in that bedroom.

Before she believed in the possibility of finding herself she left herself exposed to more abuse from men who she resented as she resented her father. Later in life that passed when she saw him as a person and not as a part to play in her life. Her favorite memory in life was when they danced together and he told her he loved her. She fought the tears back as best she could knowing this would be the only dance they would have. Marriage would never be a possibility and she knew that this dance was supposed to be that dance.

Looking back on three decades, she finds her life to still be lacking, however, she is grateful to be alive; able to enjoy the tests of character and strength. While she can pick up any random notebook and recall the memories of the time, she keeps them hidden in a drawer. Where once she worried of their destruction, she no longer seems bonded to those memories. Dreams of being a writer were accomplished without publication. With thousands of pages, possibly millions of words of her damaged life; she finds herself content to be in her skin. Without the experiences documented, she might have forgotten why love is so important. She might not have known how far she had to go, how hard she had to work to get to this point, today. She is what she is because of all of what she was. That is the only thing that counts, today.

 

 

 

January 9, 2013

Magic Vs.Reality

I am torn among emotions to which I cannot define

the reason for your pain, his pain and mine

recklessly and harmfully ignoring consequences that are potentially disastrous

magic versus reality causes heart fatality

time matters with hearts on a platter

time matters when the hourglass shatters

knowing the loosen screw was not in it’s place

freely dropping unknown the effects of the defects

for now time has been erased

Forgotten all the time you ever had

whether the times were good or bad

all was lost when with the mentality

that magic loses to reality

January 10, 2013

Just love

seriously. I am re-listening to my hour crying recording for him. After he chewed my ass saying i ruined his day….and hung up on me. All I can do, is just love.

January 14, 2013 649am

I think I broke my own heart.

Life has changed for me. Although, I miss my yesterdays- I enjoy my today. I know who I am again, if not more, for the first time in either ever or for a long time. I guess there are just relationships out there in which two people may be involved in and are meant to move on. For the best for each. Such a sad loss and at the same time, a growing experience-making all the pain worth it. As will be so fresh as it is, the memories so vivid, almost as if I am still there. I grow sad in thought. I know, though, it is best. Better for him, better for me. Most importantly, better for him. He can go on to find someone whose energy is compatible enough to feel the magic and not friction. It’s hard to understand at times why love and broken hearts are almost synonyms to the other. I know it is because it hurts to let someone go whom you loved so much and so deeply with a goodbye you can never get back whether it was a good one or a bad one. It’s end result remains the same. The relationship death is as real as any other death. For those who care, at least. The worst is when both people love and have to kill it to destroy it to be able to end it. Otherwise, the world hurts that much more. I can’t go back. He can’t go back. It sure would be nice for a friendly face or a witty text- and yet with any death it is just a deluded fantasy to entertain such thoughts. He will be missed even in our friction, he is still missed. But differently now, different because I’ve accepted reason. I’ve accepted we are too different to be as one. Our levels of energy are not compatible. His focus on life is realistic and as a dreamer I was always left alone on the cloud. His watch was worn not to look at time, but to control time. I wore no watch because time does not exist. He was practical and down to earth. I entertained wild theories and could be from a different planet. He is an even and I am an odd. He was extroverted, I was not. He liked cow, I liked Chicken. He ate healthy, I clogged my arteries. He worked out, I waited for my feet to heal. He had a dog, I had a cat. He loved TV, I loved Books. He liked the smell of pine, I hated it. He liked early mornings, I liked late nights. He liked chores and responsibility, I liked neither. So many things, never common ground. Difference was we didn’t relate. There was no magic. I can say there was a wall of love. There was no allowing me to be who I was without interjection. He was a social rule follower, “Don’t take the pen”, I was the “Hey I like this pen” now it’s mine,Thank you. Maybe I shouldn’t take other people’s pens. I personally watch my pens carefully. He is constant on my mind as a dull toothache. I wonder how long before his memories find their way back to memories of lost days I can shrug off. Why do I feel so strongly about someone I can’t get a long with? Love. It fucking sucks sometime. I can’t go back. I think I broke my own heart.

106am

I hurt. I love. I lost. Icry.

I keep coming back to the same thoughts. Why does he haunt my mind? Why? It’s been a month. Less time since contact. I let the last email slip by unanswered. I thought if he listened to my hour long conversation with myself he might have time to think about things. Maybe even come around. I have to accept it’s gone. I have to admit it to myself. I must let it rest. All day, constantly dull in the back of my mind, he creeps. What is he doing? How is he? Does he miss me? Is he thinking of me? Does he wonder? Does he even care? I try my best not to cry. It hits me in waves every few hours. It has repeatedly, I’m not exaggerating, for days now. I just don’t feel right. I want to go to him and I know that I should not. I want to text him just to feel his presence. Instead I am writing in virtual world my undying devotion to nobody but myself. I still feel connected. I thought of all different scenarios in my head while I drove home from school. Grabbing a decaf for him and for me a cappuccino  and inviting him to the local park where we used to walk. It was one of his favorite things to do with me he said once. The closest he felt to me was then. I never got the coffee. I thought about sitting outside the steps and just asking to sit quietly to soak in his existence. I never did. While I would hope for a silent understanding, I fear I would only receive a scowling, I honestly am broken. I fucking broke myself. Ha! how do I like that. Ironically enough, I broke my own heart. And it keeps breaking. I didn’t know a heart could shatter in so many pieces. I feel lost from time to time. We used to have a purpose. It used to mean something. We used to be a couple. He used to be my boyfriend. I know he has his issues and I have my issues too, so why can’t we just…………. fuck. I hurt. I cry. I love. I lost. I hurt. I love. I lost. I cry. There is nothing, fucking nothing, but a nagging inside. A constant throb. I miss him. Even the worst of times. I miss him right now. He is so close. So fucking close. I wished it was as simple as going over there and knocking on the door. It’s funny how right wrong can feel. How toxic and yet addicting someone can be. I fucking love him so much.

541am

I just hope he feels the same

What a fucking mess I have found myself in. I left a rose upon his windshield. Just a rose. Nothing else. I bought him a jersey of his favorite team and paid overpriced shipping to have it here by the “big game”. I can only do so much. I cried in the shower again last night. The water scoured down upon me and all I could think of was him. Like a fucking parasite. Why? Back in reality I am still living a fantasy thinking that he might like to reconcile, even just a bit. I need him in my life. A restraining order would be the only way he might get me to back down. Perhaps this is where I fight. I don’t know why but I don’t feel this is over- I don’t feel it is done. The connection can not be lost. There is hope. There must be hope. At least a frozen rose in the morning might shine hope his way and perhaps he will remember I am nice….. perhaps…or perhaps he will get disgusted and smush it. I can’t predict. I can not go get it on a second thought. It is done. I suppose, I must fight until there be an injunction, in which case, then I will know he really means it when he says don’t bother. I feel good-I feel great….spiritually-mentally- my moods still high. But he is missing and I don’t think I can give up on us. Although, what if I was supposed to? What if we really are not supposed to be together? Back in dreamland I go…another heart broken, this time me and my own. Whatever. It’s all fair in love and war. Fuck. Lost the magic. I threw it away. Gave it all up for reality. It has to work. I don’t want to be a liar of love and I don’t want to live without him. I really don’t. No matter what I have said. He is burned into my heart and soul. I need him. I just hope he feels the same. I just hope he feels the same.

January 15, 2013 830am

Just Stupid

it makes no sense to me, the more I think about. The more I wonder why. I am confused. How do I want to be loved? Is that the meaning behind this? I am best alone. I can not be a caged bird. I must fly on my own. Why am I so tied to him? Would things be different now after this time apart? Am I wasting my energy, time and tears on a pipe dream? Is that what I am doing? Is that what I enjoy doing? Running myself in circles? If he loved me, will he return to me? What if it’s lost? Why do I want it so bad when apparently I was so miserable? Because I love him. Without knowing why or how. WHY WHY WHY………..I can’t cry. I can’t cry. I am very very close. I hate crying at work. I want him back. He is mine. He is. He never left my heart. I wonder if my picture is still up? He isn’t as sentimental as some. He isn’t as sensual as some. He is practical. He is responsible…and me, me I am just fucking stupid.

February 25, 2013 746am

How else will I live

I should be doing homework, however, I don’t feel the motivation. In fact, I am not sure I even wish to continue on and pursue this degree. But, how else will I live?

March 15, 2013 831am

Sad she loved him at all

Why he had to fuck everything up  i do not know. Why couldnt he just be a normal man, wanting love unconditional and undefined. Why he had to turn it away, reject it as if he needed none saddens me. The grinch himself, sadly unknown to him, he will never find love like what was offered. Too proud, too vain… to insane to know the depths of life. I feel anger i feel hurt and i feel pity. To deny me his love now is no different then throughout the relationship. I know. we are toxic. But sometimes its not. I did my best to keep it. But even god knows he is unreachable. He is unfixable. And together it just cant be.no matter how badly she desires it. And what does she desire. Not his.control. not his attitude. Surely. Not the feeling of egg shells. There is no real love. friendship lacking also. Why is there a hold.  Because maybe he doesn’t want her love. obviously he does not. Perhaps its that rejection which drivesher to desire. Quit looking at the clock. quit thinking it matters any at all. He made his choice. I have made mine. It can not be undone. Sad she lovedh im at all.

922am

He doesnt care im broken

I hurt so bad right now. Im sobbing. A photo. It broke me.him actually smiling. Why does it have to be like this. breathe. breathe. I suppose this is the healing process. I hurt where they say your heart is. I hurt so bad. But i know its done. I know its impossible. It makes it hurt that much.more knowing we used to have something. Looking back rereading these blogs with the same theme tells me im an idiot looking for pain. I cant sleep. I dont know whatto do. I should be okay. I shouldnt be hurting. I guess this shows how one can be trapped in the cycle of abuse. The five stages of grief. Denial. Anger. Hurt. Im in those three currently. If i could kill myself.to make him love me i think i.would. that is sick. Deplorable. Im sick. He has broken me.and he. Couldcare less. But i need to move on. I need to push past it. I need to forget love. Its not there. He doesnt love me. I cant trick myself into thinking he does. Its fucking over and i need to deal with  that. He is an asshole. He doesnt care for me so why should i care for him. He pushed me. He doesnt care.

March 18, 2013 836am

No surpise

for all the love that others lack, i offer my heart to those. For they may not know they are without the essential soul of life and are unable to carry forward without such light; but blessed am I for forgiving their ignorance and offering them what they can not offer themselves.

Would it surprise anyone to know i was again told those magical love words, “Fuck off”. I think I am beginning to find strength in those words. As if they no longer affect me as they have in the past. Rejection from what? Rejection from meanness? Genuine meanness.

I don’t deserve to have my heart strings played like a puppet. Or my self esteem shattered like a pinata. I know i can do better and yet why have I allowed myself to stay? The lesson. The know what it means to be the abused one? To see I am not as crazy as those who would like to make me out to be? Maybe.

maybe it’s time. He wants to go, let him go. Let him enjoy his life without me. Perhaps he believes it will be better. If it is, I wish him all the happiness. isn’t that the definition of love, wanting someone else just to be happy with no alternative motive?

He doesn’t know what Love is though. I can’t save him. I can’t. I’ve done my best.

March 19, 2013 541am

I will find me a husband

i sit here, alone, behind the hotel desk, hoping that my tear streaked face will not be seen by others. Although, if so, oh well…..People in love make me so happy I cry. Marriages….ahhhh…My friend just got married. She looked beautiful. They look dashing as a couple. I know it will never be like that for me, however, in the end, maybe that’s good. Let all those others get to enjoy the love of a lifetime. Ha, love of a lifetime. As if that exists.

I shouldn’t be so sad. To know that this girl who just posted she married her best friend yet worst enemy is now together brings great joy to me and great sadness  the sadness is for my own issues.

I decided I am looking for a husband. Yep. I want a best friend/worst enemy. I want all the joys in life. I want it. I can have it. I refuse to be strung along and played with as if I had forever to sit and wait. I will find me a husband.

10:32am

Wished I could unsend

i know you hate my emails. but then again, you hate everything I do so what’s one email going to hurt.

I just decided, I am looking for a husband. I dont want a boyfriend. Not that I really have one, but whatever the case maybe. I want a best friend/worst enemy. I want to be filled with joy. I want to have my own family and that takes commitment. I am not talking babies. just someone who will be there for me and vice verse.

I will find someone who will kiss me. and hold me. and make love to me. I know the thought appalls you., touching me, being intimate, kissing me, etc…..  But There has to be someone out there who is able to offer me all the things you deny me. I want to be with you but you offer nothing but blame or excuses.

I have loved you for years now and you have made it clear where you stand. We can still be whatever you want to say we are but someday, somehow, somewhere, someplace, I will get what I rightfully deserve, love. You don’t want what I want and I can’t do anything about it.

I want love and affection. Attention. I want intimacy. Commitment. You apparently do not desire these things and I guess that is okay. Not everyone does. I do though. More and more knowing you can not give them to me.

I don’t want to lose you, but like I said, if you read in this thread, I am no longer going to deal with your lack of providing me with what I need. I can’t. I can’t do it anymore.

And so if your ego/pride can’t have you sit back and shut up to just read this without replying with some nasty, fine have a nice life with your boyfriend, fuck off leave me alone, then it has only proven what Shannon Johnson has proven. People stay true to their core. They rarely change and will do anything to blame someone else for their own shortcomings.

I love you. I really do. I want you to be that guy to offer me all those things. I want a boyfriend, at least the intimacies of having a boyfriend/best friend. If you want to be him, you can be and I have told you how. If not, then I will go on and find that guy who can offer me what I need. AND I do need it. I do.

I’m not breaking up with you. Really, what’s to be broken? I am offering you the chance to continue on this journey with me…… maybe you are afraid of love or don’t know how……I suggest if it’s important to you go read some articles and do some research. If it’s not, then it’s not. Some people just don’t have the same needs and wants. Whatever you decide to chose I will not harass you, I will not stalk you. I will not make life hard on you. I will not insult you. I will not do anything but quietly leave as if I was never there. If that happens, i do hope it is what you truly want and not something your ego/pride has done for you.

I am willing to accept you for who you are but I am not willing to accept an empty relationship. Each day I lose more and more strength battling to stay a float where I am drowning. I can accept whatever you chose. We all have to grow up sometime and I am dealing with a lot of changes right now. I am at that point where I need to make some hard decisions about life. I don’t want to lose you. I hope you don’t skip over that part.

I love you, ****. I want you to be my best friend/worst enemy/lover/husband/forevermate. But, that is your decision to make. while yes it forces you to take a hard look at yourself inside, it also helps me knowing I made my intentions clear so there can be no misunderstandings. Either you give up your ego or you lose me. maybe you don’t care. maybe you do. I cant read minds or hearts. All I can do is love. And to be denied that is the greatest injustice in the world.

you think about it.

please refrain from a nasty email.

I am not going anywhere. I am not looking for anything but love, and when love is ready it will come to me. I can’t rush it.

Do not make mention of my imaginary boyfriend, if I wanted to be with the guy, I would. He offers everything I want, but he is not you. I LOVE YOU. I WANT YOU. I DONT KNOW WHY YOU FIGHT ME ABOUT IT TOOTH AND NAIL AND DO EVERYTHING TO BREAK ME………….

And why I want someone who offers me no emotional attachment, I don’t know. It’s winding down though. that I know, that is why I am reaching out and telling you these things…………because i want you to get it, i want you to love me…………….

If you want to walk this journey with me and be kind and loving and intimate, loosen your controlling ways and be a person not a machine. show your feelings. love me. read this email and read it again. I am not plotting against you. I am not causing drama. this is what intimacy is-feelings. you know what you need to do…………..im willing to take it slow, i don’t expect miracles overnight…………i want to be with you…….i want to wake up with you and fall asleep with you. I want to be together and laugh. and talk and love and be merry…………

im sick of everything else. all the other bullshit. i know i can change to overcome it, i know like a fucking chameleon i can……….but can you? Do you have what it takes? Do you love me so much you are willing to do what it takes to not lose me? Am I worth it to you? You are worth it to me, but I can’t make your decision for you…………

Again, no nasty email unless you are cutting ties. just send me a good morning i love you and you know what, that’s all i need to know you are committing to starting new beginnings…….and i can wake up and watch your new pet eat and we can watch loser and sleep in the same bed. hopefully. I am probably just going say fuck school. i feel too far behind. only two months left but i cant get it all done by Wednesday…………..whatever, something i have to figure out…………

ill talk to you later i hope peacefully.

 

all my love

 

1143am

He does not care

obviously he does not care and i am just wasting time, energy, and emotion. I do not deserve this. Somewhere out there there is a tongue waiting to feel mine. I just know it.

March 24, 2013 1015am

No capacity for love

What an idiot i am. I cant believe i tricked myself into thinking i mattered. When you look for love in the wrong places, you’re bound for disappointment. Despite any issues to the contrary, if two people truly care there is no reason they cant still touch each other. I tried for a bedtime handhold, i was denied. I felt i violated him as i held him. At las, i rolled over and remained unloved,  untouched for the remainder of the night.

Human contact is supposed to bring out something ….. in my last attempt for it i found the truth as it mocked me. Holding him, not kmowing his heart was lost until i was ignored,  i wanted comfort whereas i received only a feeling of voidness. I love and i went against the realities. He cared more for the relationships death then for its rekindling. Stupid was i to expect love in an embrace.

Acceptance comes hard. There is nothing left for me. I assumed he would want to love andbe loved. Sadly,  some people dont have such the capacity for love.

730am

To continue on I would be crazy

I find myself in this entire different mind frame which has transformed me into believing, into knowing, I must move on. I ask for kind words and receive unnecessary anger. All I wanted was to love him, all he wanted was to project his misery upon me. To deny my love is a great injustice. I can not happily live if I cannot love. Apparently, as I have recently learned, some people can and do. Although, not happily.

To accuse me of being gloomy and depressed or whatever after being berated, after being ditched, after fighting with me is completely preposterous. How can anyone not feel a hint of sadness when they are being insulted?

I don’t need him to make me feel special any longer, it is not within the scope of reason. He has lost me with his lack of compassion and love. He can justify and rationalize the situation all day long but the truth knows the truth. The truth is, no one deserves to be talked to like that. Not someone you love. Not a friend. Not even a stranger.

I ask what makes me so special that you love me, please answer. One would think a harmless question. Nothing “ultimatum” about it, nothing mean, nothing sad, nothing but a seemingly simple direct question. After weeks of disconnection, one would think if you can remind that person of the love they had, if ever, for you, things might start flowing in a positive way. Truth be told, when that question provokes a long drawn out mad response about having no time to respond, there is something wrong.

Why would you deny someone that knowledge? Really. Think about it. A child asks, “Why do you love me?” and instead of being comforted with kind words they are shunned with only the feeling of being unloved, unworthy of an answer that should be so simple. “What makes me so special?” Nothing. Nothing makes you special because ALL YOU DO IS BOTHER ME. Not kidding, that was basically the message. I am a bother. Yes, dear world of perfect strangers, I am a bother to the guy who claims he loves me. Does this seem to carry with it some flaws in reasoning?

In all honesty, when I put myself out there like that child, vulnerable and innocent, I somehow knew the question would go unanswered. Obviously if you don’t love someone you can’t answer the question and will instead give excuses and reasons why you shouldn’t even have been asked in the first place. Then when confronted about being mean, yet another excuse, I was just being honest. What about my feelings? Well, your feelings matter and that’s great but you weren’t the one asking the question. You weren’t the one wanting to reconnect. Where as you had that chance and blew it with your innate ability to be mean. In fact, I haven’t heard anything nice about me in a long time. Just put downs. I sleep too much. I’m always miserable. I should be more intimate if I want intimacy. Well, fucking hold my hand, tell me you love me, and I bet you might feel what I am trying to covey. He knows nothing of love. Not the act of it. Sad, really.

I didn’t cry. I wanted too. Being rejected like that. Hot tears trying to pour from my eyes. I wanted to feel but at the same time I didn’t want to either. Something inside of me clicked and no longer did I feel that desire to cry, to hurt, to feel. I wanted it to not matter so much. So what if this guy doesn’t want to offer my kind words of love? Just because he does not know the value of love, doesn’t mean i have to follow suit. There are plenty of people, over 6 billion people in the world who would offer me kind words without batting an eye. For him, two years together, nothing but meanness. Do I blame him? I guess in all honesty I cannot. Not in good conscience; how do you blame someone who is born without a heart?

Later when I am told “fuck you then”, as I didn’t want to answer the phone to hear what he had already said, as chances are that is EXACTLY what was going to happen, I am told I am self centered and egocentric. He was just being honest, telling me how he felt. Yes. I thanked him for his honesty. He told me exactly how he felt and now I know. Which his reply was I did not. Yet, lets look at the facts of the matter. Upon conclusion, I think it is not unwise to reasonably conclude he finds me to be a bothersome annoyance like a hangnail. How dare I ask for his love? How dare I question him about his love for me? How dare I? Yes. He told me exactly how he felt. His honesty was far from flattering but now I know what I didn’t have the heart to tell myself.

No matter if we were fighting or not, had he asked me the same, I would have told him what made him special and why I loved him without hesitation. DESPITE the friction and chaos, had he been the one to ask even if it was in a knock down drag out fight I would still answer the questions without hesitation. Who is more pitiful, him or I? To deny love as a punishment for not setting an alarm is without doubt a true symptom of the inability to love.

In the end, I must leave this game. There is nothing here but hurt. He can not love. I need love, I want love. I can not help him. He doesn’t think he needs help. He can deal with it himself as I did my best and still it was not good enough. To continue on would only prove that I myself was mentally ill beyond repair.

March 26, 2013 1110am

Retreated

Why is it when I withdraw he comes closer? When I make a move he retreats? When I want to discuss something he ignores me? When I ignore him, he wants to have a discussion? It makes little to no sense.

After our fight yesterday leaving things rough, this morning he asks about getting a Jacuzzi room at the hotel. I tell him I am still upset because he invalidated my feelings and shows no empathy. He claimed I did the same. I explained when it was my turn to express my feelings to let me know until then I would listen to his. He then continues on about the room. I don’t get it. Does he know how much he hurt me? How close I am to walking away?

March 27, 2013 1110am

Can you hate someone you love?

It is Wednesday morning. Twenty-four hours without an email, a text, or a phone call. No contact. A part of me wishes he would contact me just so I know he cares.  But then again, I don’t want to fight which only would include me talking.

I think to our talks. I ask him how his day but I noticed recently he does not ask me about mine. I have to bring it up. I suppose I feel a bit neglected, uncared for. What is the point of Friday? I just don’t get it. Is he not talking to me until then. I don’t understand that either.I refuse to initiate contact, in fact I really don’t even want to show up. I don’t know what to do anymore. I know I deserve better and I shouldn’t make excuses for him such as maybe that is his best. Then I can argue with myself, well, I deserve better than his best.

I just want to not care. I just want to pretend it doesn’t matter. So, is he going to ignore me until Friday? Is that his plan because if it is, that is pretty damn shitty. What good is being a couple if you don’t talk? I just want to yell and scream at him. I think he hurts me on purpose. I really do. Then he attempts to make up for it.

Round and round we go. No longer the same. I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. The more the distance, the stronger I get being alone. I don’t think he gets that aspect, rather I think he thinks he is punishing me whereas reality has it, he is punishing himself if he does care.

Can you hate someone you love?

I certainly don’t want to be the one who gives in, although I do want to text him and ask if he plans on watching, “our show” tonight. He did last week alone. Of course. Another punishment. Fuck him. Fuck him. The more I think about it, just leave me alone because I can’t handle being broken daily

 

April 2, 20131129am

Like people let it die and be done

Sad. it’s about the end. One can just feel it. When there is too much distance. Every time I get over him it is like he knows and pretends to care, getting me right back involved. It’s pathetic on my end. I waited for a good morning yesterday and one today. He said he was was waiting for me. All weekend we fought. It was stupid as usual. This was over lunch and how he claimed i ditched him and then lied about going to lunch. It is rather stupid nonsense. Later we were supposed to go to my cousins wedding reception, i begged him to go, even after his bullshit. Eventually he showed up and left shaking my hand. Then proceeded to send me texts about me meeting someone else or some bullshit. rather pathetic. I did my best and he continually fought me on it every step of the way. I overlooked him being a complete asshole for the day and I pushed my ego aside. In the end, I still got railroaded. He is such a jerk. I just told him I canceled our hotel room. His text “Really? Wow” is almost a gesture of caring. I know better than that though. He probably just wants to ruin yet another one of my weekends. Seems to be his pattern lately. Whatever. I am just so sick of fighting with him. Or him being a dickhead because he jumps to conclusions so fast that he doesn’t have time to process the information needed to make rational and logical conclusions. Like this weekend when he claimed I ditched him for lunch, which he didn’t want to eat with me and so I went by myself. No sooner then I walked into the place and ordered a drink was he calling me telling me I was a liar and ditched him. It was pathetic. Him and for me for dealing with it. We almost made it two years. This weekend though again was a disappointment. I guess I really don’t care. I do to a point, as with any relationship, it is sad when it ends or is in the process of winding down- however, I don’t see why I should care anymore? He isn’t doing anything different, in fact has only, in my opinion, gotten worse. I just wished I had a distraction from him.

School work is not really that exciting enough at the moment. 6 more weeks and I’ll be done, I will just have to work more. Although, I find my job to be irritating. Every week my check gets messed up, then I started writing on my time card now there is a note- don’t write on your time card. Well, don’t fuck it up. There is no coverage for me on Thursday when I am supposed to take my brother to surgery, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to find coverage but apparently no one wants to. This puts me in a position that pisses me off to the point I might just call in completely that day. I let them know a week if not more in advance and technically it shouldn’t be my problem if I did everything I could. I don’t think they can fire me over it. I gave advance notice. Hell, If I have to I’ll go to the clinic just to get a doctors slip to excuse me. Of course, out of respect for my co workers, I don’t want to have to do that. However, since no one is helping me, fuck it. Whatever.

I need a new life. What did I do before I had a boyfriend? Maybe I am codependent. I don’t think so though being I enjoy my solitude and don’t feel I need anyone. This particular relationship, toxic as ever, is probably because I don’t feel loved or engaged and as a result I am holding onto it. But according to someone who knows him, his last relationship was the same way. I blame myself some but know it’s not just me. I’ve never dealt with such a personality as this. Maybe that’s why I stay, it’s like human research. Why is he such a jerk? And deluded me believes there might be an answer other then he is just a jerk. I don’t even think he knows he is a jerk. Narcissists hold themselves to a higher standard then others. He is definitely a narcissist.

I need a friend. I need a new companion. I just don’t want to lose him. Perhaps because I invested so much. However, I guess as with anything in life as Buddha says, detach and cease suffering, I should listen to the wisdom of those who know what I don’t want to admit to myself. I know it’s over, I guess I just want the friendship. Even though that is nonexistent. He treats his dog better then me.

Fuck. I just want to be over and done with it. It’s not improving now. It’s not going to improve in the future. There is no hope for improvement. I would love to manifest the universe on this one but the universe CLEARLY is telling me that I should not pursue. I should have listened two years ago. I don’t have to fight this anymore. Just let it die like people. Like people let it die and be done.

April 8, 2013 742am

Although I should be working, I figure when they start paying me correctly, I will start working accordingly. Relationship, ha, that’s a funny joke. I am almost content enough to where I don’t even need to go on and on about it. In the end, I have concluded that he is just fucking crazy. He doesn’t like texts or emails. I can call him but then he hangs up. I can go to his house but then he kicks me out. Therefor I have no way to communicate effectively about our relationship. We were fine until he found out I went back on my medication, then he broke up with me. Yeah, he did. Pretty shallow. Oh well. I decided he is fucking crazy. I know I have some issues but nothing compared to him. He claims I blame everyone for everything and nothing is my fault. Which is complete bullshit. He thinks he knows me but truth is, he doesn’t know anything but what he makes up in his demented head. He implies I am a whore even though I am not. He implies I am a miserable horrible person, which I am not. It’s funny because I know that I am not. And it’s okay that I don’t have to be with him. Two years it would have been yesterday. And I have changed a lot. I don’t need him though. No, I don’t need anyone in my life who wants to paint me out to be a whore, steal my family and treat me like shit. He just a jerk. And that is okay. That is fine. I can deal with being alone. It will take a little bit to get over the habit of him, yet for the last month all he has done is ruined my weekends. Well, hasn’t made them pleasant in the least. I am okay with that. I am not going to let him destroy me. I don’t need his love. His love sucks. He doesn’t even know what love is. And I am going to be okay. I am. I know I am. I am a bit upset with my older brother as I asked him for help but he chose to ignore me instead, over this guy. Whatever. I don’t care. He can have him. They can have each other. I am done being a scapegoat. Done being talked down to. Done being treated like shit. Done done done. It’s not fair to me. I deserve much better and I am content with being alone. And not being yelled at or painted a whore. I am not going to let it bother me. I am going to move on and be the best I can be. I will not let this kill anymore part of my soul. I will not let it drain me. I am somebody else. Not who I developed into the last two years. I am going to be alone and if love comes it comes, doesn’t matter as long as I love myself and am good to my fellow man.

 

 

April 15, 2013 1145AM

There is nothing functional about my family but my mother’s alcoholism.

The INTERNET at work is so slow tonight that I am left to my thoughts. Even a void of thoughts leave me to wonder why I feel like I could cry. This is ridiculous. The damn internet. I am fragile. Fuck.

It’s Monday morning. Hooray. I’ve been working since 11 last night. I am going to have to leave this position to help regulate my sleep/mood/life. Thing is….I don’t know what else to do. I don’t have any backup plan. All this in light of last week’s situation I found myself in. I can’t say it was without purpose, as I am sure as with all things, there is purpose for it. A wake up call I am certain.

I never told anyone I actually went to the gun store and filled out the application only to wait til closing to leave my number when I was approved. That was Wednesday. I still have yet to hear. Imagine I can’t bring myself to go to Walmart but I somehow found the courage to waltz into a store to try to purchase a gun. If the system works correctly-I should be denied. In the midst of waiting I text an old friend, a cop… at first I ask what time the gun store in their town closes. It’s already closed. I say I need a gun for protection. After I leave empty handed I say I want to die and go home. I text that it’s really the only way to effectively die. 97% effective and hardly painful as it’s almost instant- but it has to be a shotgun. And the one I was eyeing it could reach my toes. I forget the conversation and turn on the TV. Big Bang Theory is on which makes me happy. Idol is on next. My daughter and I squabble over my “I want to die” remark, she leaves to get her work schedule and Idol starts. I’m cuddled up with my cat, tucked in, waiting for the show to begin. I hear, “You’ve got a visitor.” from my daughter as she escorts a cop inside. I bolt off the couch and get him to the hallway. I don’t like visitors, especially those with badges in my personal space. He tells me he received a call. i am a bit taken back as I was over that mood and ready to go on with the night. I explain to him I am fine, I know how this works, and that I was watching Idol ready to go to bed. He starts with the questions, I grow more and more irritated. Do I have someone who can stay with me? No. My mom? Ha, I laugh to myself not wanting to mention she was an alcoholic and unavailable. He doesn’t seem to want to leave and I am not very helpful because I know I am okay even if he doesn’t. Rookie. I don’t know why it made sense at the time but it did that I could just lock the door and it would be done with. Wrong. Stupid, indeed. I exit the other door I have, he follows and then runs after me (I am walking to my car so his running was unnecessary) and subsequently handcuffs me. There soon is two other officers deployed. I grow more irritated. Inside the squad I remove the cuffs. This guy was for sure inexperienced. I guess I gave him some throughout our encounter. It’s after 7, I am taken into the department’s first floor, an interview room where I am shackled to the ground. I didn’t feel it was necessary considering the door was locked. I am told I have to wait for the on call social worker. I get more and more irritated by the moment. I wait. And I wait. There in this little room the three of us assess my danger. I explain that it’s like a habit, I didn’t mean anything, I just wanted to watch Idol, do my math homework and go to work tomorrow. I am upset at the idea of a Chapter 51 and if they did that, they would be sure I would have a crisis. It was Wednesday. A 72 hour hold did not include weekends, I knew this from previous experience. If they chaptered me I wouldn’t get out until Monday and by then work and school would be affected and I grew anxious at the thought. The interview did not go well at all. The lady was older but I want to say I was her first job. I felt that way. I answered honestly their questions. I explained I have been suicidal since I was 9 and that saying I was going to kill myself was just like saying pass the salt. I explained I did attempt to last January and how I told no one thus proving that if I was a danger to myself that I would not be telling people my intentions, I would just do it. I don’t think this helped. In fact I don’t think anything I said mattered, they had already conspired to lock me up. They left me alone for hours as they decided on a “safety plan”. At ten I am highly agitated. I had been there for three hours and hope was fleeting. I hit the wall and threw my phone. I just want to go home I said. Handcuffed and eventually shackled. My fate was sealed. By eleven at least I knew I was going somewhere out of that room. This did not help. I was livid. They had officers watch me as I threw my tantrum. I was pissed. I sobbed and sobbed. I said I was just fine and now I was not. I was going to get out of lock up and shoot myself. I was going to make a video, loop it and send it to the officer so for the next 40 years of his life he would remember this and it was his fault. I truly blamed him. I have gone back and forth since then on writing an apology letter or not, however, in this reliving through writing, I think although he does deserve an apology of some sort that it would lose it’s sincerity when I mocked him for his rookie mistakes. Regardless, there will be no video. I do not have a gun. I told him though, that I could get one if I really wanted one, so the fact that I did not have one meant I did not want one. This didn’t comfort him. I don’t know if he was “out to get me” or to help me. At any rate it was 1130 when I was taken to the transport van and drove an hour away shackled to a hospital for lockup. I felt like a criminal. My mind racing of what my next move was. Eventually I made it to the ward. It was still familiar from my voluntary stay last year. It was 230 before I got to be alone and lay down.

Breakfast was at 8. Of course when you first get into the ward, you are center of attention. Everyone wants to hear your story. I knew that in order to get out I had to participate in my treatment. Again, I already knew how this went. I happily ate my french toast, filled out my menu for the day and listened to the rules before leaving to my room. I went to the first group, irritated that I was there my story was “I was kidnapped from my house because I sent some texts saying I wanted to die and I don’t have a crisis so I really have nothing to say”. I felt guilty for even being there.When the “leader” tried to inquire more I said, “I pass” and went sulkily quiet.

I called work right away to say I wouldn’t be in and didn’t know when I would even be returning. School could wait. I needed my daughter’s’ new number, I had no choice but to call my mom. I didn’t want to tell her I was locked up. Caller ID though ratted me out and she said, “Sacred heart huh?” and then she was like “what about me” to where I angrily told her when I got out I was going to kill myself. Obviously she is a major trigger. Later the doctor confirmed that “what about me” from her was a true “what about you? what about ME?”. That made me feel better. I had him before. In fact, he was probably the only doctor I liked in my long history of mental health. I was honest with him. I know lying only hurts me. Although it does feel the truth can be punishment. I explained I was “recklessly impulsive”. I told him if I was any threat I would have been cleaning a gun or writing my last will. I explained I had sent the messages, forgot about them and was watching idol with my cat preparing for a math test when I was disturbed an hour later for the texts. I told him I wanted to admit myself voluntarily, to drop the hold and that I felt this was just a fluke. He left eventually and I stayed in bed until supper. I ate and returned to bed. I knew this was not helpful in my treatment yet I didn’t care.

That was Thursday. Friday came with an early call for my blood where I just threw my arm out of the blanket and let them take it while I slept. I made it to breakfast. I went back to my room. A nurse subsequently followed me as they do there to pry and probe. Asked if I was going to group, I said no. Eventually she left only to return to tell me I was ordered to attend all groups because I was a chapter. I threw the covers off me and stomped to group. Again, I was kidnapped and if I wasn’t released then they might as well keep me because I was not going to be better at all if released Monday or later. I say my piece in group and stomp back to my room to sleep. The nurse followed me. Validated my feelings of anger. I explained I didn’t care. If they weren’t releasing me, everything was lost and then let them keep me. She eventually left. Later I was called down to meet with the team they set up for release. I again stated my grounds. The doctor said he disagreed with my reasoning but that what I said in my room prior about sending the messages and then forgetting them led him to believe that I was not a danger to myself and was releasing the hold and me. Immediate tears, “Thank you”. I felt relieved. My mood was then hopeful. I left the meeting and went happily to the next group. Coping skills. I hadn’t made any friends this time. This group though, I listened and I shared openly. Apparently, i offered some insight to all but the disorganized, perhaps even misdiagnosised schizophrenic who only annoyed me. Regardless, when I was in my discharge interview I was asked if I got anything at all out of being there, I mentioned this group and that maybe I was there for those five minutes to share with a few some insight to their own mental wellness. It made sense to me. I was discharged at 10 vocally and had to wait til 3 for my ride.

It was him I called. Even though he probably should have been the last one, he was nonetheless the first one. I had sent him messages too. I even went to his house and said, I got a gun and i’m going to do it. He said good for you and closed the door. After this ordeal, I know never to put anyone in the position where they feel responsible for my life. He explained it to me pretty bluntly that he got a text and shut his phone off cause he wasn’t going to deal with me. Funny, it was hurtful but I forgave him. He was right, I shouldn’t expect him to save my life.

So now it’s Monday morning and even though it’s like it never happened, it did and because of it I am allowing myself to be more aware of my mental wellness. I don’t plan on talking to my mother for awhile. Just a few weeks ago she mocked me for “not wanting to kill yourself this week”. I shouldn’t be so hurt by it, it was like that years ago when she mocked me after I overdosed on sleeping pills. I won’t ever forget that. I wanted to die and she mocked me while my dad just watched TV obliviously distant.

I have came to terms with the fact that I was not raised in a healthy normal enriching family. I accept them as they are and yet, still they do not accept me. I could cry now, as this is a new thought. I am the scapegoat of the family. With all the attention on me, there is no way anyone could touch the surface of my family. I don’t hide my defects. I might have been conditioned not to. I can think back to childhood days and understand why I could be the way I am. The abandonment issues, the lack of love, of boundaries, of trust. There was nothing functional about my family but my mother’s alcoholism. I let it roll off my shoulders as I force a smile.

I thought my mental health had been healed and that I was saved. Ten years had passed since I broke. And now, now I feel broken. I don’t understand how I could lose grasp on what I had. I remember when it came. I was so miserable and I was scared. I was scared as I knew I had to die. I had no choice. This terrified me more then anything in my life. In fact, this moment was the most frightening of my life. I no longer had the choice to live, I had to die. Of course, this passed obviously I am alive as I made it through. But that moment when I felt impounding doom and finality was the death of “me”. Shortly thereafter I emerged with a different attitude. I recall driving and thinking this is my last chance at life. If this doesn’t work then I can do it. As you see, I was completely committed to my demise yet pulling straws. In that moment I decided I was going to put as much effort into being positive and happy as I had in being miserable and negative. That if after I did that, I still failed I could give up and submit myself to an early grave at 23. That’s when it changed. That’s when I became a survivor and not a victim. Now i feel like a victim again. not suicidal but not lively either. I don’t know what happened but I suppose a series of unfortunate events that led me astray from that thought and to where currently I am. Which, I can’t even define for I don’t even know where I am. I don’t. My focus is get through this last month of school and find a different job. One that I can regulate with a schedule for my mental state of mind. Inside I feel anxious.

I know this crisis was real no matter what fabricated self deluded lies I want to tell myself about it. I know that it’s not over. It’s rather the beginning. But I am taking precautions with myself. I can be dangerous to myself. I almost screwed up my educational pursuit days ago. I am without explanation. Maybe I feel I need to be a failure to fit into my family’s idea of me. But I don’t think I want that. I know my relationship with him has contributed to this feeling of unwellness with the putdowns and chaos. I know my  studies and my work have added to stress. My feelings of being a bad parent hasn’t helped. A month ago I felt the same way. Although instead of killing myself I was just going to take off and never come back. It made sense at the time.

And now….. now I wait to leave work to go to school only to come back to work with only a short break in between. And him…. we are getting along. I hope it lasts. In my defense, Yes, I am mentally ill. Although not a good excuse I know this is the last chance to make it work…. I need to get myself together to be strong enough to live through the rejection. He sometimes plays on my  abandonment issue… regardless, I can only work on me and that is what I intend on do….

I must digress as work closes to an end.

April 22, 2013 442am

The End.

So I am a little slow.

Paradigm shift. That happened Friday. Thursday was a help. Thursday was told not to get a hotel room because he just bought furniture and was broke. Hotel room would have been $25.00. I then discussed sex. His rules, no sex until we get along. I finally just asked if we were in a relationship at all, he said no. But then said later I didn’t take it right. Regardless, Friday, I don’t know why but I id go over there to watch Idol. That is where he brought up buying lamps which were twenty-five dollars a piece. I mentioned how he couldn’t afford the 25 bucks for a hotel room but he could buy lamps. NICE, real nice. I later went to my talk therapist and discussed my paradigm shift. Where my heart and head both have decided it’s not worth it anymore. I guess I know deep down, he is never going to change and will always view me as being less then him. I can’t handle that. He wants to get along but won’t say how long we have to until he decides we can have sex. It’s not my decision. Whatever. I am not chasing after him or sex. I told him that. He apparently got mail on Friday at his house for me. He texted me and I ignored it. Later he called me to ask me if I was okay. I guess it probably bothered him. I don’t know. He has some serious issues. I just blocked him from my phone, erased all footprints of him from it as well and sent an email explaining since he said the relationship was over that I was severing ties. I don’t see that as being unreasonable. I am sick of being ignored and treated like shit. He doesn’t like something so he will shut off his phone. i say I have a gun and going to kill self, he shuts off his phone. See, there is nothing there. No sex, no intimacy. I can’t do anything right. And I am sick of trying. I will never win. He will only continue to destroy me and I don’t want that. I don’t even care how he feels because honestly I don’t think he knows how to feel. I really don’t. After all that has been said and done, I really truly believe he might have some socipathness in him. He lacks empathy. He can not take accountability. He doesn’t know how to listen. Blah blah blah…………who cares………..seriously…….I am just done wasting my time on this. He can live life without me as he wants. He can’t live it with me and keep me without sex, intimacy and everything else. That’s is not fair. I am not here to be abused or devaluated. I am here to be loved and to love. He had a chance. He can blame me and it’s okay as I understand that he has to in order to make coping easier for him. I understand him. He can say he understands me but HE DOESNT even know me. Nope. He does not. Not at all. that would mean investing in something. He can’t. He just is one of those people out there, I feel saddness for him, however, I can only look after myself. He claimed we had no relationship. We will never get along and there is no sex. What should I be sad about? Companionship? I get more love from my cat and the cat listens too. I feel good about this. I do. I know it’s not hollywood and there will be no Romeo coming my way. I know this. I am already prepared for the silence to come. The end has happened. Now I grieve to move on. To a different life. Cheers.

822am

Random talk to myself

Now, I am a bit bothered. Just a little.  Just a little sadness. But I think it is normal. My old life has been dismantled and now I assemble a new one. Maybe that’s the sadness. Or the last two years finally catching up to me. Accepting the death of who I wanted to be “the one”. Who is not. It’s okay though. I must move on. There is nothing to hold me back. I know he will never care. He will never change. That there is never going to be any magical moment where anything changes. And I just have to accept that. I can accept that. I can. I just have to erase him from my life, from my mind……….and I will be good.

1141am

Epiphany

I probably should not have sent this, but I feel better:

It’s important for me to tell you that I did everything I could to make you happy and apparently, failed. Not surprising with standards as high as yours.

It’s important to for me to tell you that I did my best, I wanted this like nothing I have ever wanted before. It saddens me a great deal how you are so willing to shut me out and ignore me. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. I can’t change you. I can’t change what you want.

I did my best. I changed in many ways and I am going to continue on changing for the better. I suppose it was the lamps that made me understand just what value our relationship really had to you. I was doing everything in my power to make you happy, not to set you off, and then when you ditched out on a 25 dollar hotel room cause you were broke later only to say you wanted to buy lamps really hurt my feelings. I don’t think you probably understand why but then again that does not surprise me.

While you claim you want to get along, you do everything in your power to make it impossible. You have broken me down, and what hurts the most is not that you broke me down but you don’t care that you broke me down. I’ll get over it. The lamps really helped put things in perspective. The value they have over repairing a relationship you claim you wanted.

I wished it could have worked out differently. I tried many different ways, and yet I suppose it is safe to say there is no pleasing you. I feel sorry for you in many different ways, mostly for your inability to love. It’s true. Unless, you were loving something on the side, the last two years, I knew nothing of love. You can blame it on whatever you chose but even in the beginning when things were “bright”, you had no love to offer. I am sorry for that. More then likely you never received love or you would be able to give it.

There are many things you close your eyes to and one day you might not get the privilege of being able to keep them closed. I feel for you when that day arrives and you have to face those things. I wish you the best then as I do now.

It’s easy for me to believe you don’t care. You have shown me countless times. You turn your phone off when I need you the most, you blame me for things I have no control over. You ignore me. Oh, the more I think about all the ways you have treated me I feel more empowered about being alone. I am not missing much am I? The yelling and demeaning. I never belittled you. Never.

I wanted this, XXXX. I wanted you, I wanted an us. You proved how impossible that was. Of course, you are going to flip it around on me, and you know what, I will accept that responsibility, however, by not accepting yours, you prove again a very important point. That you are without empathy. Without love. And I feel bad for you, I truly do. I wish you could see what you are and how badly you have treated me. However, I am sure you will say I deserved it in some form. I deserved to be ignored because I sent you a text. I deserve to be unloved because we can’t get along.

You destroyed us this time. I gave it my all. I pushed back everything and tried to relight the flame. I left notes. I put myself out there. I bit my tongue. I went where you wanted to go. AND STILL it was not enough for you. I hope you realize you will never find anyone who will ever meet your high demands. I doubt many who will deal with half of what I did. Don’t think I am the moody one. Or the one with all the issues. You sure have a laundry list, but the difference between us is that I have ADMITTED I have them AND I am working on them.

I can read you like a book. Don’t dare think you can type some bullshit reply and I’m going to buy any self deluded talk from you. I am well trained in abnormal psychology. You think you are normal? I would recheck that. You have some issues and they impair you on a daily basis. As a result you have lost me. Maybe you don’t think that I am anything great but I know when I am treated properly (like a human) that I am a great thing. I have more value then a lamp. You just don’t care about anyone’s feelings but your own. You will sit there and read this only to type out “What about my feelings”…. this is my email, not yours, my feelings are being expressed first. You can’t even digest them before your rant about your feelings. Which your feelings only matter that much to you when I am expressing mine. Only then do you make them an issue, so you don’t have to deal with mine. So you don’t have to take responsibility for my feelings.

I don’t blame you. You have some errors in thinking which will cause you to believe that. But, I don’t blame you. No, I blame circumstances. It’s not your fault you are the way you are, it’s your fault you stay the way you are. You have a bad day and take it out on me, like Wednesday, you won’t admit it and so you blame me and it becomes my fault. Thus us not getting along and hey, no sex. Well, apparently you have an issue with sex. It’s okay to have sex with me while i’m sleeping but not actively apart of it because “we need to get along”. WE WILL NEVER GET ALONG because YOU WONT LET THAT HAPPEN!!!!

This is such a pointless email. it’s not like it’s going to magically make you understand what I am saying. It’s not going to make you do anything different. To you, you are perfect. You do nothing wrong. I disagree. You want to talk on a phone that you hang up and shut off when I try to talk. This is ridiculous.

All I know is I did my best. I gave it my all and then some. I am not perfect. I have acted out. I have done stupid shit but I never treated you like you treated me. I have always listened to you and I have always tried to love you. As a result I get no sex, no conversation. Nothing. YOU GIVE ME NOTHING. but of course in YOUR world it’s because I deserve it.

You think I deserve to be treated like shit? To be fucked when you want it and not when I want it? To not be loved? To be punished? WHAT THE FUCK!

Maybe it’s because you were the stray child. The one always in trouble. Trying to get love from getting in trouble. And because you never got it or could validate it you turned cold. Falling short. It could be lots of different things. Whatever it is, I suggest you figure it out and GROW UP. That’s what you tell me, GROW UP. Well, Walt, I am growing up. I don’t have anyone to blame and I am making positive changes to help me cope with dealing with people like you.

I started sad when I began this and now i’m pissy thinking of everything. And the funniest part is you don’t have a clue. Or maybe you do, you’d never admit it if you did. Vulnerability and humility are two things that you refuse to have and when I show mine, you exploit it. You are aware of my abandonment issues and that doesn’t stop you from throwing me out of your house or threatening to. Do you realize you are doing it or does it just come naturally?

Why do you see me as such an enemy? What is it that I do that makes you want to treat me so horribly? Now it’s because I sent an email I am sure. Oh no, that warrants an entire day of fighting. Of ignoring me. NEVER ONCE EVER EVER have you EVER just taken responsibility. Or just answered a question. Or was just fucking human. Never once have you just shown yourself as anything but a monster. I’m not being mean, I am being serious. No matter what I say or do, you have reasons why it’s wrong.

You ignore me all the time. You don’t take anything I say to heart. You refuse to listen to my feelings. You don’t know the first thing about validation, respect, listening, and understanding. Where I thought it was me, I was assured it was not. Even sugar coating it so it doesn’t sound like you are the bad guy, making myself out to be the crazy….even then….I can not hide the truth of you from trained professionals.

You will take offense I am sure to this. You would even if it had nothing to do with you. You just see me as an enemy and attack me. You are just so mean and it’s unwarranted. Why I would ever think I deserve it, I don’t know. But I know better now, now I know enough to know what is going on. Now, as I am consciously aware of things I was not prior, now I see what and who you are. And I am so sorry for that. Where once you were amazing, you fall short in the light. You don’t deserve me. You don’t.

You don’t understand me. You don’t listen to me. You don’t know me. You know nothing about love and relationships. You want to believe you do, but sadly, you are mistaken. You will never experience love as you can not even define it. I have had my share of issues and I have been fortunate enough to not only be called on my bullshit but to become aware. Instead of staying in the gutter, I am moving on.

You were very lucky at one point to have my love. I was willing to do so much for you and I’m sorry for all the times i let you down. With you there is no forgiveness. You won’t forgive. You haven’t the capacity for that either. You project your own negativity upon me. I am sick of it. I GAVE IT MY ALL. When someone is told over and over again they are negative or miserable or horrible, eventually that is how you will see them. I am not that way. ASK ANYONE (besides you) who knows me and guarantee the only thinking flawed is yours. But that’s okay because YOU are the one who has to live with YOU. YOU do.

I don’t know your intent in life, you are 45 years old. I know that having experienced you in these last two years that you will never be happy with anyone. I have wonderful insight and I keep getting stronger the more aware I am of my part in life. The more I surround myself with LOVING and CARING people, who listen and are empathetic and respectful, the more I get myself back. No longer living as miserable walt’s girlfriend who is constantly walking a tightrope while he’s shaking it, laughing as I fall and then ignoring that it happened only to blame it on me for not balancing better. It’s true.

I can’t blame you entirely but you sure did a number on me. I am seeing it now. As I said I am getting stronger and stronger. I was weak when I met you and I allowed myself to be guided. And then to think I was that person…..    It astounds me.

Point is…………………..this doesn’t matter to you. You will continue life on without thinking about what this means and what impact it has on your later years. Where as once I cared to be that one to love you down the road, I know that it is impossible to love someone who doesn’t want it. Or doesn’t know how to return it. Sad. I remember I asked you about love once and received a five hundred page essay on why it was sooooooooooooo wrong for me to ask and how you were sooooooooooooo busy and sooooooooo upset you couldn’t answer it.  I resist the urge to laugh here because that only further proves my point.

Oh, Walt. I never had your love to miss it now. I never had anything from you. Unless you plan on an adult reply, rest assured and I mean this, I will not read it.My phone is back open to you. I don’t need to block you, why?  I don’t care. I am sick of caring. That’s all i have done and that is what has gotten me to the point that i have gone crazy. Trying to validate my feelings with someone who just shuts me down. I don’t need that shit. You established we had no relationship………….that was like the second week two years ago but we kept going.

I did my best. I know i wasn’t perfect but at least I LOVED a hundred percent. Even though I didn’t TALK I had a voice in emails unanswered and texts ignored. The phone could have worked but given the times you hung up on me it proved futile. I don’t know where you plan on going from here, I don’t even care. As I said, I did everything I could to get along and you threw a fit and lamps hold more value then “us” to you. there is no other way to put it.

Where as I thought I was being rejected, I was wrong for I was never accepted. You, I accepted though, and you I reject. Your love is not love and is rejected. You as a person for the most part, are not very nice and further i reject you. I don’t care to be treated as you treat me. I don’t deserve to be yelled at. I don’t deserve to be ignored. I deserve better. I deserve more. I deserve someone who knows about love and listening. Who will not throw a fit over little things just to start a fight. It’s all trivial now.

I just want you to know that I know I am not the one being tossed to the side. I gave up. You forced me into a situation where i had no choice but to decide between being happy or being with you. You didn’t want to make me happy. You wouldn’t try to make me happy. You only cared to bring me down. That’s the truth. You treat your friends better then me, if you have friends. You certainly are not going to win personality contests the way you treated me. And I don’t have to worry about what happens to you now. I have a feeling I already know.

In the end, XXXX, I am returning to the person I was before us. Happy. Carefree. Full of joy. Loving. Caring. I no longer will allow myself to be with another person who drains me. Who can’t love me. Who treats me like shit. That’s all. I am sorry you couldn’t let go of your ego long enough to make it work with me. But then again, being as you are, untreated, it would probably have ended up the same way. I wanted to love you, I tried and you denied me. You are the only one to blame for that. So looking back years from now, just remember please, I wanted to love you and I did my best. It was you who made it impossible. And now, fuck it. You have your lamps and I have my answers.

It was a learning experience. A life lesson. Thank you for that. I can move forward now. You have no hold on me anymore. Secretly I hope you love me with all your heart and it just shattered into a billion little pieces because you don’t treat people you love like you did me. Not that it matters, you wouldn’t say anything. You lack that ability to share feelings. To be intimate. I wished it could be like in my head where I mattered to you and you were without ego. That one day you would actually ASK me how my day was. How funny I am and my dreams.

I better stop because I am no doubt, just wasting more energy and time on something that is beyond repair. All I wanted was to love you and finding out that it wasn’t me that was the issue is a huge relief. I am glad I came to that understanding. In fact, I feel a lot better now.

155pm

Why be surprised

why, why would I be surprised that he would ignore me? I asked him if he found it highly rewarding? “keeping my distance”. Than told me he deleted my email. I resent it three times. He just hurts me on purpose and I don’t know why. Why does anyone intentionally hurt another they claim to love? It’s so frustrating.

 

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